I miss you the moment you leave me.

As I watch you walk away, or you watch me walk away,
The moment I get in that bus, or you in that taxi,
When the door closes behind you,
As I watch you put your shoes back on,
The instant you sign out of facebook or hang up the phone
I start missing you...

When you're not next to me

I feel like, a cookie with no chocolate chips;
A computer without internet;
The night sky with no stars;
A train journey to an unknown destination;
A poem with the last line missing;
Both incomplete and meaningless...

Sometimes, specially on nights like this,

I wish I could stop missing you.
Stop thinking about you
Get over feeling lonely
Be fine with not having you around
Just block you out for a second.
But, then I think I would miss, missing you...

If you kiss me like no one has ever done before,
causing ripples of warmth to crash back and forth,
between my lips and heart...
If you gaze deeply into my eyes while my mind crosses the abyss,
searching the depths of my soul for beams unveiling myself,
until they reflect on my iris...
If you caress me with your gentle, refine touch,
feeling my pain, fears and uncertainties,
inducing goosebumps on my skin...
If you listen to me when I stop speaking,
grasping precisely what the silence portrays,
from the rhythm of my exhaling and expiring...
If you whisper sweet nothings in my ear,
simply letting your breath ****** my neck,
creating an aura of comforting assurance...
If you break the walls around me,
allow me to let down my guards slowly yet completely,
and make me fall in love again...

I will do the same...

When the hormones kicked in I do not know, but
somewhere in my teenage years I tripped on love.
An exchange of looks, a wave, a wink,
was all that took for my young heart to soar.

They were all northern stars,
shining brightly from a distance.
Taking me on illuminated journeys through the night,
only to get dimmer and leave me in the dark.

Some shone for longer, some twinkled brighter,
but only now do I know that sometimes the light we see,
are from stars that are already dead!
Thus, I was following death, though it seemed like light.

Maybe that's why my heart still aches,
from being lost alone in the darken sky;
why my world is filled with rains made of tears,
and emotions bursting into hurricanes.

Maybe that's why the wind refused to carry my cries,
and blew louder to drown them in it's wailing.
Maybe that's why the rainbow in my world,
is covered by dark clouds with no silver lining.

Maybe that's why like all other times,
he will not be mine; he will never stay.
Like other times I will wait for my star to shine,
almost see it, but then watch it die, again.

I am selfish!(At least I like to think I am so)
I'm sick and tired of caring about "them".
What might "they" think? How will "they" feel?
What will "they" do? What about "them"?

Well, to hell with them!
Have I not always cared? Every single minute of every single day,
I've cared, thought, wondered and pondered about "them".
I've tipped and toed around my way,
making sure NOT to fall into their bad side.

I made sure they were happy, that they were satisfied.
I tried not to make them angry. I always justified,
their judgments and their verdicts of me.
I kept colouring the pictures they drew of me.

But I don't want to impersonate anymore.
I don't want to live a lie.
I will not give up my freedom and happiness,
to satisfy a lot who do not concern me in any way.

If you think I'm too fast, too easy, too open or just plain evil,
simply keep away from me cause you cannot ever change me.
You will not emotionally hypnotize me again,
for now I have fully gained my rights to "live"!

You stupid, silly woman!
Did you not know that life is not fair?
If you did, what made you think otherwise?
Or forget?
You beg, you plead, you cry, you scream...
All this means nothing to him.
Your tears, unless they are results of drunken ***;
Your joy, unless it's because a number increased on the check;
Your emotions, unless you were faking them to make him ******;
means absolutely nothing to him.

When did he promise? Did he even mention it?
What love? There's no such thing!
Not in this deal (and yes that's all what it is! It's not a relationship!)
It's just lust, greed and a madness.
Un-satisfaction acting as an illness.

So get up, wipe your tears, put on makeup and clothes.
Stop begging for feathers from a Turtle.
Even when "The Marriage Vows" don't guarantee love,
why would he feel obliged to give it to you?
You are merely his "mistress".
His play toy; His *****!

You get nothing but the money.
Cause even at his funeral you will not be allowed to cry.
Cause you are the shadow everyone avoids.
A curse, a disease, a witch, a ****!
That is all you will ever be.

So smile now and undress for him.
Let him drive you insane.
Strip your soul apart piece by piece.
It's time to sell it, again!

"Oh, I see. It's your passion is it?
You like learning about them? Wow. You got a first?
You are planning to go into research? On that very subject?
I'm really very impressed. I see! You avoid buying products,
made using them?
You don't even consume them? That's quite lovely.
You must be really strong willed.
You like talking to people about it?
Oh yes, those big companies; definitely their fault.
You want to stop them? That's one of your goals?
Excellent. I admire your passion!

Sorry, what was that? Is that so?
You will never care for one? It's a silly idea is it?
Yes, of course, you are right.
There might be no end result.
A waste of time, money and energy.
Messing with nature it will be, is it?
A childish way of holding on to silly hopes.
Really? Scientifically you are hundred percent right.
That's nice to know. With your dedication towards the subject,
I guess you would know for sure.

Guess what!
F@#$ your passion. F@#$ your dedication.
F@#$ your knowledge and F@#$ science.
You made a choice not to care. You don't give a ****.
You know why? It's the easier way. Shortest way out.
Because you don't want to be involved,
in an 'emotional commitment'.
It's too difficult. You will never gain anything.
But there's so much to lose.

But me;
I am different. I am not afraid to connect.
Not afraid to give unconditionally. Not frightened to commit.
Cause as long as there is hope, my dream will be alive.
If or when hope dies, the pain, the memories, the emotions
and the love,
and the fact that I know I cared,
will keep me alive.

Oh and guess what...you've just lost!
You've lost again in life.
Your interests lack real passion.
Your work lacks dedication.
Your knowledge lacks emotion.
Your life lacks fulfillment.
So let me do the math.....one more second please...
Got it....
That equals to emptiness...
In fact you are already dead; inside! Lifeless...."

I'm sitting by the window, watching rain drops hit the ground
Wind is blowing harder and faster making the trees turn in rounds
I thought the sun shine would last, I thought I'd see a rainbow
But it only became darker and colder, and suddenly began to pour.

I loved watching lightning, I enjoyed thunder storms
I would watch the rain for hours from my room, which was once cozy and warm
But today for some reason it is singing a different song
It's murmuring over and over again the fact that I'm alone.

I want to dash out into the garden and start crying in the rain
Then you will never see my tears fall, you will never know the pain
Alas, I am still in my room, thus I cannot weep, it isn't the same
Cause you might see me wailing and break my heart, again!