vulnerability either kicks you in the *** or deeply rewards you. there’s no in between.

i finally admitted to the world
that i chose the new thing

whatever that may be

now, let’s see

**** a man
who i will never be good enough for

my race
is not what he wants
my faith
not up to par
my outspokenness
to much to handle

yet here i am
clawing onto our marriage

and for what

i’ve spent most of my life
avoiding big feelings

ducking from the intensity
that so often leads to disappointment

passion? look away.
anger? let’s table it.
grief? i’m fine.
love? as long as it’s not deep.
happiness? don’t get used to it.
excitement? a waste of time.

so when life threatens to jeopardize
my built-in anesthesia,

i don’t want to wake up.

people pick up their pens
drawing
writing
mapping
deciding
all in black and white

but none of those lines are logical
because reality is truly just many shades of gray

It wasn't meant to be.
But it happened.
When reality was accepted, all was well.