When I read a book
I have a tendency to go right to the
Table of contents
To gauge what I'm in for
To see when I'll be crying
When there's "When She Saw Him"
And "The Last Goodbye"
I don't know what's going to happen
But I know something will
When I get really into a book
I have a tendency to go right to the
Last few pages
To see whose names are still relevant
Who survived that goodbye and
Was that look of when she saw him filled with
Daggers or stupid little red paper hearts
Who has made it to the last few pages
To say, yeah, it got rough but we made it through
I wonder
If you went to my table of contents
What you would see there
I wonder
If you went to the last pages of this story
Would you see my name?

A simple, well-cut black dress with pearls and up-swept hair. So, Audrey Hepburn.
The way the Japanese drink traditional and ceremonial tea.
The shape of a ballerina.
French manicures.
Horseback riding.
Victorian dresses.

Performing in front of anyone.
A cute guy smiling at me.
Playing something beautiful on the piano.
Knowing that I did my makeup well and someone says so.
Catching a glimpse of him.
Hearing his voice on the phone.
When he looks at me with so much love in his eyes.
A boy sighing (not in an exasperated way) at me.
Singing a beautiful song well.

The thought of seeing him when he's high.
All drunk people.
Him finding someone who's a better fit for him than me while he's at college.
Having a child with health complications.
Something going wrong and making me relapse with my cutting.
Constantly waking up in the middle of the night when I have to wake up early.
Something, anything, happening to him that takes him away from me.
War.
The thought that someone might be able to read my mind.
Large crowds of people.

People making jokes about my birthday.
Banging teeth when kissing.
Eggplant.
Walking to school in the cold without a sweatshirt.
Being too cold and losing feeling in any body parts.
Kissing someone with ****** hair. It hurts.
Saggy knees.
Stretch lines.
Homophobia in any way, shape, or form whatsoever.
Boys whose hallway swag gets in the way of my getting to class on time.
Having to wait until he and I can be together.
Period cramps.

Sometimes I wish I were pretty enough to turn heads.
Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to achieve anything in my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really cut out for marriage and motherhood.
Sometimes I vow that I'm not going to eat at all for a long time or become bulimic so I can lose the disgustingness that is me. Then I forget and break my vow and it makes me appalled at myself.
Sometimes I wish I had a better memory. Actually, I always do.

A perfect apple with just the right amount of juice, crunch, and ****.
The bare branches of a large tree silhouetted against a cloudless, starry night in the winter.
The feeling of a brand new, sharp pencil flowing out words onto a blank page from my soul.
Mentally and physically handicapped people who go through life happy.
Saving someone's life.
A good healthy crying session.
A freshly opened geode.
The smell of a new book's pages.
The dip between the eyes and the cheekbones.
A song that gives you goosebumps.
A small child's hand wrapping tightly around my finger.
A cottage with morning glories climbing up one side.
A crown of leaves and flowers.
Going on a photography adventure during the Golden Hour, when the perfect light makes everything look beautiful.
The mist rising off of a lake in the early hours of a cold morning.
The feeling after a good haircut when your head is lighter and free.
A really well-done smokey-eye.
People with scars like mine.
Him when he's sleeping next to me.