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Hands Dec 2012
a wind blew
from within my body
and tried to blow out
the Sun.
it huffed
and it puffed
but it could not blow
that immense house
down;
that great,
vast,
fiery idol
which stands as a monument to
the immensity of the Universe.
I have no idea why
it wanted the Sun
to go out,
I just know
it is the only way
to save myself
for we all have
our own idols within
ourselves,
bright and brilliantly
conceited flames
that just need to be
blown out
every so often.
this flame burns upon
the chest of the devil,
that evil and most vain lake of desire.
tongues of fire form
islands of
delusional self worth
convince themselves of
their large and grand importance
isolated and
surrounded by a sea
of themselves.
it burns within
the bitter bottle,
releasing its stinging vapors
upon the breaking of the seal.
these humors drift up
and into my nostrils,
coalesce in my lungs and
concentrate
into a fiery wind.
it burns within
my naive soul,
desperately needing a new-grateful
wind
to blow it
out
and quench its thirst
for immensity.
despite the irritation
I needn't have water,
wandering in the desert of myself.
to deny myself
all the comforts of a good life
and to reward myself
all the glories of an elevated mind
is what is most important;
I pinch my fingers
to blot out the Sun,
hiding that horrible light
behind my clasped together
fingers.
I replace it with a new monument,
an idol to
the things that have
shaped me,
given me this
gift of
silent reflection,
to wander in the sands
of introspective madness
until I come out
a prophet
or
a walking death.
I dive and delve into the deep
Hands Dec 2012
Walking
in the swarthy
and swarmy
woods and wilds
of my backyard,
there were no stars
and there was no light.
At midnight there would be no
prince for the night;
no other could be
quite as dark as the pitch
the woods
the wilds
of my
mind,
my heart,
my very soul and
every cord of my existence.
They had frayed on the edges,
had torn through the hedges
of layers and layers to
insulate me from
the deep, unsettling
cold.
The chill bit at me,
nipped and played with my fingers,
its mouth an icy and most frozen maw.

This was simply no time for a breakdown.

Every thought can be construed logically,
mentally,
without heart and without
soul;
your feelings can be felt from
one central command center,
can be ordered and prompted like
the code on a screen.
You are a screen,
a vast computer
computing away love and lust and
hate
and
self loathing
to fill up the time,
the empty spaces
between the bursts of information
radiating from your
core.
The human brain is a machine,
like most things truly are.
It runs on logic and illusions and delusions
of the heart.
For, you see,
it is the heart that is the center
the heart that is the core
the heart that powers that great and billowing factory
of thoughts and dreams and desires
of every man we ever loved
and every person we admired--
for the heart is seated in the head
upon a gray matter throne,
adorned with
electrical currents and
neural connections and
a visage that never flatters
its surroundings.
This industrial labyrinth,
this monumental mess of
perception and reality
traps you while awake and
bind you while you dream.
From within that maze of
mental pipes and wires and beams
the heart shall do its coldest calculations,
shall punch in the numbers and
spit out the
degrees of feeling.

It is hard to escape, sometimes;

though, lately I have preferred
the gentle simplicity of nature,
its cool and calm suggestions,
its easy-to-take truths.
It is so much easier to dwell among
the pines, the oaks, the locus and the ash,
to burn a pile of logs and to
smear one's face with the ash.
For the machinations of the mind,
of matter and of all material
perception
are far more wicked,
more complex,
more frightening than anything in nature.
I like it better to feel the nibbles of soon-winter,
the stinging of the flesh,
the goose-prickling of
my very breath
as it billows out into the stars,
out into the vast sky,
the vaster heavens,
the vastest cosmos
and beyond
into the very heart
of the Universe
matter
life
everything
my breath shall rise and float
and mingle with the gods upon
the waves and currents of Everything,
that Most Natural Machine.
finally, I emerge from the pod.
Hands Dec 2012
and they are always going on
telling me about the stars
the moons
the distant points in space
with beings greater and wider and vaster
and emotions that are millions of times more complex
tragedies thousands of degrees more heartbreaking
creatures that see countless colors that we shall never even discover
and then they say to me
you are ugly
you are worthless
you are so ugly
look
see how they will never click you
lick you
see how they will never
like you
you are ugly
you are worthless
you are so stupid
and you don't even realize
trap yourself in your world of delusion
it always works out in the end
do you know the depths of your tininess
do you comprehend the meaninglessness of your being
can you realize the unrealness of your very existence
sometimes
I truly doubt you can

and I take it all in
I let them shove their hatred
their dark and putrid thoughts
into my head
let them defeat me and wring me out
drying out my insecurities
and reminding me of my minusculeness
my utter worthless wonder
my stupid
sorry self
Hands Nov 2012
Hey,
heard you have a
new,
nice
flame
a-burning
on your open hand.
Good
for
you.
You truly
deserve
all happiness,
all his
newfound
bright
blue
beautiful
warmth*
to hold
close to your heart.
I was
pretty
chilly,
huh?
I mean
let's face it
how could I ever be good enough
for the marvelous Ki--
NO
THE GLORIOUS QUEEN
OF THE UNIVERSE,
THE PENISED PRINCESS
HIMSELF IN ALL THE STARS' SPLENDOR
FOR YOU TRULY WORE THE *******
CAPE OF THE NIGHT
YOU ******* MOON
YOU PREDATOR IN FLIGHT
YOU SWEPT DOWN AND
STABBED MY SOUL
SHRIEKING IN A
GHOULISH HOWL
YOU TRULY DESERVE SOME
SMOOTH CROTCHED KEN
BECAUSE FUZZY OL' BEN
WASN'T LIKE
THE
OTHER
MEN
SO GOOD FOR ******* YOU
YOU BEAUTIFUL
BOMBASTIC
BLESSED OL'
BRAT--

truly,
all happiness,
may the best come true and
may you two be the sweetest
and the sappiest;
truly,
good
for
you.
cheating life and singing death.
Hands Nov 2012
He held my hand,
freshly wrought from
my mother's womb,
torn through a hole in
her belly and spilled from
a hole in his heart.
He smelled of Old Spice and
body odor and
marijuana,
he wore gold chains when
he was born to rags and
stacks of wood.
His grip on my hand,
so firm and strong and settled,
his gentle cooings and
warmth;
I miss the safety of it.
You can't be held
when you're the same size,
when the holder is the one
who might need to be held.
What nightmares had you seen
in white-washed walls and
halls of ravings and throwings and
the violence of a withdrawn mind?
Father,
it is you
that I have become,
that I still fixate toward--
my heart is heavy and
my head is torn apart.
You are my North Star
that guides me through life's oceans,
my scale to balance
my heart to a feather;
I wonder if it might be weighed down
with regret?
Father,
it is you
that I march toward,
that I find myself morphing into,
plucked from the cocoon of maturity from
a hole torn in its belly.
I had left one womb
for another,
it seemed.
Did I ever truly tell you
what you meant to me?
Even when
you weren't around
I turned to the air
to the warmth around me
to a stranger's grip or
the embrace of another.
Even when
you had left the world
for the one in your head
I only looked up to the twinkling of the night
to find my guide;
I remember
reaching a shaky hand
out to the skies.
The starry curtain
wrapped around my arm,
flowing like a gentle ocean,
like the fluid in the womb
then solidifying
like bedrock
like bottoms
like bases.
Even when
I hadn't seen you in months or
spoken to you in years,
I still held on
to that firm grip,
that far-too gentle
hand.
Hands Nov 2012
rocking and rolling
across the rocky shores
of my conscious mind,
I slam against the stones
that guard the sands of time.
each grain beholds an image,
a memory lost in space,
an old and weary page
written in upper-case.
.
[WAKE]
[UP]
[YOU'RE]
[ONLY]
[DREAMING]
.
I dream of death
I dream of pain
I dream of stinging,
stabbing rain--
I dream of skies
I dream of blue
I dream of your face
and the ever-present
warmth of
you.
.
[WAKE]
[UP]
[YOU'RE]
[ONLY]
[DREAMING]
.
my bed feels like
a tomb
so I guess that makes
your body a coffin,
and though I quit smoking
I'm always still coughing.
.
[WAKE]
[UP]
[YOU'RE]
[ONLY]
[DREAMING]
.
I think I'm sick and
not quite right
when I roam these empty
rooms at night.
what is it that
I'm always in search of;
is it happiness,
warmth,
or is it--
.
[WAKE]
[UP]
[YOU'RE]
[ONLY]
[DREAMING]
.
I've never been in love.
I've been asleep,
though,
been lost in the channels of
faceless static and
gray and formless rain
coming down on me
and burning with
intense pain.
.
[WAKE]
[UP]
[YOU'RE]
[ONLY]
[DREAMING]
.
the sky's not blue
and there isn't
there won't be
there never was
you.
.
[HOW]
[DO]
[I]
[WAKE]
[UP]
.
we travel by mind to that distant star
Hands Nov 2012
I dreamed my own death,
last night:

dug down deep through
dirges and dingy old dirt
my bed and my tomb are
one and the same.
like a blanket the dirt piles above
and like a mattress the
dirt layers below.
it gets so tiring,
sometimes;
sleep is a cousin to death.
there are loved ones
sobbing far away and
others laid around me,
lost and caught among
the endless eddies and streams
of neverending loneliness
that we all have felt,
some time.
it is a common experience,
a collective, conscious thought--
we float up and out of our bodies,
our gases and our atoms mixing with the
dirt,
the mud,
the worms and
the bodies
and the
ever-lost matter
of countless others come before
and countless more come
after.
we are all living in order to die as
after our death there will be nothing added
and nothing left;
the base materials,
the elements and bits of star stuff
have always been
and always will be
even when they are not
us.
really,
it is the
accepting of our own
demise--
our ashes to ashes and
the plastering of the
dustiest of dusts
that shall settle
and lay on thick
in layers and levels of
lost and loopy illuminations
of a mind that is filled with holes and rot.
I'm running out of breath
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