My world is crumbling
It’s all perception
That I’m still smiling
Underneath all the trauma it’s true
I am not lovable
I have to check myself when I say
It’ll be okay
I know in the end
It’ll just get worse
In the short term
I continue to lose
There are days
Where he continues to win
My story will not end
Happy
I will force myself to be
Sad
Yeah my life is
A mess
It’s true I am
Nothing
Never believe I am
Worth it

The world is a kind place
I laugh when people say
You’ll never be safe
Please understand
Anything is doable
Trauma is reversible
Stop telling me
You’ll never be safe
I clearly understand
I am resilient
Why does everyone say
You’ve had 23 years of pushing people away
I get
Life can be hard
But to simple say
You’ll never be safe
Do I have to scream
I have the reigns

I don’t know what the future holds
I do know I have a future
I am scared to death
No
I am not scared of death
I should be dead
I would be
But can you fight the world
I’ve been fighting the world
Fighting myself
Acceptance
Accepting
I never had a first love
My first love love wasn’t when I was six
He was a
There’s no word
What wasn’t wrong
But for some reason now it is
I’ve always known
But now I have assurance
Now I have to look in the face
Looking it in the face is scary
But not scary enough to **** me
They all had their chance
But I’m still walking
They didn’t **** me
So yeah I have a future
No one gets that
No one gets to take that
But what does the future have for me

You deserve what happened
Never believe
It wasn’t your fault
Keep telling yourself
You didn’t want it
No matter what someone else says
You let him into your house
So what if
You said no
At the end of the day
The shame and guilt are there for a reason
It’s not true
It was a ****
It hard to accept but
Your body was not saying no
Its natural that
You regret it the day after
Don’t ever say
He took something you can’t get back
I’m sorry
But there was barely a struggle
I’ve lied to myself and said
He ***** you and you’ll never get that back

Would you come to my funeral
Because I know I wouldn’t
The fact that I’d be forced to be there ****** me off
I just want to be done
I don’t want all this
I want people to forget me
Forget I existed
When someone brings up my name you perk up
But quickly go back to whatever it was you were doing
I’ve never been to a funeral
I don’t want to see it
The thing I’m trying my hardest to have
A funeral
But why do I still want you to come to my funeral
Why do I want you to cry
Why do I want you to think about all those laughs we had
If I want to die so bad
Why do I cling to all these memories
Maybe because I have a secret
A part of me
Maybe like one percent
Doesn’t want to die
It wants to thrive
But the rest overpowers that small sliver
So how can I cling to that
Cling to wanting people at my funeral
Even though I might die tomorrow
I want you to know
I want you at my funeral
Even though I don’t believe in God and don’t believe in heaven
I do believe I’ll miss you
But you can’t save me
No matter what you do
Understand that
But please
If I do die
Show up to my funeral
Cling onto that one last memory
Remember me
That’s all I ask
All I ever really need
To know that there will be people at my funeral
Know that I made a mistake
But this one can’t be undone
So I’ll cling onto that one percent
As long as you promise to show up to my funeral
Even if I outlive you
Promise me

I don’t know.
I thought I deserved it.
The first time, I felt the fear.
I felt his presence.
I felt the fear of him.
I chased that feeling.
I wanted that fear.
She shouldn’t be the only one to live that.
The thing is, I’ve loved it.
That fear is installed in me.
That’s why when he was on top of me, I laid there and cried silently.
Just looked at my wrist.
Afterwards, I freaked out.
I wanted him away.
But, I had awoken something in me.
I could always feel him distantly.
Now, he was really with me.
I could feel his hand on me.
I had a built a bridge.
I could cross it anytime.
Instead of being happy with that, I wanted contact all the time.
Sometimes when I crossed that bridge, there was just darkness.
I wanted light always.
Except, I would always find darkness.
No matter how much I “knew”.
I always knew.
It would make me sick.

This world is not fair
There are times
Where I know the year will **** me over
I have to get out of the mindset
That things will be okay
I have to start to believe
I will never work my way out of this hole
Everyday I will tell myself
This is where my story ends
It is far from true
That I’ll find safety
I know in my heart one day
It can finally be over