I am not ok.
Not just in the way that I am upset or hurt...
No
In the way that I think about death way too often.
In the way that I can’t see myself having a future.
In the way that at this point in my life the only option is for me to leave.
Leave... Such a funny word it is.
Leave, just get up and go
Just like my dad did when he decided he was done and left me alone.
But that’s a funny story because it was mutual between my parents
But what about me?
I got no say in if I was ready for him to leave.
Or leave like when I went back home after visiting with people
Because last time I checked I didn’t want that either
Or leaving school, which I know sounds weird as every child couldn’t wait for school to be over but me?
Leaving school was the worst part because I now had to go home and be alone. Alone with myself, my own thoughts in my head that I couldn’t handle because I was so
Lonely.
Leaving has never been a good thing in my life
It usually ended in confusion and sadness
With this feeling of an empty void that I couldn’t fill.
I didn’t understand why it was there.
Nothing good ever came out of leaving so why do I now feel as though leaving is my only option?
I use the word leave as though it makes the blow softer as if I really don’t mean die Because saying die is so harsh when said out loud.
It is a forbidden word that if you speak it you can feel the shift happen when everyone around you goes from being ok to being uneasy.
I use the word leave because even after all the hurt it caused me somehow it feels better to use in my case.
What if I leave and it fills people with guilt and hurt...
But isn’t that how I’ve always felt? When leaving is the action.
Leaving is such a harsh word for me
That maybe dying is definitely wrong to use.
The only thing left for me to do is leave
Because what else can I do?