I'm doing it again
I'm letting boys control my mind
my feelings
my everything
why do I do this every time
why do I let myself get affected by them
and why do I base everything I do around boys
why can't I just do something for myself
simply because I want it
why does the end goal always have to be to get the boys attention
I'm so sick of it
I'm not good at mind games
I'm not good at this

on the other hand I like this feeling
the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen next
what encounter you might have with each other
what small joke and simple smile you will share
the butterflies
they're constant and you don't know why
you don't even like this guy
but the mystery of the whole situation excites you
you get that feeling you get every time a cute boy comes along
you can't describe it
but you know when it's there
I wish it would never end
I wish I could just live each day with the suspense that I may or may not see you
because when I do I can't even hide my smile
I don't like you
but this is fun
and I can't help wishing for more.

That's all anything in my life has ever been.
Like I've always been sitting on the fence and had no desire to get off.
To choose,
to make up my mind.
There's so much I want to say
but then there's nothing to say at all.
There's so much I want
but then there's nothing I want at all.
Why am I stuck in between?
It's meant to feel safe, but I don't want safe.
I want to make up my mind.
I want to move on.
I want more than this, I really do.
And even though I choose stay, my heart longs for more.
But I just don't know what to do.
I'm sitting on the fence,
and I can't get off.

I miss you.
You not being one person, but being everyone.
I knew I'd miss you,
but I didn't know to what extent
and I didn't know it would be like this.
All the stupid little things that annoyed me about you are gone,
and it's almost like I see you in a new light.
To be honest
the stupid little things that I thought annoyed me where in fact just that,
stupid little things.
Because when it came down to it you just loved me,
right?
You just wanted the best for me.
And at the time I may not have known that,
but now I do.
I wish I could go back and tell you I'm sorry.
Sorry for getting mad at you and sorry for pushing you away.
I see how stupid that was now,
and I feel even more stupid knowing I'll probably do it again.
Sometimes I learn from my mistakes, and sometimes I don't.
I'm only human.
But what I have learnt is to appreciate everyone you have in your life.
Cherish the moments you have with them
because when it comes down to it,
it's those moments that make you, you.
The time we spent together should have been long enough,
but it just wasn't.
It's almost like all of those months and years boiled down to one day.
One day of memories,
one day together.
And now these few months away have turned into an eternity.
It's true what people say
you don't know what you have until it's gone.
But for me it's different,
because I didn't know how much I appreciated you and cared about you
until I was gone.
But I'm not gone forever,
and you're still there,
still perfect in your own way.
And I guess that puts a little light on the whole situation
because I know I'll see you again.
I don't know when and I don't know how,
but I know I will.
So for now I just have to appreciate the little time I had with you,
and thank you.
Thank you for your love and care,
and thank you for just being there.
It's hard to show my appreciation when I'm so far away,
but I just want you to know that I love you.
I love every single one of you.

You know what's weird?
When the one person that used to make your stomach turn upside down at the sound of their name
and cause butterflies in your stomach every time they were around,
becomes nothing to you.
You don't even flinch at the sight of them
and you could care less about what they're up to.
You can't tell me that's not weird.
When your whole life used to be about them
and you couldn't imagine yourself without them.
And now
you're just happy you're not with them.
How can our emotions change so quickly?
How can you be so in love with someone
and then a year down the track walk by them
like they're just another stranger in the crowd.
It's just so weird.

Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe I still think about you.
Maybe I still wish we could have turned out differently.
If we met later in life,
when we were both more mature and actually knew what we were doing.
We were both so young,
but oh so in love.
Or at least I think that's what you could have called it.
And maybe I'm still in love with you,
down in the deepest part of my heart,
maybe a part of it still belongs to you.
And maybe we could have made it.
Stayed together
and grew together.
But maybe doesn't mean anything.
And neither do we.

I sit here all day counting down the hours until I can be where you are.
To hopefully get a smile and a simple hello.
Do I like you?
No.
But it sure is nice to just have someone to talk to,
even if the conversation only lasts for a few minutes.
I don't even know if we're flirting, and honestly I really don't care.
Or at least not any more.
I'll take whatever I can get.
It's pathetic that I look forward to seeing you.
I don't want my feelings to be controlled by guys.
Or at least not right now.
But I'm just so lonely.
I feel like there's a hole in my chest
and its getting bigger each day.
And your small amount of attention manages to fix it for just a split second.
So here I sit again counting down the hours,
hoping that you'll be there.

Please be there.