i can't just sit anymore
let my sight roll over the window pane
and the silence of the bears roar in my ears
without obnoxious pink clouds fuzzing everything

i itch to be more
tight legs, tight arms, tight mind
but everything is too loose and bunched
in the least aesthetically pleasing way
so i treat myself to another bowl
of honey nut cheerios

and propel myself further into the trap that is my mind

your face hums behind my closed eyes
as i tumble down a rabbit hole
goosebumps rise like baking yeast
the stars in my ribs spin like wheels
and all i can smell is the warmth of your skin

in the dark i drink the moments in
and hope that by the time sun leaks through
there is nothing in this dimension but dust

dangled mess
tangled loosely over sand paper
scraping up
carving out all the self-hatred

no success
torn dress, blood stained on knobby knees
good god,
help god - you're way too attractive now
take a breath
there's no death for a girl like you

just press on starving

i don't care about what's really happening
everything clustering in
up and out - puffing, expanding

give me the air that makes me just like Uma Thurman
with grace that's only mastered in a yellow jump suit
dripping with blood and brain matter
a blade between my palms

******* for making me feel worthless
oh and you too - over there - for making me feel like i am everything but

don't say anything
god forbid you mention how you truly feel
just let yourself simmer over the flame
when you start to splatter and burn
flip over
sizzle on every inch of skin

****, i should have ran
i should have put down the phone
i should have pulled off this ******* dress
i should have washed my face and slept
but instead i sat down and listened

because i felt like i deserved it
i let you burn me
like i burned you two nights ago

i am more than alone
nothing will comfort me like a mug of oats
nothing will frustrate me like a stubbed toe
nothing will make me smile like the warm rain
i struggle for answers to questions i already know
sometimes i just want to run until i can barely stand
sometimes i just want to punch something until i bleed
sometimes i just want to let go after holding on too long
i am more than alive