and tonight i’ll ache.
for no particular reason or amount of time.
i’ll stare at the tree, clad in the soft yellow glow of christmas lights, and i’ll ache.
i’ll ache for a time i was filled with childish wishes.
for a time i would wake up earlier than dawn to open up colorfully wrapped boxes and bags.
i’ll ache for the christmas spirit of times past.
i’ll ache for me.
for a version so far gone, i can barely remember her face.

i got you a present this year,
one i’m sure you won’t receive.

it will sit beneath the tree, wrapped up pretty with your name scribbled in your favorite brand of pen,
waiting.
it will wait until you’re ready.
until you’re able.

maybe it’ll wait until we forget eachother, and it will slowly fade away.

maybe it won’t wait much time at all.

but for now, it sits underneath falling pines,
untouched.

i drank to much coffee today and now my stomach hurts.
while yes, this is a trivial matter that could have been avoided on my behalf,
i couldn’t get enough of the warmth.
of the sweetness and bitterness woven together.

maybe there was another reason for drinking 3 cups of coffee in one sitting.
maybe the warmth reminded me of your arms.
maybe the complexities in flavors reminded me of your lips.

or maybe, i just really wanted coffee.
who knows.
either way, my stomach hurts.

if you asked me,
“why do you do the things you do?”

i’d tell you,
“it’s just the way i am.”

although, this is not true.
i am the way i am because my soul is intertwined with yours.
my movements are a mirror, my voice is a copy.
my heart screams your name,
and my lungs breathe your air.

i was molded in your shadow,
and i am content with that.

so, perhaps, im a liar.
to everyone but you.

i’ll let you drain me of all that i am.
i’ll let you use my skin as an easel.
my blood as the paint.
i’ll let you cut me apart.
use my eyes as sight seers, my lungs as the fresh air your crave.
i’ll let you run me dry,
if that’s what you asked.
if that is not utter devotion,
i’m afraid i have no definition of the word.

i will not long for a heaven,
or some other mystical place where i will get my final rest.
i’ll wish for a place where i can stay loved.
a place i can stay loving you.

the stars would be proud
to be a piece of someone like you

in my vision i saw it clearly
our hearts became one
my hand in yours as we fell asleep
a glow emitting from where our bodies touch

i drove down this road today
a road that’s tainted with your smile
your laugh
your eyes.
i drove until my eyes were blurry
and my lungs were aching.
even the trees sing your name,
throwing it around on a winter breeze.
you’re everything.
you’re everywhere.