Black shadows
in the corners of my mind
tell me
come on puke princess
one more time
       I said I was done with that
you fat monster
little pink piggy
why eat
when yellow bubbling fat
grows under your skin
like you need the food
            stop
you can see it when you open your skin
you see the fat
wouldn't you rather see your bones?
you can't bleed us out
you can't drown us
you can't smoke us to sleep forever
starve us out
puke princess
keep going
till you reach your magic number
99

It was my birthday 2 weeks ago
so of course we have to celebrate this completely arbitrary date
two weeks late
My uncle talks about killing things
smaller than him
My aunt smiles and laughs
but she doesn't mean it
My step dad glares at me
My step sister sighs
my step brother is oblivious
My mom drinks too much
as do I
my grandpa tells me how I'm
the black sheep
of the family
Criticizes me
"She's just not right"
I drink gin in the kitchen
come back smiling and docile
ready to take a beating

Am I dead inside?
I ask this question a lot
I laugh
and smile
and get angry
but I don't really do any of those things
I can't cry
I can't care
I can't take care of myself
Only three things make me feel alive
Seeing my blood rushing to get away from me
Feeling the burn of whiskey in my throat
And coughing out clouds of smoke
So am I alive?
Or am I simply a corpse
stimulated by self destruction

Burning smoke
Hold it in
Cough it out
Taste it on your tongue
Burning girl
holds it in
bleeds it out
swallows it whole
makes herself forget
phasing in and out
Did I dream that?
World shakes
and bends
too weak (strong?) to crumble
phasing in and out
room flipping
screen screaming
keep it cool
hold it in
wait it out

Idiot
stupid
stupid idiot
I'm just a ******* waster
such a ******* waster
greasy stoner girl
think you're special
think you're different
shut the **** up
you're not special
you're not different
you're ****

I am not a 5 minute cigarette break
You cannot use me then throw me out
Can't you hear my screaming
Don't you care
Don't care
I don't

I want a lover that fills me

Drown my throat like a good whiskey

Suffocate my lungs with thick smoke

Leave my eyes bloodshot and burning

Make my head spin and hands shudder

Force bright colors to wax and wane

A drunk spirit with honest tongue

Lover, pierce my skin like needles

Flow in my blood, make my heart beat

Lover, enter my very soul

I will love you passionately

More than the vices I carry