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1.6k · Nov 2014
seasonal affective disorder
grace Nov 2014
i am afraid of fall and winter.
i am afraid of the dropping temperature.
the trees slowly withering.
i am afraid of the short days.
and the dark mornings.
i am afraid of reliving the memories we made in the fall.
and how we broke in the winter.
my heart goes cold like the weather.
630 · Jul 2014
alcohol
grace Jul 2014
can you believe at 3:24 am
i'm the only one awake
no one to talk to
my mind is alive
the thoughts rushing
please don't remember
the drunken decisions
the selfish actions
the hurtful notions
make me forget
because i cannot bear to face them when my mind is not altered
525 · Jul 2014
Forgetting.
grace Jul 2014
I feel like if I don't write things down,
I will forget.
I will forget all of the foolish things I've smiled about.
All of the things I've talked about
and the things I've been told.
Everything I've cried about.
All of my high school memories.
What I've laughed about until my stomach hurt.
Things that I've learned.
Acquaintances.
How I fell in love.
Things that I've favored.
Books that I've read.
Pictures that I've taken.
Places that I've been to.
I'll even forget writing this poem.
I'm going to forget all of these things
and I won't even know that I'm forgetting.
471 · Jul 2014
Mental Connection
grace Jul 2014
It's quite sad how that connection always lasts.
It could be days, weeks, months.
But it's as if we start right where we left off.
Like an unfinished autobiography.
As soon as a word comes out of the other's mouth,
we can't help but smile at one another.
As if there wasn't a tragedy that went on between us.
It's been a week.
And I know it will be there the next time we see each other.
But I fear the day that the connection between us ceases to exist.
370 · Aug 2014
tension
grace Aug 2014
months have gone by
and you're still on my mind.
i've been doing a lot better
but i'm still not fine.

you're everywhere
and we can't even speak.
when i hear your voice
my stomach gets weak.

i can't avoid you forever,
but i'll definitely try.
why is it that i
can't look you in the eye?

i don't even know
if i want you back,
but i miss you a lot
that's a fact.

i miss your face
and i miss your smile.
it's sad i haven't seen it
in a while.

i can hardly breathe
when you're in the room.
i really want to
speak to you soon.

when you catch my eye
i turn the other direction.
are you trying
to get my attention?

i still feel hurt
out of the blue.
i can't help but wonder
if it hurts you too.
241 · Mar 2015
Untitled
grace Mar 2015
i still think about the day you left
i never knew a pain like that before
you said goodbye so easily
and visited as you pleased
and i opened the door to you
each time you knocked

this pain didn't go away
while i was sleeping
while i was laughing

i gave you all of me
and you took it gladly
just to use and dispose

you put me through agony
240 · May 2015
Untitled
grace May 2015
you don't know how much something is bothering
you until you're drunk and your mind
is wrapped around it
engulfed in it
i'm melting
into my
sheets
but you're still in my thoughts
i can't walk
straight
but i can still remember the last thing
you said to me
something i jotted down a week ago
231 · Jul 2014
Untitled
grace Jul 2014
even in a sea of people
your eyes still decide to meet mine
224 · Feb 2015
Untitled
grace Feb 2015
if you only knew how often I stay awake at night thinking of us
i think of memories so sweet
they make me feel warm inside
reminding me of how much i loved you
how much i loved the person you used to be
they bring a sad smile upon my lips
how long until i will stop thinking of you like this
216 · Jul 2014
Untitled
grace Jul 2014
i watched you change right before my eyes
it was the most painful thing to see
so gradual i barely noticed the difference at the time
but now i see it clearly

perfect is what you were
we took a wrong turn
is that what landed you here?
how am i still sane?
why didn't i change?
can you not see all that is wrong?
i we wish could rewind to the crossroad,
but even with faith it seems impossible

you will never be him again
we will not replay
repeat
but God, i wish we could
even if it meant breaking my heart again
June 19th, 2014 10pm
170 · Mar 2017
haiku
grace Mar 2017
you smiled at me
i could feel the tears coming
but i smiled back
156 · Nov 2015
Untitled
grace Nov 2015
we're forced to live these lives we don't even enjoy
lives that we can't necessarily fix
drinking our pain away
being strangers with the ones we love
156 · May 2017
gone
grace May 2017
today you left
but you pushed me away a while ago
i go back to the night we met in my dreams
sittin' on your floor
lookin' into each other's eyes and smilin'
i replay that image in my head as if it meant somethin'
but what did it actually mean to you
we were just drunk
trippin' on shrooms
i could've easily loved you if you let me
the one night you opened up to me
my heart broke for you
you trusted me
and i kissed the tears off your cheeks
i cared about you more than myself
it still wasn't enough
you pushed me away
and only called me past 2 am
i told myself to stop tryin'
because you did
the night before you left
we talked in your empty room
i couldn't help but smile as you talked to me
you said if we were up later we could hang out
then you left without sayin' goodbye
120 · Jul 2021
my mind is plagued
grace Jul 2021
she seldom rests
or feels secure
i wish she could catch a break

i wish i could tell you what she goes through
but i don't know, you might think she's crazy
because i sometimes do

right now she's pushing you away
i wish i could make her believe "it's okay,
you don't have to go through this every day"
but she doesn't know any better
she just wants to breakdown

maybe i can just trick her
stop her before she spirals
figure out what she needs
and remind her "these thoughts aren't you,
they're a response learned from the things you've been through"
98 · Jun 2021
untitled
grace Jun 2021
TW: suicidal ideation

**** it all
don't wanna do this no more
everything makes me feel small
like i have no control
they'd care if i was gone
but they don't know what's going on
i'm trying to be strong
while they act like nothings wrong
i can't live like this anymore
yet i don't know what i want

but i know i don't want to be here

i can't escape it anymore
i've passed the point of no return
every time i drink or smoke
i feel my head and chest burn
thinking how my life isn't what i chose
you'd think by now i'd have learned
but unfortunately not
i continue to take wrong turns

it will probably get worse
until I'm forced to pretend
like i believe in myself
so i'm not at my end
it's my time to build
the life that i want
but i don't know how to get it
without working my *** off
65 · Dec 2014
Untitled
grace Dec 2014
your love for me changed like the colors of leaves in the fall
green to yellow
yellow to orange
orange to brown
slowly dying
until one day it was carried by the wind and fell softly to the ground
the cold came
and the rain
as the leaves became mush in the dirt

my love is an evergreen
the bristles do not fall
the trees do not wither
they stand strong
all year long

— The End —