Am I not dreaming enough?
Did I dream too much?
Left the present to live in an imagined future
and potentially lost awareness
in how sick I was getting.
Like my breathing rhythms grew stale
cuz they didn't have attention of the now.
I was off playing in fantasy land too often,
leaving behind what the here was trying to tell me

Or is it in this time of illness and panic,
all I need to do is dream a little harder,
a little bigger,
a little better.
And that will be the key to getting out of this swirling cycle,
and into an open free space of choice
and joy
and vitality

I very well just may be a superhero
Of my own destiny
A ‘Magic Brain’ if you will
That can create any dream
Any fantasy
Any visualization
Into actual lived-out experience
I see the beauty in my own life
Digest its observance in my mind
Translate it into curated eye candy
And in that powerful recycling mechanism
I somehow manifest it
Into breathing moments by me
And I’m met with disbelief of how lucky I am
To receive it
To have done it myself
To be connected to the Universe so strongly
To believe in myself enough to actualize it all
And then a swarm of gratitude rushes in
Towards all those same things
And for the power I behold
In this current vessel
And as I embrace the unfolding movie
That of course always looks different in real life
But in most cases
Finds themselves to be beyond
Magical
Blissful
Organic
Deep
Exhilarating
Warming
Than what I had sketched into color with my cells
I then even take snapshots of those real time marvels
And package the same seeds into more of the
Ditches and crevices of my yearnings
And thus the magic continues

...But with all of our lights,
There is a shadow
And because I’m able to take in such
Beauty and truth
Essence and emotion
To formulate my future in this way
I can’t help but also take in
The ugly and the harm
Stress and deep pain
Which overtakes my body in its holding
And because my mind is unique
In its innocence
And natural draw to positivity
My Magic Brain takes a stand
In not recycling
These same donated difficulties from the outside
And closes up shop on the factory
For that dark magic
Would never get through
In the ways in which this machine was built
And so it sticks in my vessel
Like clogged pipes
And the longer I keep it
Intertwined with my insides
It will hide
Attach
Try to grow
And in time
Needs an absolute relief from the confinement
And so…
It finds it's way
Scratching and scarring through my colon
Blistering out my lips
Slicing itself in tiny shards
And dissolving out the skin
Draining my energy in the fight
Playing tricks and cruel jokes
On my immune system
And telling riddles to my mind
In attempts to manipulate blame
But that does not mean
My gift is gone
It is only the flip side
Of this shiny coin I discovered
As a little girl
And have made it a fun practice
To polish it so often
And I wonder now
If I can use this same superpower
My ‘Magic Brain’
To heal its very own device
To see healing
In order to take it in
To feel it
In order to regenerate it
For future reality
To eventually then become my inevitable present
If I could take these effervescent
Complex textured
And layered colors
Of the sky
Painting these mountains
That hold this ocean
Creating what I perceive with these eyes
In this moment
And somehow ingest it
Or wash over me
Or soak into me
Or consume my breath
To inhale
I think I could repair this machine
Un-barricade this vessel
Heal this body
Re-ignite this spirit
And get back to playing
With my magic powers
As I wish