What is God, to me?
Not any transparent spiritual body,
Residing in the heavens,
no.
In our minds.

It’s the power
Of the human experience
Our love for beauty
And our need for love
Our need to show someone, somewhere
Even if they are invisible to us
Our need to say,

“I am here.”
Yet it’s also our fear.
Fear of the unknown
And being alone.
Fear of being unwanted,
Unloved,
Undesirable.

It’s the human races’ insecurity
Shame, humiliation
Of it’s own evil.
Fear that we will never have justice
For what was taken from us.
Love.
Honor.
Innocence.

Yet it is our desire
To rid the world of these evils,
These sins.
It’s the love and generosity
That is within
Each and every one of us
The comfort, the excitement, the beauty
Of minds coming together
As one.

So what is God, to me?
It is undeniably, utterly,
Human.

Crimson red
Embedded
In my head

With thoughts
Never said
On paper
never read

with water
too deep
I weep

A shroud of black
Seizing my eyes
Bringing back
Repeated Lies

Once heard
Yet never said
Leaving crimson red
Buried in my head

I feel a slime creeping into my bones, it makes them shiver.
It slides with sleek movement into nooks and crannies
And I sometimes don’t notice it inhabits my flesh.

But there are times when it grips my insides with unrelenting force
And causes me to heave with agony.
Then there are times when it tickles my brain, and chokes me,
So I might laugh uncontrollably;

When really the need for death is truly unbearable,
And my lungs crave to be emptied of breath
With a scream of terror and pain.

The slime sticks onto my skull,
Pervading all sense of reality.
It tells me that I am worthless,
Even when he tells me otherwise.

It whispers secrets of my past
Into my ear
That I’d rather not hear.

I‘d rather not see.

Those memories of sorrow and fear haunt me.

Of worry.

Agony.

Leaving me nothing

When now

I have everything.

A pulse quivering
beneath translucent skin
I feel my heart waver
I claw at the steel
on the edges of my sanity

My soul is aching
My heart vacant
forever wandering the desolate waste
of a solitary existence
forever creating the fantasies of love and companionship
to fill the void I must forever tread

Then an illuminating glow
splinters this grotesque nightmare
unchained from shackles of my own fabrication

Following the aurora
My heart ablaze with passionate love
the feeling euphoric
enraptured by beauty and brilliance

Such exquisiteness is unparalleled
The light
and beauty
and I
combine in harmony.........

and I am liberated.

I feel so cold…
Satin waters caress my body
Skin licked by a cold flame
Sinking deeper into oblivion
Eyes colored ebony

What a sweet song…
The memory of a life once lived
My breath floats away
The color and beauty of the world
Is carried with it

The music begins a crescendo
And in this moment
I am unified

Gazing with starlit eyes
I say goodbye to the world I live in
To the harmonies of love and suffering
To the chorus of nature

I say adieu to the wonder of the world
To curiosity
My essence trapped in tiny buoyant bubbles

I realize this moment I feared for so long
Is the most breathtaking moment of life
I feel life ending in a triumphant symphony
In a swift dance, a waltz, a lullaby

With a gracious gesture
I wave my hand goodbye
I close my eyes
I am devoid of pain

I am finally whole

I wake up in a haze,
Dazed, wondering through a fog of
People, faces, voices
Breath, laughter
Clusters of long forgotten memories

Opening up those scars
That have twice healed over
Exposing them once again
Bleeding, dark droplets
And the dream deepens

As the essence flows
Through a stained body
A stained existence
Yearning for self redemption
I know not pity

To Caress me down
Sweet silk decadence
A flower known as a child
The petals buried deep
Into the earth

Awakened again
When the nostalgia ceases
When poison desires are expunged
The candle lit
When I am free

From myself
The laughter excavated
From the hollows of my soul
Memories of a willow,
Willow, willow

Widowed
Though I know not
Of a bond of gold
And silver, it is love
That I know of



And it was taken
And poisoned
With sweet elixirs
And gentle caresses
Laid to rest

Beautiful eyes
Beautiful lips
Memorized in their extravagance
But never known the same
As when she closed them

Forever lost
With distorted memories
In a world
That I cannot touch
With my crumbling hands

Left to wonder
If those eyes can be seen again,
Sweet deity of Venus
Golden locks that soothed
My troubles

I’ll fall asleep
Hoping to wake up
From this nightmare
Of this nothingness

And I
Will
Remember

What
Love

Was