the only reason he hated to leave my bed was the four inch memory foam mattress pad. it wasn't because I was there next to him. or because we were there together. the only thing that kept him coming back was the four inch space between what connected me to the world and kept me alive before I was born and the place he liked to call his home. and it wasn't my heart he was taking or the time he was taking that I cared about. it was my body. it was how he would roll over when he was finished and I'd scratch his back until I couldn't feel my fingertips. it was the way he'd ask and I'd say yes because. wait. I don't know why. now he's found another four inches. and the only reason I sleep in this bed is the four inch memory foam mattress pad. otherwise...all I can feel is him.

And just like that
In just one breath...
In the time it took for a set of eyes to turn red
And
A mouth to go dry...
My best friend was gone.

I just woke up from a dream.
You pushed me off a cliff.
I think it was my subconscious telling me
there were some unanswered questions.
Beating a dead horse is no ones cup of tea.
But my brain hurts
(as it often does)
and I don't think I changed throughout.
You were special to me,
and I to you.
I guess I never understood it.
Maybe it's not for me to understand.
I don't want you to resent me.
I also don't want you pushing me off any more cliffs.

I promised to love myself and myself only...

Then I promised to under promise
and
over-deliver
so
I took that promise back.

I decided I wouldn't hope for a new year to be better
because
I'd gotten further than I ever could
have dreamed
I had.

Promises are strange things anyway...
Words sent out into the universe
hoping
a star or a comet will
latch on to them
and take them somewhere.
Maybe
that's why there are so many stars in the sky.

Another year is gone
and
I'm a little teary.

I've promised things
and
been promised to
and
I can't remember even one of them.

But lately...
I've been looking at myself a little different.
Loving
who I'm becoming.
So,
I'm not promising.

I'm just....
working...
on enjoying where I go.

Tomorrow could be different.

I could take all these words back
but
it's now that matters
and
all I'm saying is...
I'm not looking back.

And sometimes I just want to cry. Not because I'm sad.
But because the universe is so big and there isn't a big enough word to describe it.
And I'm so small and there isn't a small enough word to describe that.
I want to cry but not because I'm lost. I want to cry because there are so many people who are.
I want to shake them and tell them
"we're only here for a second".
You only need one thing, anyway.
One thing to remind you how small you are.
But that one thing has to be what lifts you up, makes you stands taller...reminds you that no matter how small you are in the universe, you are big to someone.  
I want to cry because I've been lost but it's happening. Here. Now.
And there's nothing I can do or say to stop it.
I want to cry for the time I lost when I was lost and there isn't enough time for that.
We're here for a second and I don't want to cry about that.
I want to cry about how many beautifully exquisite things there are to see and I want to shake the hands of the men and women who made it that way.
I know there isn't enough time for that either.
So maybe instead I'll cry tears of joy that the people I see in photographs and on television are part of my team.
That they are small, just like me and they got to see something I may never see.
And that's okay with me.
Because I'll feel things like they don't feel and see things they don't see, too. Because that's the way it works.
We cry and we laugh. We scream and we whisper. We run and then we crawl.  
All because we want to do it all.
I don't want to do it all.

I just want to keep being a part of the team.

Carefully placed footsteps and
mismatched heartbeats
perfectly disguise
my anxiety.
Too many nights in
a concrete square-
setting fire to photographs and
brain cells.
This will not be
about you leaving
But rather-
about me
staying here.
A hug in exchange for
a kiss and I'm left
thirsty...
             (what the hell went so wrong?)
Made-up stories about
Jack and Jill and
arguing who got to wear the crown
Well I - desperately -
wanted to let you win.
Carefully laid bed sheets
mocking the warmth I felt next to you
and you...
               (laying and lying next to me)
felt like those mismatched heartbeats
were too much.

Maybe I wasn’t expecting him to hug me so tight.
We were really only friends, except for that one time…
But he came around the corner with a huge grin on his face, I made him a pie.
I barely got my arms around him and all of a sudden my breath was gone.
Such a simple chain of gestures: food, grin, hug.
And just as I never expected I was back together, whole again.

I hope sometimes you just have to have the breath taken out of you.
I hope it wasn’t just him.