i could say i don't care
  i don't care
              i don't care
                        i don't caaare

but we both know
      that would be a lie

i would stand and listen
to the rustling of a tree's leaves,
watching as they glistened and glimmered in the sunlight

the wind moving through the leaves and branches
like water running over and between a stream's rocks

sometimes i pretend
that the rustling is your thoughts all the way from the east,
reaching your west coast girl
you're sharing them with me

soft whispers spoken in your voice separate your thoughts that flow through the trees,
breezing off my soft skin
like undiscovered kisses from your sweet lips

your west coast girl is waiting
waiting and listening for you
tell me
tell me *it's time to come home

i used to walk along your fingertips
and dance across your lips,
i always stayed on the outside
of your beautiful body,
never wondering how to enter in

i would sleep upon your skin,
dozing off to the sweet rhythm of your breaths
and the soft thumping of your heart
but i was never curious about them,
at least not from the start

sometimes i would dream
about tasting your lips
and having your hands on my hips,
but i wasn't enough, then
i was too small; too insignificant for someone as big as you

i kept dreaming and dreaming and hoping,
that someday i could be big enough
for you to consider
but you never looked at me, never spoke to me
and i began to wither.

i can't really write about the way
your skin feels against mine
or how i feel when you look at me
because i haven't experienced them yet

i can't really write about how
your lips slowly curve into
your signature smirk
because i haven't gotten to see it in person

i can't really write about when
your blue-green eyes
flicker in the lights
because i haven't seen them do it

but i can write about how
it makes my heart pump twice as fast
and makes my cheeks turn pink
when i get to hear you say my name.
or how repeating "its okay" in your voice
keeps me up longer some nights
because it seems to sound so real in my mind,
or how it made me feel sleepy and cuddly when i heard you say i love you for the first time
as if you were there with me in that moment,
arms around me.



there are a lot of things i cannot write about;
i cannot write about what most people can -
but that's okay
because their truths are different from mine

instead of putting together bits and pieces of things i have read
and making my own version of you in my little world,
i will write about you
from what i know about you
and not what i think i may know.
i will write about how you make me feel
despite the distance

i want to experience you
(more)
i love you

i love you deeper
than any ocean
and higher than any sky.
to the moon and back
and around the sun infinitely many times

i love you more
than the miles that distance us,
or the hours that part us
and even more than the times that we hardly have time to speak

because i believe that
one day we will be able to laugh and
talk to one another,
and not into a computer.

that one day i will be able to
reach over for your hand
or turn to you for a hug
and you will be there.

i believe that
one day we will finally be happy
and things will be a little easier
because instead of wishing and wanting
for each other
we will finally have one another

and the best thing
is that you feel the same way

and that makes all the waiting and hoping and difficulties we may face
completely worthwhile.

maybe i am never really drowning and
maybe i am not sinking
i'm not dying
i'm not cracking, i'm not breaking
i'm just

i am spinning and
i am alive
i am breathing and i am here
i am breaking
but into a new person
but these breaks i take i assume are for the worse
and then i feel broken
but i am just
alive