Throughout the course of our lives, we all make choices -

Some big, some small.

Some decisions are worth little more than the time it took to make them,

But others will change your life forever.

Do not be fooled,

the words you’ve said today may still haunt you twenty years from now.

But the words that will haunt you the most are the ones said but never heard,

for instance, “I love you” or “I need you” or “please stay”.

Loving you was the most lavish form of self-destruction.

Before you, I was built solidly,

I was a product of years of growing in instead of out,

I spent more time on myself than I did working on others.

I made sure I was invincible.

However, when I let you in, you became the termites slowly eating away  at the structure I had built.

Slowly destroying me a little at a time.

I never noticed what you were doing until I collapsed,

as soon as the dust settled I found myself seeing more clearly than ever before.

I was a victim of my own misguided trust.

I had left myself in your hands.

When you boil a frog, if you heat it instantly, it will jump out the *** however if you slowly turn up the heat, it will stay until it dies.

This is why a relationship such as ours lasted so long.

You were such a liar my love,

breaking one promise after the next,

at first so slowly, gradually turning up the heat, leaving me to die.

I had put up my walls so high before I met you but took them down at your request-

I was hooked.

The most dangerous enemy is the friend that will stab you in the back and leave you to die.

I told you that I needed you countless times,

But I was never “good enough”

I hope 20 years from now you find yourself still alone,

Reeking of desperation.

I hope you think of me and wonder how you let me go, call me up one night a few too many beers and let my words rip through your body.

“I do not need you. I do not want you.”

Will echo through your body, just as “Goodbye” did to mine.

She stares back at me,
A face I no longer recognize
Sullen expression
Sunken eyes lined with deep crimson shadows
Eyes that no longer have any vibrancy to them
Lifeless.
Her disheveled hair looks like it hasn't been thoroughly brushed in weeks.
She attempts to smile back at me but even a blind man could see that misery has taken over her heart.
The walls she has begun to put up to protect herself have begun to crumble.
An innocent victim captive of insomnia and depression
Drowning in her own despair.
Never have I seen a face so lost at sea,
I wish I could guide her back home to me.
She looks feeble, her skin has grown so pale as if the moment I look away she will disappear out of thin air.
Her face could tell stories better than her words ever could.
Her face cannot lie and tell you that she is fine unless carefully edited.
She applies each layer of makeup carefully, erasing every trace of misery
Using eloquent detail as carefully as Vincent Van Gogh would have applied to any of his paintings
It is her mask to cover her hollow shell.
She makes sure to cover the deep creases littering her forehead,
Whites out the deepened pools below her eyes
Edits her construction to make her seem whole.
Silly girl to think that this facade could be maintained forever
She can hide it from the rest of the world, but she cannot hide it from me.
Tears stream down my face, and only then do I realize how lonely I have become, talking to my reflection for some essence of companionship.
I wipe away the tears and continue the facade.

You traced every contour of my body
Every wrinkle of skin that I hate
Every cellulite budge that I find repulsive
And told me that I was beautiful in skin that I have been fighting my whole life to crawl out of.
In your arms I feel whole
The weight of the world is no longer my own
I feel weightless.
Pushing myself deeper into you
So deep that my problems no longer matter
You make it all go away
You make me feel beautiful through long nights
Through tragic days
Through pain as well as glory.
You make me feel like I can do this.
Thank you.

Last night was the first night I felt something in a very long time.
Rusty razor blade in hands I navigated my thoughts - a nightly ritual needed for survival.
Cutting away every problem
A surgeon dissecting myself, removing the worries that have been malignant for so long -
I was dying with them
My hands no longer trembled
One incision after the next, blood doesn't come at first.
Flustered I state until crimson red beads surface slowly and pool over against pale skin.
My thoughts get quieter
I took a deep breath - I could feel the oxygen filling my lungs.
It didn't burn like it had moments before.
It felt like I was surfacing after days underwater
Just one more -
5,6,7
I was losing feeling in my hands
10, 15
In my feet
30
I start to feel dizzy
Red pours out of me
So beautiful
My heart rate so slow
My mind so quiet
So this is what heaven feels like?

I cannot promise that there will not be bad days
But I promise to hold you through the night until the sun rises to bring on a new day.
I cannot promise that life will not feel like it is holding you at gunpoint
That friends will never abandon you
That you will never fail
But I promise that you will never have to go through it alone.
Fate has a funny way of ******* up plans but I will be ****** before I let you go through this alone.
As long as there is blood running through my veins
As long as my heart is still beating
I will be right here
And that I can promise you.

They asked me how I saw it coming -
How I knew to build up my walls, to slowly let go.
You just do.
You know it's over when they forget to text you back,
When hours pass and conversations that used to take five minutes one message after the next take hours to complete.
You feel like you're running a race you cannot win.
You know it is over when you find yourself doing things to distract yourself from thinking of them because you know they aren't thinking of you.
You know it is over when their touch no longer makes your heart skip a beat,
When you know you aren't the reason behind their smile,
When they start to use "I" instead of "we"
"I need to go out"
"I can't talk today"
When you kiss them and they keep their eyes open
Complete indifference
When you ask them to go out and they say they are too tired
When silence becomes so uncomfortable you try to fill it with trivial information
"You know I cheated on you, right"
Words that never need to be spoken become said.
When there is no longer enough passion to even argue
Or pick up the phone
Or say hello.
When two people who gave each other promises of forever can pass by each other without a second glance.
That's when you know it's over.

I was raised to keep my head down
To turn the other cheek.
To never raise a fist.
To speak softly and carry a big stick.
But to never use it.
These were the things my parents taught me.
For years I only knew how to be submissive
How to please
How to never speak up
These things were supposed to keep me out of trouble.
But I soon realized that silence is even more dangerous than passion.
Silence is an excuse for others to take advantage of you.
And passion in small doses is enough to keep the danger away.
I learned that you can have fire in your eyes
But to be careful when letting it escape your lips
I learns that fire burns
It needs to be controlled.
But is useful in moderation.