Am I dead inside?
I ask this question a lot
I laugh
and smile
and get angry
but I don't really do any of those things
I can't cry
I can't care
I can't take care of myself
Only three things make me feel alive
Seeing my blood rushing to get away from me
Feeling the burn of whiskey in my throat
And coughing out clouds of smoke
So am I alive?
Or am I simply a corpse
stimulated by self destruction

Watching shadows
when I'm with you I feel fine
my one and many
I swear I saw you raise your hand
and wave goodbye
only after confessions
from the lighter parts
of human hearts
Dead things are everywhere
and all I want is to sleep
at the bottom of a crystal lake
or to wait
for moss and flowers
to grow from my eye sockets
that is infinity
and since all things die
I only find peace
and sense
in the infinite sadness

Sometimes I ignore everything going on in my life because its easier
and then when I'm alone and I try and use cigarettes and TV to distract me
It doesn't work
the world gets so small I can't breath
and I curl up and cry and cry
or sometimes I get up and pace and pace and pace
and every breath I take hurts
and the knots in my stomach and throat are killing me
I have no idea what to do
I have no one to turn to
and I realize how much I have isolated myself
I can't get off my desert island
I thought I wanted solidarity
but I really wanted was safety and security
and being alone is the opposite
it just created a fearful lonely existence

Teach your daughters
To impress
To be intimidating in a pretty dress

'Its not gonna work'
'Tbh you're embarrassing yourself'
Thanks
Thats what I needed to hear today
When I hear everyday form my Mom I'm a burden
I especially need to hear that
When my step dad forces pills down my throat
So I'm quiet and
'Don't cause anymore trouble'
I love all that
I'm standing up for what I believe in
And I'm being persecuted for it
Does that make me a martyr?
No
I'm too stupid to be a martyr
To 'embarrassing'
I cause too much 'trouble'
I'm just not worth it.

What I have seen in the world
was nothing I liked
I will be less stain
on this beautiful planet

I am not a 5 minute cigarette break
You cannot use me then throw me out
Can't you hear my screaming
Don't you care
Don't care
I don't

Don't have the time
or patience
to spit a half assed apology out of my mouth
so I'm detained
Lock myself in a white washed box
Listen to teen suicide
mumble mumble
who am I
and all that ****
We're all trapped in our own heads
Constantly detained
in our own (in)sanity

In the office
The vent is hissing and spitting
I'm bored out of my ******* mind
I wore a mesh shirt to school
You can see my stomach
But my legs
*******
arms
etc
are covered
really the only offense is
my belly button
I refuse to cover up my natural
normal
body parts
Its not right
Or fair
its completely unreasonable
But the administration needs something to stroke its ego ***** right?
But I refuse to give hand jobs
To a completely corrupt education system

I am awake
It has been 4 days since I last slept
(or has it?)
My minds eye
goes fuzzy every once
in
awhile
is that sleep?
sleep
is that
that is sleep?
Am I clear
or foggy
fog
foggy
              I am
                Fog
I wait and wait for sleep(?)
Am I real?
Real
reality
I am reality
I am a glorified cloud
of energies
from the earth I was born
and to earth I shall return
is that sleep?
How long have I been awake?
Eons?
Millenia?
Centuries?
Decades?
Years?
Months?
tick
tock goes the clock
what energies are mine
what are yours
are we all one
is one all
I need to sleep

It was my birthday 2 weeks ago
so of course we have to celebrate this completely arbitrary date
two weeks late
My uncle talks about killing things
smaller than him
My aunt smiles and laughs
but she doesn't mean it
My step dad glares at me
My step sister sighs
my step brother is oblivious
My mom drinks too much
as do I
my grandpa tells me how I'm
the black sheep
of the family
Criticizes me
"She's just not right"
I drink gin in the kitchen
come back smiling and docile
ready to take a beating

I'm caught
They know what I did
and I feel bad
But do I feel this empty gnawing
because I got caught
or because I know it was wrong
I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway
I didn't feel guilt until I got caught
am I wrong?
I'm guilty
but am I wrong?

I'm hollow
right in my middle
I can hear the wind whistling through it
It swirls around and stirs up the dead leaves
that were once my feelings
and thoughts and memories
Theres a storm now
and all these thoughts
feelings
memories
are turning into one thing
hollow
empty space
a black hole
it ***** everything in
destroys it
then its taken to an unknown place
are black holes in space
portals to someones soul?
Or is it the other way around
when your soul collapses
does it create a black hole
always needing
*******
craving
constantly hungry
in the fabric of the universe?

Do you ever think
About how you dislike someone
You thought you loved
How at the time you thought they were educated, cute, and funny
But now you realize they are a closeminded manipulative pretentious human
That loathes themselves and takes it out on the world
Its strange
And its sad

I got a tattoo 3 days ago
I knew it wasn't a good idea
Because the only thing I was excited for was the sensation of needles
Its a beautiful piece of work even still
Orange and red roses
A woman with flushed cheeks and bright blue eyes
however covering past mistakes with new ones never seems to work out

I want a lover that fills me

Drown my throat like a good whiskey

Suffocate my lungs with thick smoke

Leave my eyes bloodshot and burning

Make my head spin and hands shudder

Force bright colors to wax and wane

A drunk spirit with honest tongue

Lover, pierce my skin like needles

Flow in my blood, make my heart beat

Lover, enter my very soul

I will love you passionately

More than the vices I carry

Hide with your smile
Hide your heavy eyes
Hide with the quilt
You're safe under the covers
Wake up early
Serve your time
Don't do anything worthwhile
as usual
What is it all?
What is my purpose here?
Its definitely not to serve punishments in the school store
I hope I can change the world
I guess first though
I should change myself

Idiot
stupid
stupid idiot
I'm just a ******* waster
such a ******* waster
greasy stoner girl
think you're special
think you're different
shut the **** up
you're not special
you're not different
you're ****

I have tried it all
To get the monsters in my soul
Smoking them out
Drowning them in alcohol
Poisoning them with pills
Putting them to sleep with green happiness
Bleeding them out
And yet every night they whisper
I am here
I will always be here
As long as you are here

I feel like I'm obligated to write something today
But I really have nothing to say
or
do
I just want a smoke
and I want to talk with someone
and listen to music without speaking

World shifts

I see truth in the cracks
Everything is beautiful

And you see everything

I don't know what we said
Heads spinning on the room
Looking at the moon
I drew and drew and drew

Beautiful Moon People is the only thing I remember you saying

I only remember tracing veins
and Squeezing hands

I trace your back
Someone tries to sleep
I have to deal with so and so tomorrow
Don't let tomorrow consume you
Tomorrow is tomorrow and now is now
You can only be sure of the present

or can you?

Melt swirl run turn
I see the universe

Burning smoke
Hold it in
Cough it out
Taste it on your tongue
Burning girl
holds it in
bleeds it out
swallows it whole
makes herself forget
phasing in and out
Did I dream that?
World shakes
and bends
too weak (strong?) to crumble
phasing in and out
room flipping
screen screaming
keep it cool
hold it in
wait it out

Black shadows
in the corners of my mind
tell me
come on puke princess
one more time
       I said I was done with that
you fat monster
little pink piggy
why eat
when yellow bubbling fat
grows under your skin
like you need the food
            stop
you can see it when you open your skin
you see the fat
wouldn't you rather see your bones?
you can't bleed us out
you can't drown us
you can't smoke us to sleep forever
starve us out
puke princess
keep going
till you reach your magic number
99

I drank cough syrup until my head felt disconnected from my neck
But attached to my skull
I drown everything out by destroying my liver
And ******* frying my brain
Its a good time
Until you feel like somebody put your head in an oven
and slammed the door
over and over and over
My philosophy that makes this all okay
Is that we all die
And thats just the world
I'll end eventually
With scars on my arms
and on my organs
and on my heart
Not all the therapy in the world can change that
So **** it
I'll drink cough syrup until I have a purple soul

Draw on my hand
Listen to heavy guitar
Glare at my friend
Todays the day for a ***** riot
I'm angry as ****
Don't give a ****
Don't really care about anything
Destruction is a form of creation
Good
Cause I'm gonna destroy something today

Dante's inferno
Burning in hell
saving his love
But he was a sinner himself
Michelangelo Michelangelo
How the women admire your painting
But not your person
Is that the fate of an artist?
Hiding behind your artwork
And listening to people pick it apart
and think they're thoughts are exactly my own
how pretentious
Why must we pick it apart
tear it from it seams
Thats not it thats not it at all
Dare I disturb the universe?
Challenge the views of others
make them realize how wrong they are
but only to me

Please remember me
Fondly
When we were laughing on the porch
My pupils wide with understanding
You shivering in the cold
I sat on your lap and you wrapped your arms around me
I felt your breath on my collar bones
We held hands
I traced your veins all the way up your arms
In 10 15 20 years I hope to remember that night
And I pray that you will remember me
Fondly

high fives
for low lives

You know those moments
where  you have your
deepest
darkest
secret
perverted
disgusting
wrong
worrying
thoughts
and you realize
you're a real sicko

I think about your stupid face
all the ******* time
I wish I knew how it felt
to have your lips on mine
But who would choose a clump of dirt
in a bowl of chocolate chips
I smell like cigarettes
look like death
**** like an animal
I'm a complete degenerate loser
I don't have the confidence to tell you how I feel
So I guess I'll stick to putting love letters
under your windshield wipers

When I saw the rush of red
I panicked
sobered up
Ambien no longer had its sleepy hands around my throat
I threw my silver knight against the shower wall
Ran out shivering and naked into the hallway
Dripping life force
I made the mistake of telling someone
Because only the next day in the white four walled cell containing me
Did I realize how much I wanted to no longer exist
I laid in bed for three days on and off crying and shaking
Finally got released
To an even more cold family
Even more estranged from everyone I know
And everyone that thought they knew me
I act happy jump threw your hoops
Make sure I seem back to normal
And every night go to bed
praying to not wake up in this life

Bridge to Terabithia
In the 3rd grade

Where the Red Fern Grows
In the 6th grade

Eating raw chicken at the ******* barrel
And getting sick afterwards

Seeing my grandpa naked
When I was very little

My dad’s ****** and alcohol addiction
All through my life

And the way he forced me
The way my voice was not heard
It didn’t matter
To them
To anyone
Then

Or now.

I walk through the fog of my mind
I see the tree branches and tree spirits
I hear the whispering of the wind
The fairy circle is beckoning
I cover myself with flowers
And I lay down
Waiting to rot

will i look back at today as a happier day?
stressed out
bumming cigs  
promising myself i would quit on my birthday
even though i've been 'quitting' for 5 months now
i know im happier
but how happy can you really be when you take xanax like candy
and keep it a secret from everyone you  know so they dont worry
how happy can you be when you fantasize about emptying your stomach into a white ceramic bowl because the rush you get afterward is the only truly good feeling you've had for a while
and the only reason you let yourself get close is because he's leaving in a week anyway so it doesn't matter
and besides wasn't one okay **** better than getting close to someone?
have i become so good at feigning happiness im fooling myself?
is that what true happiness is?
all that could make me happy now is a new body with fresh lungs to ruin and a full pack of cigarettes

my body is floating
my lips and tongue(s) tingle
i just need to get to my room  

i could walk up these stairs
forever
but i reach the top

all good things end

my entire life has been
trying to convince myself to live
then talking myself out of it

I want to explore your body
Find all the spots you are ticklish
Make you understand how I want you
I crave the feel of your skin underneath my lips
I want to feel you breathing
Listen to your heartbeat
I want your flaws
and your illnesses
and your lies
and love

Sun is shining
Corn is dying
turning light golden brown
The wind blows through me
And I feel surreal
I know we aren't going far
But I want to
I think about it
It consumes me
The need to experience
states
roads
towns
an entire country
My lust for sight of the world
is so deep
I can feel it aching from my very core

I live on borrowed time
I waste it
I wait around for the end
I don't seek it
Why me?
Why am I alive?
I'm a scummy slimy stupid scuzzy ******
waster

Remember in the spring
when I didn't sleep for 6 days
then crashed for 2
I didn't eat
my hair fell out
my eyes fell out
i fell out
so I ran away from him
and for two days
while you were dying (I'm so so so sorry)
I was so gloriously seeing
and tasting
and breathing again
I was betrayed
and came back
and took a bottle of colorful candied mouth shutters/brain melters/eye blinding/wonderful/horrible
poison
I woke up the next day
and cried for hours
until my throat was raw
and my eyes were dry
then there were
more pills
more prescriptions (addictions)
more sleepless nights
filled with cigarettes
all presents from her ******* husband
they make me quiet
knock knock
nobodies home
my soul evacuated
my lifeless sack of a body
I became the living dead
Living breathing death
Then I was shocked back to life
when I chose
life
when I chose
to hide my wonderful little presents
in a secret box
with my ******
rusted
but still
silver
knights
I chose
shaking
sweating pills
fevers
no sleep
cold then hot
hot then cold
over death
and you ask
why I don't like your ******* husband