I wonder what you did
with the mixtape you made for me,
but never gave to me.

Did you give it to the girl
that you ******
the same day that we
broke up?

Do you have one saved
that you give to each girl,
adding or subtracting songs
that fit into their world?

Was I ever even yours?
Or was I sharing you
without even knowing?
Who else did you promise
a personalized mixtape to?

I told myself that I’d go to bed early tonight,
after I did my homework and brushed my teeth.
I’d let myself read a bit,
and I would get some sleep.
But then I started to talk to you.
And we laugh as we looked at old pictures,
and the memories that go with them.
You made plans that we both knew
would never actually happen.

But at 11:52 on a Monday night in January,
when there is snow on the ground,
my eyelids are heavy,
and you are lying in bed, it didn’t matter.
We could be as unrealistic as we wanted.
I asked you questions,
and you’re answers made me laugh.
You were never one to be serious.

But I was slightly irritated,
because I wanted a peek at your limitless mind.
But you kept joking,
so I decided not to care,
because at least I was talking to you.
You told me your plans for the future,
but how sad you were.
But whenever I asked,
you told me you were joking.
I knew you weren’t.

I wanted to ask more,
but didn’t want to impose.
So I thought I’d let it go.
But I hope you’re really happy.
I hope you’re not sad,
like I know you lied.
Because I’ve met a lot of people in my life,
and I’ve known a lot of personalities.
And of them all,
I think yours deserves happiness more than any other.

I think that you deserve to be happy.
As happy as you made me
that one monday night in January at 2am
when there was snow on the ground
and my eyelids were heavy,
and you were lying in bed.

You broke me today.
I bet you don’t know how.
I saw you hint
that you thought that girl was cute.

You said she was pretty,
but I didn’t really mind.
Just like I think boys are cute
but no one compares to you.

But you kept talking about the
way she makes you laugh,
and when you started rambling,
I knew more than I wished.

I love our nights together,
mainly because I love you.
And I tricked myself into believing
that you loved me, too.

I love you even more
when the love songs play.
It hurts to know
that you don’t feel the same.

I love you, I love you, I love you.
You confuse my heart.
Because it’s happy and sad
when you run through my mind.

I wish you talked about me
the way you talk about that girl.
I wish I didn’t love you,
or that you loved me, too.

But the more I paid attention,
the more I knew,
that you loved that girl,
like I loved you.

Things are not okay tonight,
I never know what to say,
how to help.
I’m not a good friend.
I’m not as good as I once was.
You showed me a new perspective,
and I knew you weren’t okay.
But every ******* time I tried to help,
You shoved me away.
Don’t blame me for trying.
I only wanted to help.
The words didn’t come out right,
and I ****** up.
I love you.
Even if we never say it.
I love you.
You’ll be okay
and I’m sorry
that I don’t know how to help.

I wish my brain cells were like my skin cells
and they would replace themselves
so I could have memories without you in them.
But you are wedged into the crevasses of my brain,
but you are not found with a flashlight,
but rather the pale moonlight and the darkness of 2am
when I’m staring at the drywall in my room
when I should be staring at the back of my eyelids

Your memory lurks in the songs that I can’t listen to anymore.
You find your way into my head
every night when I lay in bed.
I find you in the saddest parts of me,
and you’re infecting the best parts of me .
I can’t find joy without wishing that I could share it with you.
You are killing me,
and we haven’t spoken in months.