I put a pistol to my temple
and told you
just ask me to
nuts insane no good
don't do it
she pleaded
but she knew all along
that I wouldn't
it was more of a showing
a presentation
an introduction to the concept
that we are expendable

there's a million dusty back roads
which tell a million
dusty back road stories
sinners and saints
redemption and judgment
retribution and love
and there's a million alleyways
cobblestone or brick
where a million
dusty back road people
tell tales of travel
in the glow of a flaming trash barrel
and there are a million bridges
which have been layered
with poetic inspirations
street preachers
spraying their words
from aerosol cans
and a million dusty back road people
sleep beneath those poems
almost every night
I have a million blown out pairs of shoes
and I wouldn't get rid of one of them
because each one
tells my dusty back road story

it had been the three of us
since we were little kids
who listened to their music too loud
and didn't listen to their parents enough
It's all one long cycle
more so a downward spiral
the things we were promised
are always put on a higher shelf
and no matter
how high up on our tip toes
we can get
they will always move it
just one shelf higher
it can really **** a guy off

But like I said
It was the three of us
me Jake and Martin
mister no names
in that house
the glass house
because we could see it coming
and so could everybody else
stuck outside
cursed to only watch
never intervene

The glass house
we stained the walls
the color of our lives
Crimson Jade Purple Black
and the colors blur
and the scenes become twisted
and harder to look at
It has our lives already
a commodity for nutrition
we are more like ghosts now
doomed to haunt forever

I woke up
Jake never did
deeply asleep
gone gone gone
his girlfriend called to him
shook him
slapped him
all the while he slept
like a rock
He will never get out now
the glass house his tomb
Martin dug himself deeper
a trench against the outside world
and he was a trench rat
he knew it
he was okay with it
it was a suit which he wore well
I packed up
the few belongings that place hadn't stolen
and got out
never looking back
because people in glass houses
shouldn't throw stones

I walk with empty shoulders
I left my angel and devil
in my bedside table
it's soothing though
no bad choices
no good choices
just choices
like duck duck goose
the world is a playground at recess
and nobody wants to see it
because it makes them feel small
but the bigger you are
the harder you fall
or so the saying goes

there are two types of women
angels and demons
and I'm not sure which one
is my favorite yet.

I don't know which one you are
but you're in that bed
and it gets me thinking
what's the difference

You feed me pretty words
and pearly whites
starlight flashes of your gaze
and oddly enough, belief

so take me in your hands
and steal away in that night
because I've already accepted
that it will happen anyway

I was such good friends with last night
that she decided to stay with me this morning
waking up like coming out of a blur
panicked
check that phone
assess the damage
if you get lucky
your phone is dead
knock knock on the skull
go away nobody's home they're out
knock knock knocking on heaven's door
you should probably eat something
but your stomach won't get off
the merry go round
round round and around again
like a spin cycle
and you're always alone
but for the sounds of birds
nesting in the tree
outside of your bedroom window
but it doesn't matter
with a stomach full of one liners
you still get up
and go out that door

something special seems to happen
when the sun goes down
when  the street people come out to play
drinking in the moonlight with greed
I got new DVD's at a good price
I can hook you up man
I feel most estranged
and most comfortable
when the sun is down
fill up my cup
give me a drink
and i can write you poem
after poem after poem
I can give you introspective insights
and parts of me
which only exist between certain hours
with a cat's eye
and a devilish grin
you sing me off
into another, stranger land

******* summer
the pollen drives me nuts
I've always had awful allergies
and today my eyes are streaming
But the sun will go down soon
and they seem to get better at night
besides, David is here
so Is my older sister
and her twenty-one year old boyfriend
I've never done it before
but David said it's a blast
and I'll get used to the taste
but not the hangovers

The moon reigned supreme
and we came out to play
clear liquid
ripped down my throat
like a shotgun blast
which tasted remotely of watermelon
and a lot like skinned knees and cuts
I've never done this before?
where have I been
and why won't my arms
do as I tell them
who cares?
for once not me
I think we are going to become
very fast friends

A purple light bulb
a purple light bulb
It doesn't sound like much
but it changed that room
from a suburban neighborhood bedroom
into a dungeon
Black metal was pouring out of the speaker
an old vinyl set up
which sounded real raw
and a purple ******* light bulb
Jake's bedroom
a shrine to the deities of rock
we mix and matched
pain killers and anxiety pills
and achieved lift off
screaming our stories
from the dark side of the moon

treat this as a warning label
stop, warning, harmful, toxic substance
this won't be a fruitful endeavor
turn around, and don't look back
running from a pillar of salt

It would be foolish to think
that i'm not selfish
people just don't understand
the difference between
nice and selfless
But I would swallow you whole
most comfortable when we
are not comfortable
when the ceiling is crumbling
I'm at my best

I will take you
and claim your humanity
for my own
using it greedily
turning it into words
packaging it
and shipping it off
to millions of fast thought
word joints

warning, explicit content
harmful if swallowed
too far regressed
a stubborn child
in need of saving
too proud to be saved
the Surgeon General recommends
not even taking the time
Just turn around
truly not worth it

There's a man out there
and there is a woman out there
their entire lives
have been leading to this moment
connected since birth
two paper dolls holding hands
but there is a man out there
who is afraid
who believes
he can't give you
everything you deserve
who believes
he will hurt you
and maybe he's a child
who never understood
why his parents
just couldn't figure it out
and everybody always tells him
"You look just like your father"
but he won't be him
so he runs
and doesn't look back
leaving her is better than
destroying her
and she calls to him
"Run away little boy!
I just wanted to
help you understand"

I love this venue
that cobble stone alley
I've found needles there before
So perfectly filthy
and the place smells
like ****, *****, and sweat
And we tear it apart with every show
Me and Martin and Jake
drinking beers with one of the bands
before they went on stage
The manager came out
"What the hell are you doing?
I don't want a bunch of drunk kids in my club!
Get your ***** back inside."

Buzzing we made our way inside
God this music is loud
****** fingers shredding guitars
and rapid fire growls
like a hungry stomach
I like this?
I don't even understand it
The pit was going insane
and I was just drunk enough
were I was too
So we jumped in
punching and slamming our bodies
into complete strangers
A thirty year old man
punched me in the face
so I punched him back
and he high fived me

The crowd demanded blood
Jake was hoisted off the ground
crowd surfing a tsunami
they drunkenly neglected
that it was a bad idea
to drop into a hurricane
of stomping studded boots
But they did
and we dragged him out
blood overflowing from his mouth
we had to leave early
and missed the headliner
Jake received five stitches
and wore it like a medal
I didn't go to many shows after that

It was another boring school day
and school is out
nope, no school for me
not today at least
I've got places to be
and man to see
about a horse

I sneak out at lunch time
the teachers here are dumb
I went to the woods
behind the chain link fence
of the Athletic/Health club
personal betterment
what a joke?
nothing but a bunch of sheep
trying to fatten themselves up
so they can be slaughtered first
Well not me
They won't catch me

The bottle is right where I left it
untouched under the leaves
each gulp of that *****
is chased with another
even longer one
The world looks a whole lot more rosy
when I'm looking over a bottle
and the sun looks so **** cool
as it comes through the leaves
green and warm
like a bottle of Jager
Life is good
real good

Cold in the woods by the mall
Nerves taut
like a deer
ready to flee at any moment
If I perceive danger
I'm out of here

Martin was fumbling around with the bottle
"you have to but a carb in it"
"Shut up Jake,
I know what I'm doing"
He didn't
neither of us did
it was the first time
nothing like it
I hoped my dad wouldn't miss
his socket wrench piece

We passed it around
like the natives that walked this land
under the gaze of oppression
but we were free
for at least that moment
I vibrated like a rocket ship
and when I walked
I felt as if I was on
an airport moving walkway

We went into the sports store
riding around on the skateboards
and punching the punching bags
flipped into a world of upside down terror
when they made me get on
the abs exercise machine
mall security came
and kicked us out
but we didn't care
we had just discovered something
so much better.

Look at this guy
what is he even doing
He has been walking laps
around the mall
all ******* day
There are some real freaks
out in the world, I swear
Me and David
In our favorite spot
a model gazebo
In the Sears
We people watch
or shoot the ****
just hanging out

"The universe is infinite,
think about how small that makes us,
doesn't that freak you out,
to know we don't matter,
to know we're insignificant?"
David looked calm
that lazy *******
always so **** calm
here I am
telling this guy
that his whole life
is worth less than a grain of sand
and he looks like
I told him American Idol was on

"So?"
"So what?"
"Scary, right?"
"Comforting maybe"
"It means a hell of a lot less
responsibility"
This guy
I could tell
That he wasn't
going to amount to anything
not me though
People would remember me

Turn your music down
stop listening to that stuff
are you taking drugs?
I wish you would talk to me
blah blah blah blah blah

Go to school
you can't be in a band
Take this seriously
******* it
do you want to be broke?
do you want to throw your life away?

Maybe, what is it anyway?
for the land of the free
We aren't given a lot of choices
you go to school
you go to college
or you get a job
you contribute
That's a joke
it's not contributing
It's slavery
well not me man
not me

*** Drugs and Rock 'n Roll
that's my life
and I have to fit the part
Besides
It's not like my parents
check the liquor cabinet
I'm going to make it man
going to be the next legend
Woah this stuff is strong
and I'm feeling sleepy
so... sleepy...

Me David and Jake
Jake's guest room
and an Iron Maiden CD
"You've gotta here this David"
"It's going to change your world"
"Whatever Martinez"
It was like that
I always carried my Mexican heritage around
a suitcase filled with stereotypes
I put the CD on
and the music pumped through me
so powerful
so raw
so real
everything everything is not
Even David was hooked
It was music to destroy by
to destroy everything they made
that they thought was so pretty
so perfect
so permanent
It wasn't long before we advanced
to heavier metals
and before long
me and Jake
were burning bibles
and turning my parents's
crucifixes upside down
a society based upon
spitting in societies face
what's not to love?

I've loved it ever since
I was a young boy
sitting in the car
heated leather seats
as my dad steered the car
in twists and turns
throughout the night
He could get that car
to move so fast
smoking his menthols
the smoke wafted out
like a cartoon
it formed a finger
and entered into my nostrils
I was hooked ever since

"Look what I stole from My dad"
Martin was vibrating with the deed
A card pack
colored red and white
filled with instant bad ***
"You have to inhale
when you light it"
"I know that jack ***"
the cherry sparked up
and I took the first drag
It was like inhaling
boiling hot ocean water
cough cough cough
holding it out
Martin took it carefully
like a black widow
and put it to his lips
basically the same reaction

We smoked a few more each
and got sick
I walked home
sitting on my bed
the biggest head rush
crashing against my skull
I passed out on my bed
lights on
fully clothed
and in love

hit the road Jack
and don't you come back
no more no more no more no more
walking like a blind man
who lost his dog
hit the road Jack?
don't worry
I don't want to come back
how could I
this wasn't love
it was necessity
It was survival
and it was rightfully wrong
Don't worry about seeing me
ever again
the road is the only mistress I need
the dust on the cuffs of my jeans
tell my story
far better than any poem I pen
any song you create
So I'll hit the road
but with a love tap
never to come back
no more no more no more no more

we are a nation
who bonded over a simple ritual
much to the disappointment of our parents
and our lungs
before you even open your mouth
that cancer stick tells me
that we are one in the same
we are all trying to escape from something
and for the most part
we don't like ourselves
but take comfort in the knowledge
that we are in this together
and yes you can *** one
my old friend
smoke 'em if you got 'em
and there is nothing more beautiful
than sharing a post-****** drag
smoke a pack for every sin
we have committed
which went unnoticed
unpunished
and in that night sky
your face partly lit
as if by a stop light
with every inhale
the cherry is a supernova,
God I love the ritual

I just want to be honest
to not have to create
characters
settings
scenarios
walls which can never be scaled
I just want to be me
but it's hard sometime
not on good terms
with father time
and it feels like
I'm never moving fast enough
and not moving forward enough
I learned about naturalism
in tenth grade honors English
but it wasn't until
I saw my friends
the people I love
and faces i will never
get to remember
fall into the trap
and I always swore
never you Harry
you're stronger than that
but it seems that
my only strength
sn self-deception
and acceptance
My lungs swell
and I let out a ****** scream
but no sound comes out
deep in a thick ocean trench
and I never learned how to swim
But i think I'm getting stronger
I can't beat time in a foot race
But I'm going to make it work
for this victory
my journey means
becoming the person
I always knew I could be
at 12 years old
untouched and pure
I said hello to poetry
and she presented herself to me
a grand canyon
overflowing with truth
and therapeutic readings
whatever might happen to me
I tell myself every morning
You are going to make it

don't give me clouds
and pearly gates
apple cheeked cherubs
and glorious holy bugles
give me warm white sand
as far as the eye can see
give me me sapphire oceans
give me tiki torches
and string me up a hammock
give me life sculpted around peace
give me her
give her me
make it so her eyes
are the first thing I see
and her closed eyelids
the last
on a daily basis
give me an audience
who I can try to show
how even the ugliest things
have enough beauty
to steal your very oxygen
to make your heart
take a moment to observe
hot passionate blood
standing still
in the vessels of your story
this is all I ask
of an afterlife

you were a brother
not of blood
but of choice
we had each other's backs
but I couldn't see
that the lifestyle we were living
was slowly trapping you
I heard about you skipping school
alone in some woods
getting drunk
in the middle of the day
when you were high more and more
until sobriety surprised me
when the medical cabinet
became a candy store
I saw this all happening
and did nothing
paralyzed
I looked away for just a moment
and suddenly there it was,
the monkey on your back
I'm sorry that I never intervened
I just didn't know how to
now you are in the New York countryside
having it out with that reflection
getting your **** together
I haven't seen you in a couple of years now
but I never forgot to hope
to hope that you can beat this
and come back to me, brother

life ignites, contradiction fuels
moral quandaries, choices ran from
Mr. Nice Guy, a total *******
plaster smile, bleeding clown frowns
something to say, pretentious crap
I love you, I hate you for it
beautiful struggle, an ugly massacre
sun of fire, moon of ice
inhale, exhale, suffocate
intelligence, total confusion
love letters, suicide notes
and everything in between
so fully alive
dead as a door nail

I didn't expect it
but in that dark basement
of some strangers house
coated in a blanket of dance rhythms
veins running with fire
arteries pumping chemicals
you chose me
we danced until I can't remember

but then I found us outside
walking back to your dorm
my arm around you
protecting you from the cold winter night
I never wanted that walk to end
cars rushed past us,
and could see how happy I was
we got back to dorm commons
our small party the only inhabitants
she got on the floor
flat on her back
so I took our coats
rolled them into a pillow
and place them under her head
with my arm comfortably back around you
my favorite muscle memory
looking at that ceiling
not speaking,
not having to
caught in the magnificence
of stars which
were for our eyes only

She's one of my best friends
ever since ninth grade
I thought I'd ask her to homecoming
but my other friend beat to the punch
and it was okay
in ninth grade nobody needs a relationship
and they were so perfectly wrong for each other

she asked me to talk to him
he smokes too much
and it's hurting his grades
and I want to tell her
to scream at her
you're asking me to give advice
the blind leading the blind
because we can always see it coming
the sad part is we let it take us
when being high or drunk
is the only true thing you feel anymore
sold soul to the dealer
lost in an ABC store
I want to tell her
I can't help him
like you can't help me
we carry these globes atop our shoulders
and it gets so heavy
our knees shatter
until we are left kneeling
waiting for that ax
until we can learn to help ourselves
we can't reach out
until we can look in

she taught me how to love
an angel from up above
who came by chance
to put my demons in a trance
to make me stop and think
to take it all in
like a drink
when I'm lonely it's her name I'm calling
falling
awoken from my dreams
her absence rings like screams
the only person who made me feel like
I could grow to love me
potential shining like a light
she told me what I could be
But I'm too scared to approach
too scared that
maybe I'm a cockroach
feeding on the fat
I can't let you in right now
I'm afraid I would fail
because I don't see how
I could give what love entails
she taught me how to love
but never how to forget

"Did you ever think
that maybe you have a problem?"
no
never
they aren't actually problems
if you can't see them right?
but so what if I did?
who doesn't?
my problems are  jars
filled with pennies
sitting forgotten on a shelf
without them
I would be without me
with one hand they break me
only to put me back together
but I'm never what I was
something new missing each time
always changing
eroded by waves of white fury
grinding me down
to dust
My problem
is that I have no problem
with my problems

where are you?
it's three a.m.
so probably sleeping
but no sleep for me
the possibilities
playing across my eyelids
like old home videos
where are you tonight
when I really need you?
you don't know it
but I am yours
if you'd take me
I count the days
until you come back home
and in my dreams
you tell me that
you won't ever leave
again

Where are you?
and why isn't
that where
this where
because I have to level with you
I could really use the company
I could really get lost in your eyes
like you get lost in music
like I just plain get lost
when you aren't here
there are no more lullabies
no more dreams
trapped awake
way too wide
if it were anybody else
I'd have lost faith
but I can't lose faith in you
even if I wanted to
I don't always tell you
but I've been betting on you
since day one
and I'm not rich from it
but I wouldn't have it
any other way

where are you?
come put me back together
I had a great fall
and I don't think I've stopped yet
but I'm tired
and I'm hungry
so I am going
to try catch a few
and if I'm lucky
you'll be here
this where
when I wake up
smiling like you never left

Don't even talk to me
about your ******* cat
I don't care
actually I do
I hate your cat
everything about it
Is that what you have to say?
is that all you came up with?
I want to hear
about your flaws
your contradictions
your addictions
your love
your long drawn out ****** struggle
I want something real
something which makes me more human
more alive
more prepared
emphatic to your apathy
I really am
but for the love of God
never talk to me
about that stupid cat
ever again

who are these strangers
clad in the uniform
of consumerism
conformation into the church
of the holy dollar
fables about legendary bread winners
but they never say
if they were happy
if they died alone
like everybody else
they think it makes them immortal
but they make it immortal
the strange belief
that we can assign
numerical values to life
I wonder how
they can be my brothers
and my sisters
when we are so different
but people are people
always have been
and always will be

don't cry
don't waste those tears
you say you are so ******* ugly
that you wish you
were somebody else
well welcome to the club
but don't waste those tears
on those people
this world
it goes down smooth
like a razor blade
if you need to cry
i will give you my tears
I will take all of your ugly
and show you something
so **** beautiful
I will give you my eyes
so that when you look in the mirror
you can see
what I see
everyday

would you be offended
if I compared you to an alarm clock?
because you make me
wake the hell up
and maybe that ****** me off
a born seeker of silence
but i know
that if you hadn't
there would be so much
that I would miss
and to be honest
when you don't wake me up
a beautiful song
just the wrong place, right time
I miss you

strength doesn't mean courage
suicide takes courage
persevering takes strength
approaching that pretty girl
you saw in starbucks
takes courage
loving her
even at the times
when you think you might hate her
takes strength
fighting takes courage
pacifism until you find something
worth fighting for takes strength
encased in our ideals
they catch quite the beating
and if they still stand
once the dust has settled
the smoke cleared
then you know they were strong
I might not be brave
and I might be short and skinny
but don't relax that guard
I have strength enough to know
that you are mistaken

Duality in life
i live this life
but I don't know
whose life it is
hiding from mirrors
and reflective surfaces
afraid of my own face
face to face
with the fact
that I don't really like me
it's the worst phobia
looking
I mean actually seeing
the person you've become
as a kid
I was confident I'd be in the movies
then came puberty
the skin doesn't seem to fit right
and I don't remember building this wall
too high to scale
too thick to break
I found words
I took them in
stole them
shaped them
and spewed them back out
These poems aren't for you
they are mine
but if you like them
then great
it's just the first step
on looking myself in the face
and learning to like what I see

frozen lakes
leafless trees
blank faces
numb
everything numb
self medicated
desensitized
he misses the feeling of tears
he misses the feeling
disconnected
and the life boats
are slowly going out of sight
people, people everywhere
with no thoughts to think
he looks for something
which can crack the shell

forgotten hunger
the echo of dull aches
crawl out of my stomach
and erupt neglected into the big wide world
they scream "FEED ME"
over and over again
"the last maniac I was with
wouldn't listen"
I walk around with a hole
instead of a stomach
light headed
every poem I write
is another hole
knifed into my belt
but it's one less distraction
and if i keep it up
maybe I can disappear entirely
and wouldn't that be nice

when I was a kid
my dad used to put me to bed
every night
now I'm not a kid
or at least
that's what I'm told
dad's not around a whole lot anymore
and the funny thing is
I can't fall asleep on my own
someone has to put me there
or something
something which doesn't disappoint
something which is around
the only things in my life
that I can depend on

They get me up
but always give me
five extra minutes
they destroy me
they reassure me
when the sky gets too heavy
we're here for you
and always will be
so don't be scared
just let us in
and everything will be okay
and they always know
when it's time to tuck me in
without fail
a constant pick up
a necessary sedation
always dependent
on their dependency

He was born on the wrong side of the tracks
a ruffian, lowlife, wastrel
probably addicted to drugs
taking from a society
which was never there for him
"don't end up like him son,
he's on the fast track to nowhere"
born on the wrong side
the bad side
the hopeless side
sitting at the bar
he ponders life
in a glass of whiskey
"where is the right side?"
he asks
to no one in particular
he doesn't understand
why he seems to be trapped
every city it's the same story
always caught on the wrong side

but that question got to me
what's better?
to be a ruffian
lowlife
wastrel
addicted to drugs
or the other
over privileged
a smile bought
at a great bargain
wrapped in plastic
ready to be shipped off
used and used and used
worn out
but there's always a replacement

submission or punishment
these are the lives we pick
and regardless of which side of the tracks
we are born on
we've all made our beds
we're just trying to accept
that we have to sleep in them

you sit there
in that desk chair
or at your table
at the coffee shop
day after day
hour after hour
because it's all you know
past present future
the world outside
is growing bleaker and bleaker
but that's why they made blinds
close yourself in
remove from your life
everything except this
no school
no job
no money
no contact
just you
and a desk
and a head full of things
you don't completely understand
the road isn't always pretty
in fact most of the time
it's down right ugly
and maybe it will do the same to you
but in the end
after all of the flowers wilt
and the tears stop coming
people will talk about you
"**** that boy really went
all the way"

I can not call myself a poet
with any good faith
I respect it too much
the raw words which shred out of me
come from a place
which I don't know
I didn't put them there
and though you don't know it
I'm pretty sure
that you wrote all of my poems
it just so happens
that the pen was clutched in my hand
the keyboard just happened
to be within my reach
but you're more than a muse
transcending language
you are a well
of emotional explanations
my guardian angel
pulling my strings from behind the scenes
if my poems are beautiful
it is only because you are too
if they are ugly, pointless, obscene, *****
it is because that's how you make me feel
you are a cathedral
which I can't besmirch
I hesitate to attach my name to this
what's a name anyway?
you are a poet
and you don't know it
you wrote this

he breathes pollution
exhalations of corporate
caustic black smoke
nerves tight like drums
they pound out a call to war
a war which doesn't exist
so he wages war
against himself
and everyone else
he stuck two bolts in his neck
on top of his roof
devil forks of lightning
with arms like pistons
he punches holes in a million forgotten rooms
legs like a combustion engine
his gait shatters sidewalks
with an eye full of killing
and a constant squint
he extinguishes the sun
and laughs
a maniac in the dark

but he has a past
there aren't good people
or bad people
just people
with good or bad
stories
because we created him
this walking atom bomb
set to self destruct
because one day
many years ago
he was a child
who couldn't get to sleep
on Christmas eve
just like you
just like me

It is so **** tempting
to leave this place
these pages
and these faces
just pack everything into my car
and drive west
for as long
and as far
as possible
never stopping
until I reach sunnier pastures
when life is like broad street
in rush hour traffic
and I'm trapped
stuck to street dividers
it seems like a good idea
to stick up my thumb
and see where it takes me
but I'm scared
scared that whats out there
will swallow me whole
a forgotten poet
penning his words
on the inside of a whale
and the truth is
I've been running for a while now
never moving anywhere

My mother was a catholic
until her mother died
she said she fell out with God
and sitting through surgeries
and a harsh childhood
stole God from my father
And that leaves me
sitting in an empty church
listening to the rallying calls
the crusades never ended
but the holy land has changed
the human mind
told to fear difference
but nobody cares
if I wear a shirt of poly-cotton blend
I think it's time for a new bible
after all
the current one is pretty old
gathering dust on my bed side table
papal imagery ****** in my face
they should have stopped writing it
after they penned the golden rule
and tossed out the rest

It was a funny night
the boys were out on the back porch
eating sandwiches
of nutella and magic mushrooms
the girls were all upstairs
snorting tiny white lines
crushed prescriptions
and it hit me
a wave of light
pouring over me
again and again
"look at all the directions
we could go tonight"
so we went on a walk
through a winter wonderland
a sky divided
northern lights green
mars red
streetlights carrying rainbow halos
and these streets are paved with stars
the bushes bloomed with clouds
"there is no God
but I believe in love"
******* that was deep
falling deeper and deeper
whatever the opposite of being
comfortably numb is
they took the cigarette out of my hand
entranced by steel blue spirals
making their way into the thick night
"It's burning me"
humans seemed a whole lot more
worthwhile
and that rug felt like magic
on my bare feet
everything being so perfect
it made me wonder
if life isn't the hallucinogen

how's it going Harry?
how do you feel?
I'm not sure if it is going
the hands on my clocks
haven't budged an inch
in a long time
how's it going?
I hide from certain thoughts
my mind
no longer a place of safety
an intellectual get away
the world has invaded
and taken up a residency
which I hope isn't permanent
My wallet has been empty for a while
unemployed
no degree
and I only have three cigarettes left
how's it going?
I can't complain
I could
but it would be useless

Maybe it's youth
but I'm impatient
I want it all
write now
words which come from a place
that I can never find
but always seems to find me
dreams of other souls
walking around lost
finding solace
comfort
companionship
in these silly little poems
write now
not later
because standing still
doesn't go well
with my restless leg syndrome
write now
because tomorrow
is never a certainty

I'm a *******
I guess
but i always thought of me
as a human canvas
your blank slate
do I like the pain?
I've always had a high tolerance
but do I like it?
I guess not
but when it boils down to it
I'm happy
to be your punching bag
the dead air
which you fill with songs
older than time
these scars
are an ode
to your life
a beautiful poem
even the ones
which you can't see
I'm more like a billboard
than a man
but my ad space
will always be reserved
for you

draw it into my lungs
feeling the buzz
the electricity
of an alien substance
vibrating in my chest
and I'm dead
but nobody seems to notice
words like bullets
fully automatic questions
Why?
Why me?
can't you tell
can't you see
that I'm floating away from this
and if I'm lucky
I won't ever come back
unless somebody rescues me

Sleep is miles away
and who put this room
spinning on an axis
my vision is travelling
faster than the speed of light
which explains why
everything is so dark and blurry
no more night skies
no more summer days
it feels as if
this empty bottle is my grave
but there's a corner store
just down the block
which sells forty ounces of happiness
for only two fifty
falling deep into my bed
still fully clothed
I'm scared of the day
when I hit the ground
shattered into thousands of pieces
hoping you will put me back together

king sized sticks of escape
the best chaser
without it
I feel without an escape route
which to me
simply won't do
there's too many obstacles
and I'm out of shape
I tire easily
and I know that one day
I won't be able to climb them
a long drawn drag
they're toasted
and i have walked a mile for a camel
was it worth it?
I don't know
all I know is that
if you don't come soon
there will be
nothing left to save

it's cold this morning
footsteps chasing breath
they call it a walk of shame
nobody gets why I smile
walk of shame
I prefer walk of game
proof that somebody will have me
amazed at the image
of my bed
empty in the early hours of morning
and me
somehow in someone else's bed
someone who may have been drunk
but so was I
and ******* it
she thought I was good enough
and that made her beautiful
at least to me
and for a couple of hours that night
we shared ourselves
with open trust
content to hand this other
the key to our bird cages
and they call it a walk of shame