I must be humble as
I journey on the arrogant search
for humility

I must be a part of one
and at once all alone;
neither at the bottom
nor the top
of my human family

I must be calm in
my existence
and yet unaware of the
tranquility of my being

I must find balance
while not seeking it
I must be serendipitous
without reveling in my serendipity

I must all at once listen
to my critics
and let their words
roll off my shoulders like rain

To find balance you must lose it
and all the while
be unaware of the balance beam
you teeter on.

this oppressive fatigue
pushing, blanketing my consciousness  
watching as numbers swim into ink that
bleed all over the page
and daydreams turn into nightmares
and love is as transparent as fragile glass
when balance is balancing on a tiny pill
and the headaches don't come and go
but swell and retreat
never really there, never really gone
just as you are
never really there, never really gone
I stay as still and silent as possible
but I am
running, screaming down the hallway
tearing at the demons pounding on my temples
crying big salty tears
that soak my face and are lost somewhere
in the atmosphere
I know and have known what it's like
to drown for
days
months
and still be alive.

Do you know what it's like
to love a boy as insubstantial as air
whose kisses feel as heavy as an anchor on your heart
but whose touch fades from your skin and
grows cold whenever he's away?

Do you know what it's like
to resign yourself to the fact
that he's never really yours
and may never be
but you still love him achingly anyway?

Do you know what it's like
to see the lines of his forehead and the stubble on his jaw and the green of his eyes and the slant of his shoulders
in the dark of your eyelids every time you blink?

Do you know what it's like
to glimpse his beautiful heart behind the walls he's built
for the smallest fraction of a second
but have those same stubborn walls
crash down on you,
suffocate you,
take your breath away?

It's only just words
or the thoughts that alight them
It's only just a kiss
or the love that is created by it
It's only just a smile
or the memory it invokes
It's only just a voice
or the heart that beats for it

It's only just forgetting
that the winds are meant to change
It's only never knowing
if you ever called my name
And it's only just regret
If you ever felt the same

Home is where the heart is, but my home was built in vain.

My soul is ragged as the bags under my eyes
As I lay in my silent bed
Forced to let Past creep under the covers
By day I run like the wind away from her,
But Past is cunning
And knows that in sleep,
I cannot escape her.

My heart is as aching as the lump in my throat
As I say farewell to a love that cannot hear me
To he who stands on the very sands where we promised forever
And who once was my soul, is now a stranger.
A year has passed and the love that has kept me captive
Is finally setting me free.

My mind is as restless as my open eyes
Who wish to see with them new places and new people
And open ears who wish to hear the music of distant lands
And a waiting mouth that wishes to speak the languages of many
And with that gift of language, bring together two peoples as one.

My soul is waiting. My heart is anew. My mind is open. My time for my life to begin is now.