i am afraid of fall and winter.
i am afraid of the dropping temperature.
the trees slowly withering.
i am afraid of the short days.
and the dark mornings.
i am afraid of reliving the memories we made in the fall.
and how we broke in the winter.
my heart goes cold like the weather.

I feel like if I don't write things down,
I will forget.
I will forget all of the foolish things I've smiled about.
All of the things I've talked about
and the things I've been told.
Everything I've cried about.
All of my high school memories.
What I've laughed about until my stomach hurt.
Things that I've learned.
Acquaintances.
How I fell in love.
Things that I've favored.
Books that I've read.
Pictures that I've taken.
Places that I've been to.
I'll even forget writing this poem.
I'm going to forget all of these things
and I won't even know that I'm forgetting.

It's quite sad how that connection always lasts.
It could be days, weeks, months.
But it's as if we start right where we left off.
Like an unfinished autobiography.
As soon as a word comes out of the other's mouth,
we can't help but smile at one another.
As if there wasn't a tragedy that went on between us.
It's been a week.
And I know it will be there the next time we see each other.
But I fear the day that the connection between us ceases to exist.

months have gone by
and you're still on my mind.
i've been doing a lot better
but i'm still not fine.

you're everywhere
and we can't even speak.
when i hear your voice
my stomach gets weak.

i can't avoid you forever,
but i'll definitely try.
why is it that i
can't look you in the eye?

i don't even know
if i want you back,
but i miss you a lot
that's a fact.

i miss your face
and i miss your smile.
it's sad i haven't seen it
in a while.

i can hardly breathe
when you're in the room.
i really want to
speak to you soon.

when you catch my eye
i turn the other direction.
are you trying
to get my attention?

i still feel hurt
out of the blue.
i can't help but wonder
if it hurts you too.

i still think about the day you left
i never knew a pain like that before
you said goodbye so easily
and visited as you pleased
and i opened the door to you
each time you knocked

this pain didn't go away
while i was sleeping
while i was laughing

i gave you all of me
and you took it gladly
just to use and dispose

you put me through agony

if you only knew how often I stay awake at night thinking of us
i think of memories so sweet
they make me feel warm inside
reminding me of how much i loved you
how much i loved the person you used to be
they bring a sad smile upon my lips
how long until i will stop thinking of you like this

i watched you change right before my eyes
it was the most painful thing to see
so gradual i barely noticed the difference at the time
but now i see it clearly

perfect is what you were
we took a wrong turn
is that what landed you here?
how am i still sane?
why didn't i change?
can you not see all that is wrong?
i we wish could rewind to the crossroad,
but even with faith it seems impossible

you will never be him again
we will not replay
repeat
but God, i wish we could
even if it meant breaking my heart again

you smiled at me
i could feel the tears coming
but i smiled back

today you left
but you pushed me away a while ago
i go back to the night we met in my dreams
sittin' on your floor
lookin' into each other's eyes and smilin'
i replay that image in my head as if it meant somethin'
but what did it actually mean to you
we were just drunk
trippin' on shrooms
i could've easily loved you if you let me
the one night you opened up to me
my heart broke for you
you trusted me
and i kissed the tears off your cheeks
i cared about you more than myself
it still wasn't enough
you pushed me away
and only called me past 2 am
i told myself to stop tryin'
because you did
the night before you left
we talked in your empty room
i couldn't help but smile as you talked to me
you said if we were up later we could hang out
then you left without sayin' goodbye

we're forced to live these lives we don't even enjoy
lives that we can't necessarily fix
drinking our pain away
being strangers with the ones we love

she seldom rests
or feels secure
i wish she could catch a break

i wish i could tell you what she goes through
but i don't know, you might think she's crazy
because i sometimes do

right now she's pushing you away
i wish i could make her believe "it's okay,
you don't have to go through this every day"
but she doesn't know any better
she just wants to breakdown

maybe i can just trick her
stop her before she spirals
figure out what she needs
and remind her "these thoughts aren't you,
they're a response learned from the things you've been through"

TW: suicidal ideation

**** it all
don't wanna do this no more
everything makes me feel small
like i have no control
they'd care if i was gone
but they don't know what's going on
i'm trying to be strong
while they act like nothings wrong
i can't live like this anymore
yet i don't know what i want

but i know i don't want to be here

i can't escape it anymore
i've passed the point of no return
every time i drink or smoke
i feel my head and chest burn
thinking how my life isn't what i chose
you'd think by now i'd have learned
but unfortunately not
i continue to take wrong turns

it will probably get worse
until I'm forced to pretend
like i believe in myself
so i'm not at my end
it's my time to build
the life that i want
but i don't know how to get it
without working my *** off