Okay I know this is for poetry and being serious, but i have to to this because this is how i feel right now. Okay right now I am sitting in my history class and lunch is in 16 minutes. No one has any idea that I am legit shaking because I am so excited to eat. I know it's a problem, but food is my love, my laughter, and my life. Okay I'm done now!

I can remember how he looked before it happened.
I remember the way he smiled,
the way he laughed,
the way he held his head up and made everyone in a room laugh.
How did i not see this coming?
I thought he was happy.
I thought everything was okay.
He never told me how he was really feeling,
or how he couldn't stand life anymore.
I remember how he made things better.
How he could change anything dark,
into a bright space.
He made me happy.
He made everyone happy.
I miss him like the moon misses the sun.
If I could make things better i would have.
If only I had known how he felt.
If only I knew how you saw yourself.
If only I could take back the life you took.
If only you hadn't taken your own life.

I was only 12 when you left.
You turned you back on everything that loved you and chose what hurt you most.
you Ran from everyone who wanted to help you.
You fled from all that had had your back.
You left us behind.
You left me behind.
You were all i had.
The only one who really understood me.
you have me hope.
you were my hero.
you left me with the responsibility of a child who doesn't belong to me.
I love that child whole heartedly.
He is my everything.
You were my hero at one point.'
You taught me so much.
you will always be a part of me.
you will always mean the world to me.
i will always love you.
No matter what.
I will use what you taught me and teach my amazing nephew.
I will tell him about how his father was great at one point.
i will show him how to  be strong and loving.
thank you for the tine you gave me.

Tears roll down my face.
Nothing but sorrow infests me being.
I though you loved me.
You told me you wanted me.
You said you needed me.
All I wanted was you.
Your love.
Your infectious smile.
All i needed was to know that you loved me back.
You obliterated me.
My heart.
My soul.
You played me like a child's toy.
I gave myself to you and you used me.
Why me?
What did I do to deserve such disdain?
Tears aren't the only things flooded on me.
The blood on my wrists is slowly draining me of life.
The bath water on my body.
Rinsing me of all of the pain I have suffered from.
But mostly the thought of you.
How much I wanted you.
Craved you.
Needed you.
How much I loved you.
And how much you didn't love me back.

as i sit in the darkness of my room,
I think of all of the wrong either done to me,
or that I had done myself.
I remember the crimes committed against me.
I ask myself how someone could do something like that to me.
What did i do wrong?
Why did you attack me they way you did.
I was only a young girl.
I didn't do anything to you.
you cheated me of what was rightfully mine.
you took the most precious gift we as people are given.
you ripped me of what i was saving.
it was mine and you destroyed it.
you tied me up and had your way with a young child.
you recorded my torture for your own amusement.
you ***** me.
you maimed me.
you beat me.
you forced me to watch what had been done to me.
you forced me to do things no six year old should ever do.
i was saving that for someone i loved.
it wasn't yours.
for years i blamed myself.
i would shower and never believe i could be clean.
you demolished me.
but i got through it
you lose.

All Except
She closes her eyes
Imagining a place where only goodness and light exist
She takes the pain that’s binding her
And transforms it into love
Because she loves him
She takes the beatings
But in her mind
She imagines him
She imagines every touch he gives her
Only being of love and warmth
She sees the good within him
Even when all there is
Is anger
She turns the smell of drugs and liquor on his breath
Into roses and sweet honey dew
She covers up her pain
To show him love and understanding
Even though all she gets in return
Is ridicule and oppression
She sits alone
Wondering why this is happening
Realizing no matter how much she loves him
He will never love her as much
She packs her bags as full as she can
And waits until the drinks put him to sleep
But instead of passing out
His drunken mind turns to rage
He sees the bags next to the door
And yells a cry of pure outrage
Her heart is racing
Her mind is scattered
She is deeply afraid
She locks her door and hides behind a dresser
He bangs on the door
He pounds the door until it falls from its hinges
Tears filled her eyes
She pleaded for him to calm down
She begged for him to let her go
But he refuses
All he sees is red anger
He begins to bludgeon her
Kick her
Degrade her
She tries to fight him off
But he over powers her
She tries to get up and run
She fights back
Except harder than before
She grabs her only defense
A gun
Under the bed next to her pool of blood
She reaches with what little strength she has left
She fills her hand
And silence floods the room
All except for the two shots fired
One on the head
The other in the space where his heart should be
She stands back up
Knowing all that she has ever loved is gone
Then she walks away covered in blood
Thinking all of him is left behind
Until she felt a small flutter in her stomach

Years ago we were a mere housemaid and care taker for the children.
We had no say in anything that man did not agree with.
We didn't even have the right to vote, let alone speak our peace.
We worked like slaves for our men and fell at there every need.
No more.
We are changed from the silent shy beings, into strong and elegant Woman.
We are strong!
We can fight!
We have Power to make just as much change as any man can!
We work hard we earn our keep just like a man.
Nothing can stand in our way anymore!
We are united with tranquility and honor in a sisterhood of unimaginable success and love.
We grow together.
We stand together.
Always.

What happened?
To my unbreakable depression
What happened?
To my “I don’t care attitude”
What happened?
To my toughness
What Happened?
To my anxiety
What happened?
To my PTSD
What happened?
To the complexion of my skin
What happened?
To all the stress
What happened?
To all the hurt
What happened?
To all the reminders of the wrong I have done
He happened
He turned my frown upside down
He changed my beliefs
He changed my mind
He turned my hardened heart into a soft place
He opened my eyes to the truth
He showed me what a true man is
He showed me who I am.
He taught me what the right thing is
And the right thing is you
You did this
All of it
You turned the tables
You changed my life
You saved my life
You gave me reason
You have me my sunshine back
You returned my integrity
You hold my heart in your hands
I will fall at your every whim
Although I will not lose who I am
I will give you my all
My everything
You are what I want in my future
You are what I need in my life
You are the reason I stand before you today
In a few years this poem will be a memory of our start
But know that I will make this last

That word
The one that is so difficult to say
But at the same time to uplifting to verbalize
The word that has me wrapped around your finger
The word that has me at my wits end
The word that makes me fall to my knees
The word that describes how I feel about you
The 4 letters that make my heart melt
The word that gives me hope for us
Although it hard to say
It’s so easy to feel
The word that makes me believe in us
The one syllable that turns my sadness in to an overwhelming joy
That single word that makes me think of only you
The word that makes my smile uncontrollably
Although I put out a tough vibe
The word I feel for you makes me weak
Even if you don’t want the same
Even if you never feel this way about me
I will always have this word for you
I will always rip at the seems
Because you made me truly believe in this word
No matter the situation
I will always have this word stuck with the thought of you
You make the word
You may not feel the word
but
You are the word
And I will always have this word for you

Home of the insane,
Of the crazy.
Of the mentally unstable.
My mind wanders into deep thoughts of you.
How you might look now.
If your hair is long,
Or short.
If you have to wear those glasses you hate,
Or the contacts that drive you nuts.
If you think about me as much as I think about you.
I miss you.
I miss your laugh,
Your smile,
Your goofy gestures of love and appreciation.
I miss the way you used to look at me,
With you beautiful eyes that shifted me soul.
I miss the safe haven you made for me,
The one that was made of your love and warmth.
I miss the beat of your heart
Intune with my own.
I want more than ever to see you again.
But these padded walls won’t let me leave.
This self-hugging suit holds me in place.
I want to be free with you.
But they think I’m nothing more than a mentally unstable crazy lady
I can’t move.
I want to,
But I can’t.
It’s like being able to see the grass outside,
And never be able to feel is softness on the pads of your feet.
You can’t imagine how much I want to be with you.
How much I want to hear your voice.
To feel your hand on mine.
To taste your lips one last time.
I want to be free with you.
I want to be saved from this hell I’m trapped in.
GET ME OUT!
IM LOSING MY MIND IN THIS ISOLATION!
LET ME GO!
PLEASE!
I want to have my sanity back
I want you back.
Please I beg of you.
Give him back to me!
I love him!
I need him!
Please release me from this place of mental torture!
Please.
Give me my sanity.
Give me my freedom.
Give me my love.