I have been writing in my head for too long.

Pages and pages have accumulated in my mind and finally I realized
Words are heavy.

How long had I been walking around in this state?
These sentences
They make me drag my feet.
These sentences
It’s hard to lift my head

These sentences –
Am I still standing?

Look-
I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to shake these
Words off of my fingers.
I could be sitting here for years.
The universe may carve this exact spot out for me
“Reserved: for the girl who
held her words like they were bricks
for the girl who dragged those bricks around for
three years and didn’t even know it until now,
this very moment,
she sat down and a brick was shattered.”

This very moment.
This very moment is all that exists and all that ever will,
Yet this very moment
Is gone

Curious.

You see,
I have been writing in my head for too long
And right now
This very moment
I feel weightless

You held my shoulders
and took my palms,
and told me -
"Listen."

But I couldn't, because you
misplaced my
dearest friends,
and I was lost.

And my vision began to
vibrate, and the wall began to
blur, and your voice was
distant, when I fell.

And I guess, my head
hit the floor just right.
Because your eyes became wide,
and you reached for the phone.

When you started to dial,
I grabbed your wrist
and said
"No."

Our hearts were beating loudly,
thundering through the wall.
I told you -
"Listen."

Curling up to your chest bone,
six feet above the ground,
it is so warm here,
but I am shaking.

A train goes by,
and then another.
And then an hour goes by and
it's hard to tell the difference between
time and
trains,
trains and
time.

Yesterday,
Your wall was moving.
It was telling me secrets about myself that
I never wanted to hear.
Today,
I woke up and didn’t recognize
My own face in the mirror.

The windows of my mind are
Falling apart.

I am absentmindedly synchronizing my breathing with
The wind –
Metronome.
It whispers,
pleas,

falling,
falling,
falling.

Don’t say my name.
Your lips don’t deserve the courtesy to
Sit so closely with a part of me,
Because it’s always been too late.

I would have told you that loving you is like
Loving a piece of the sky –
The same piece I loved yesterday is
Nearly impossible to find today.

I’m being interrupted again,
By the flash of your hands,
Too quick.
Of your face,
Breaking even as it smiles,
And I cannot help myself but to
Fall apart as well.

Only after you leave
Am I able to
Sew together the flesh that you so ungraciously
Tore open, once again.

We’ll give them the glass stares they want,
And they’ll eat us alive.

In the background,
I can hear knives sharpening.
White bones waiting to be
Sliced by a certain solitude.

The walls are blank,
But the paint is heavy.
This room is hard to
Hold up on an
Empty stomach.

So we’ll leave,
(Promise that we’ll never come back)
And we’ll be cold when the
Snow blankets our eyelashes,
Douses our fingertips in blue, but

We’ll wait to be rescued.
We’ll have red crosses stitched over
Our chests.

We’ll stop on lonely our way because of
Something curious.

Splintered between the cracks on the sidewalk is
Sadness –
A drop of rain struggling to run its course –

Winter’s fortitude.

I could’ve kissed you on the Ferris Wheel,
Where we were close to holding
Hands with the sky.
Instead, you kissed me with the door open,
An empty hallway staring back,
But you liked James Bond movies,
And I liked to read.

On Halloween,
I wore red striped tights and I started
To cry and
You knew it was about you.
You held my hands,
But you liked to talk on the phone,
And I was always too tired.

In the summer, it was my birthday,
And we fought each other with eager lips and
Sunk into the green, green grass.
You rode your bike to my house with
Roses and a poem,
And I read it alone with your
Vase next to my quivering hand,
And you wrote about my eyes and my
Lips, because those were the things we
Had in common.
But I hardly knew what you liked,
Because I hardly knew what I liked.

In Mid-November,
You looked at me and your
Voice shook while you talked.
And we weren’t on the Ferris Wheel,
We were standing, (though I was falling),
In a field of red and blue people.
Your poem didn’t make sense anymore.
And when you turned,
And when I cried,
My hands were empty.

Today, I realized,
As No One stood before me,
That it is possible to
Miss someone who was never there.

The vacant space in front of me
Felt more solid and heavy
Than my own being,
And with all of my will,
I could not walk through that
Non-Existent Person if I
Tried.

I attempted conversation.
My words fell to my feet and
The Empty Air seemed too
Superior to listen –
As if my words could never possibly amount
To the Nothingness beside me.

So,
We sat in silence together.
We did not have tea,
We did not reminisce about the past.

I held hands with The Wind.

I am more alone than ever.