If you have to switch between
Loving her and loving yourself
If you cannot do both at once
If she isn't obsessed with the way
You trace you own skin
With the gentlest of hands
Just as she adores the touch
Of your fingers on her cheek
Is it really the kind of love
You want to feel?

1.) You start off as strangers; sometimes her name gets stuck on the tip of your tongue. You still don’t know what it tastes like. You don’t know that her heart races when you glance at her. You don’t know what she looks like when she’s just woken up. You don’t expect to love her. It doesn’t even cross your mind.
2.) You are sitting in silence in the passenger seat of her car. You don’t feel the need to break it with empty conversation. When you do, it’s easy. You don’t worry about saying the wrong thing or laughing too loud. There is comfort in the silence that you share and in the few words that are exchanged.
3.) In between the silences and the late night conversations, you find yourself thinking about her. What would it be like to touch her? To hold her hand? Would you feel safe in her arms? You think you would. What if she was lying next to you? You tell yourself to stop. You will not fall in love.
4.) But then you really are touching her hands. you can feel the warmth radiating from her fingertips spread through your entire body and you hope she doesn’t notice. You hope your hands stay cold so she’ll hold them a little longer. Her touch is warm and gentle. You don’t want her to let go. You don’t want her to go.
5.) She is smiling and you can’t stop looking at her. You love the way she smiles and the way she laughs. You love being the reason. You love her eyes and the way she looks at you. Whenever she does, you can feel everything inside of your chest explode. You know what it means but you aren’t ready to admit it yet. Not to her and definitely not to yourself.
6.) You are laying with her. She is holding you and you feel safe just like you imagined you would. Neither of you are speaking. You don’t need to. You still find comfort in the silence, but this time in a different way. You love looking at her. You love the way she feels under your touch. You love everything about her. You love her. You love her. You love her.

Anxiety is red
Red like biting the inside of your mouth so hard that blood spills out onto your tongue and you can taste it on your lips
Red like that lip gloss that you're too afraid to wear out in public because it's a little too bold for the way everyone perceives you
Red like marks "for improvement" spewing from every line of that paper you thought you did really well on
Red like stop signs that you can't always see because it's kind of dark outside and you forgot your glasses at your house and oh god why did you even leave
Anonymity is orange
Orange like going to a motel in a town you've never stayed in with old shower curtains from the 70s
Orange like goldfish at different state fairs that die a day later that you win for tossing a hoop on a bottle
Orange like trying on bright eyeshadows at random stores and pretending to be someone you're absolutely not
Orange like sticking your head out of the window on a highway and basking in the streetlights and singing your favorite song as loud as you can because no one knows who you are and it's okay
Happiness is yellow
Yellow like her seemingly endless hair flowing as she knocks her head back in laughter at something you said
Yellow like catching fireflies with your little sister just before the dusk sets in and she wants to keep them all
Yellow like faded pages of old letters that you keep in a shoe box and read when you're missing her
Yellow like sunshine beaming through tree leaves on a warm day with the slightest breeze that makes the whole world release a calming sigh
Change is green
Green like the curtains in your room that have seen how you've grown and they're on your side
Green like your first day of school when you aren't sure who to sit with at lunch so you end up sitting alone in your car
Green like creek water mixing with the tears falling from your eyes because you realized that he hurt you he hurt you he hurt you and he's nothing
Green like the way that the earth gently transitions from spring to summer to autumn to winter and back to spring in a never ending cycle
Depression is blue
Blue like before it rains when the clouds blend in with the dark sky and the sun seems to be only a memory
Blue like telling her that you're going to sleep so she won't worry when you know you'll be awake until you can no longer cry
Blue like your tear-stained eyes in the mirror when you've relapsed after two years of being clean
Blue like fingernail polish that has to be absolutely perfect on your nails because you've convinced yourself that it's the only thing you do right but you keep messing even that up
Love is violet
Violet like tasting the weeds that your mom always called "honeysuckles" when you were a child
Violet like leaving pressed wildflowers on your favorite pages of your favorite books for someone to find someday
Violet like the love bites she left on your chest, on your stomach, your thighs, arms, neck
Violet like the lipstick she wears when she's feeling bold and you're so in love with her it's hard to find words to put your thoughts together