the green upside down Q.
freshman year.
American Studies.
you put a tiny, shimmering,
green Q on my school computer.
upside down.
i'm surprised it's still there, honestly.
but i'm glad it is.
through thick and thin,
it's there and it reminds me of you;
all of the good, and sadly, the bad.
it's getting pretty old.
it's got about three more months
to live on my computer,
and after that, who knows
where it'll live then?

you.
you're all i think about,
every day and every night.
you're never not on my mind,
and when you are,
you never leave.
your smile makes my day
and your laugh makes my night.
i love the way your hair
falls onto your forehead.
i'll never be able to get over
the way you look at me.
i love the way my hand
fits into yours.
i love you,
and i hope that never ends.

when i am weary
i look up.
when i am scared
i look up.
when i miss you
i look up.
i find hope in the sky
knowing you're there
looking down on me.

It’s my happiness,
My brightness,
My future.
You are yellow,
And yellow is my favorite color

She sits alone
on her bedroom floor
Listening to the sound
of her dads old records playing  
at 9 in the afternoon.
Her room sits above
the table her dad drinks at
Listening to the sound
of yelling and glasses breaking
at 9 in the afternoon.

She sits alone
on her bedroom floor
Crying into her hands because
her dads back to his old habits again
at 9 in the afternoon.
Her room sits above
the table her dad drinks at
Now he's slumped over sleeping
in the chair he sits in
at 9 in the afternoon.

On this day of remembrance
you aren't here for me to say
thank you,
for everything you've done
for everything you'll do
from all the sacrifices you've made
to the decisions that had to be made,
i thank you from the bottom of my heart

Today I turned 16.

A year or so ago
if you asked me
I probably would've
told you I never thought
Id see the day I turned 16,
and here I am.

I'm alive,
I'm breathing,
I'm trying to be happy.
I'm better than I was
a year or so ago.

I sing.
I sing so
I can express myself,
so I can let my emotions run free.
I sing.
I sing in hopes of
making someone smile
or feel some kind of emotion.
I sing.
I sing to make myself happy
I sing so I have something to live for
and something I can be proud of.
I sing.
I sing so
people know I'm here and alive and breathing,
and so I have a voice people will hear.
I sing.
I sing so I can feel alive.

I get this weird feeling sometimes
when I look at myself in the mirror.
It's like I have an out of body experience
and for a second I see how everyone else sees me.

I see myself as me
and I can't figure out whats so bad about that.
I can't see what people make fun of me for
but yet, I still believe every word they say.

It's hard to better myself and look the way
society wants me to look,
when I don't even know whats wrong with me
and what I'm supposed to change.

I hate the feelings I get
when I wake up
and have to get ready for school.
I make myself sick
almost everyday
because I'm so scared
to show myself in front
of people I've known for years.
I make my head hurt
almost everyday
because I always overthink
what I'm going to say
to the people I've known for years.
I make my heart hurt
almost everyday
because I keep all
my feelings and thoughts
hidden and tucked away
from the people I've known for years.
I make my soul hurt
almost everyday
because I put myself down constantly
so I won't be shocked
when the people I've known for years
do it behind my back.

I woke up this morning
to a pink room
When the sun comes
through my windows
the light hits my curtains
and makes my white walls
a soft pink
I woke up this morning
to a beautiful sunrise
it was purple and
had spots of yellow
and orange and blue
it was gorgeous
I woke this morning
to my mothers voice
at 6:30 am
how soft and sweet
her voice is in the morning
i'm going to miss it someday
I woke up this morning
alive and breathing
with a heartbeat
and a reason to live
with people who
love me and cherish me
And i'll continue to wake up
Every morning
to beat the voices in my head
and prove to the universe
and to the voices in my head
that I deserve the life that I was given
and I will live it to the fullest

I'm no longer happy anymore,
and I haven't been for a long time.
The people I loved the most
are now a memory,
someone from my past.
I wish I could say they
were happy and joyful memories,
but honestly all I can remember
are the "Hello's", "Goodbyes"
and all the "I love you's" in between.
I can't see them anymore.
I can't talk to them anymore.
I can't even hear their voices anymore.
Nothing will ever be able to
fill this hole I have in my heart and soul.
I'm Empty now.
And sadly, I'll always be like this.

It's 11:08pm
I'm sitting on the cold,
wet floor of my shower.
As each individual drop
of water hits my face
a new thought enters my mind.
It's now 11:34pm and
I'm still sitting on the cold,
wet floor of my shower.
Except now, the only
drops of water hitting my face
are coming from my eyes.
There's now millions of thoughts
rushing around in my head.
It's now 12:02am and
I'm finally in bed.
All of my thoughts are gone
and now I'm left with an empty mind.
With no thoughts left,
I think about how my day went,
and the day before that,
and the day before that.
I start thinking about it to much
and before I know it
I'm curled up in a ball,
crying once more.
There's a faint voice
in the back of my head
saying that each day will only get worse
and there's no reason to keep going.
It's now 12:57am and
that same faint voice
tells me to just end it all,
to go to my bathroom and
get all the pills I can find
and just make my life a memory
for those who knew me.
It's now 1:23am and
there's a new voice,
an even fainter voice,
telling me that each day will get better
and that right now is the last time
I'll ever feel like this again.
It's now 1:39am and
the other voice won.
I'm now lying on the floor
of my bathroom, unconscious.
It's now 6:30am.
My mom opens
the door to my room
to wake me up for school.
I'm not there so looks for me
in my bathroom.
My mom finds me on the floor
where I've lied in peace
for the first time in years since 1:39am.
I've become pale and my body is cold.
She puts me in her lap,
hugging me and crying, begging
for me to wake up.
I never did, and I never will.
The other voice finally won.

Can you see
That i'm not happy anymore?
Can you see
That I don't laugh anymore?
Can you see
That i'm always sad?
Can you see
That all I ever do is cry?
Can you see
That i'm not joyful anymore?
Can you see
That I don’t sing anymore?
Can you see  
That i'm not myself anymore?
Can you really see me?

As I sit here
With my headphones on
Listening to nothing
But the music playing
Into my ears
As my room stays quiet
I think about
Everything
Everything and anything
I think to much
I think too little
I think a lot
I don’t think enough