When people ask what depression is like
I'm not sure how to explain it

Its almost like a giant black cloud
only surrounding you
while everyone bathes in the sun

It's watching everyone breathe
while you're drowning silently.

Depression feels as though everything is dark
and the only light is the one at the end of the tunnel

It's a demon of my own kind
a demon you can’t fight off
this is not the type to be found
under the bed
or hiding in the closet
you find these demons
in your head
in you.

Depression
It rips you apart
Skin by
Skin
Bone by
Bone
Cell by
Cell
Life by
Life
Its the 3am thoughts
Mind.
Constantly thinking, hesitating, deciding, wondering.
Anytime sadness seeps my bones
An explosion of emptiness evokes me
alone
I am an enemy of my own
All alone
Darkness

Depression
Its a canvas of negative emotion
The smile engraved on my face
The black hole within me
Not that you care.
The bruises on your knees
The blood on your wrist
The tears in your eyes
The pain
The one last goodbye


Depression is overwhelming
Its dangerous
Its weakness
Its me
So please just take it away.

The hard part
Is knowing that
You either win or die trying
There is no way to get rid of the depression2
Without getting rid of me
Because i am depression
The depression is me
It took over

as i walk through ghost town
i wonder,
has anyone ever left?
or do you all stay to forever rest?
as i walk through ghost town
i cannot describe the invisible shadows
as i walk through ghost town
draw trails
of circles in my skin
just curl me up
and take me in
as i walk through ghost town
nobody seems to approach the ache
they need it to be fake
as i walk through ghost town
there are no ghost to see
but they are all unaware of the ghosts in me
as i walk through ghost town
i get ****** into the the dark alley
feelings comforted by darkness
fearing light
and fearing sights
as i would through ghost town
seeing eyes
that do nothing but judge
smiles that do nothing but mock
cackles that do nothing  but laugh
as i walk through ghost town
01/27/16

Give and take
In and out
With every breathe

They wanted me to be normal,
Happy and kind.
They never thought,
That this girl would be blind.

Not blind by the meaning,
But blind in the heart.
Blinded by darkness,
Blinded by dark.

She walks around lifeless,
Her heart beating but dead.
A walking corpse
she is lost inside her head.

Things have no meaning,
At least not anymore.
She is not who she was
Who she was once before

She is one of the living
But one of the dead
A walking corpse
She is lost inside her head

Loosening your grip
Open each hand
Slowly
Now, let go
Let it slip away
It’s gone.
Smother yourself with darkness
Isolate
Die.
Now take a deep breathe
Still dead

I am alive and dead
I wonder if i will ever feel again
I hear voices that aren't there
I see you laugh at me
I want to be okay
I am alive and dead

I pretend to be happy
I feel nothing
I touch you and i feel beautiful
I worry you’ll leave like everyone else
I cry to cope with the slow death that has begun to control me
I am alive and dead

I understand I’m worthless
I say I’m fine
I dream of monsters, and wake up to them
I try to make you happy
I hope you don’t cry when i’m gone
I am alive and dead.

I am alive and dead
I wonder if i will ever feel again
I hear voices that aren't there
I see you laugh at me
I want to be okay
I am alive and dead

I pretend to be happy
I feel nothing
I touch you and i feel beautiful
I worry you’ll leave like everyone else
I cry to cope with the slow death that has begun to control me
I am Alive and dead

I understand I’m worthless
I say I’m fine
I dream of monsters, and wake up to them
I try to make you happy
I hope you don’t cry when i’m gone
I am alive and dead.

Counting ashes as they fall
listening to your redundant calls.
Kings and Queens
princes and pharaohs
passing down the crown of hearts
as if it were a piece of art.
I'm next to receive the crown of love
it comes with matching royal gloves.


These magic gloves come with sorrow
but a new day will arrive tomorrow
i will love this crown forever
at least until i see my mother
As i watch my mom pass
I cry as the crown is passed to me.


As i look back to the day she left
I remember she told me
You can be the best
You could even swim across the sea.
No matter what you do
you need to be a role model
now you are royalty
and then she was gone.

I had to move on
that what she would have wanted
Now that i have kids
i tell them when i pass
you will get the crown of hearts
as if it were a piece of art
as each day goes by i tell them
You can be the best
You could even swim across the sea.
No matter what you do
you need to be a role model
because someday you will be royalty.
You’ll soon get the crown of love
that comes with the matching gloves.

I want you
but i fear
i will fail you.
i wanted to shield you
from my pain. i failed
i wanted to love you
without hurting you
I'm sorry for hurting you.

i cant get out
im stuck
in this cycle
over and over
again and again
sin after sin
tear after tear.
I make the same mistake
i cant learn
i let you go twice
im too stupid
to realize
that its my choice
that caused all this pain
well done right?
i've succeeded at ruining everything
and everyone i care about.

I am alone
Walking down an alley
Helpless, in search for a friendly face
I am surrounded by boundless emptiness
I see darkness
I hear silence
I feel death
Creeping up

If you have ever felt
The pain of air
Scratching its way up
To get to your dried up lungs
You know how alone feels
You hear the voices too
You are familiar with the 3 a.m.thoughts
The ones that rip you apart
Thought by thought
Scar by scar
Tear by tear
Cell by cell
Life
By
life

Is reality real?
Is this real?
Are you real?
What if this is heaven
And everything we’ve known to be true
Was never there
Was never real
Maybe that's why bones heal
And pain eventually goes away
Because it is heaven


Life is just a big question
Made up of an infinity amount of other questions
But what if this is hell
What if we’ve been punished for something we don't even know about
Maybe that's why bones break
And why pain always seems to find us
Is there a way out?
If we aren't real
And we die
Do we become real
Or do we become a memory nobody will really remember?
Everyone is only familiar with the life they live
And they worry about what is being said about who
But what if we took the time to help ourselves and help us
This unhinged world could be everything we’ve dreamed for
But then again
This could be the dream
This could be heaven
It could all be fake
For heaven’s sake
This could be hell.

See they say love hurts,
But with you?
Love was simple
It was you and me
Love was simple
Until it was your words on the blade
Until every move of yours
Tore me apart
We turned nothing into something
And right back to nothing we went
See but you say
I’m still here for you
But you’re moving around
Free and happy
I’m standing still
I'm stuck on the memories
I’m stuck on the thought of you
On what we used to be
You tell me once again
I’m here for you
But where the **** are you at 4 a.m.
When i’m lying on the bathroom floor
Gasping for air
Where the **** are you
When i’m throwing up
Because my body isnt enough
not enough for me not enough for others
Where the **** are you when the blade is kissing my skin
When i see you my entire body changes
And this sweatshirt is too hot
But you tell me my smile is pretty
So i can’t let you see what you don’t know
because all you know are scars
but thats not all to see
You tell me you’re proud i’m getting better
I’m getting better at hiding it.
Just like you’re getting better
At pretending i don’t exist
I guess i won the i love you more game

someone once told me to always
live for the little things in life
live for 5am sunrises and 5pm sunsets
where you'll see colors in the sky
that don't usually belong
live for road trips and bike rides
with music in your ears and
wind in your hair
live for the days when you're surrounded by
your favorite people
who make you realize
that the world is not
a cold harsh place
live for the little things
because sometimes that's all we have
because they will make you realize that this is what life is about,
this is what it means to be alive
so forgive and forget
you only get one chance
one chance to say i love you
one chance to jump
because in the end
we only regret those chances
that were invisible to the world
because someone once told me
to always live for the little things in life

Too many times
I’ve wrapped myself in promises
It was all ripped apart at the seams
And i know everyone is reaching desperately for someone else
But I am getting sick of being the only loose thread
I'm losing my heart
I'm losing my mind
I lost you
You are there and i am here
It should have been me
My heart can no longer stay at rest
Knowing a loved one is no longer at their best
Your pain
That i would gladly digest
I come forward to confess

The carelessness in your eyes
It rips me apart
It is a constant reminder of who you no longer are
Your eyes that were gentle and caring towards the world
Vanished,
As did your clarity,
Fogged, by the drink of sins.
Fogged, by the sins you endlessly drink
But now
I am holding you,
Loosely
So that you can breathe
And live
I am holding you,
Loosely
So that the space between us
Is the air that draws us closer
Like a moth to the flame
I am holding you,
Loosely
So that these arms
Form your wall
I am holding you,
Loosely
Because one cannot hold tight to the wind of angel
Loosely
Because our love is not the love held in hands
Our love cannot be possesses, only thought of
I am holding you,
No more.

My confusion troubles me
My wondering depresses me
My depression worries me

I can no longer think for myself
What i hate most
Besides me
Is drowing but watching
Everyone else breathe and live
Playing hide and seek; never being found
I have become depression
I’m now the one digging my grave

My head is just too overwhelmed
By thoughts i didnt even put there
Too sad to live
Too broken to move
I lay here
To strong to die
Struggling and barely getting by

My mind is consumed in darkness
My confusion troubles me
My wondering depresses me
My depression worries me
As i lay here
Dead
Still breathing.

Never fall in love with a poet
for our worlds are often chaotic
and our words are sometimes lies
words on a occasion used as shields
on occasion a disguise.

Our words will take you on a journey
on which we bare our souls
but every word we choose
for the story being told
lies a little piece of heaven
and a little piece of hell

Tormented souls we poets are
too true to hearts
too blind to kind eyes
too malleable to the touch of these words themselves

Never fall in love with a poet
unless youre prepared to share the pain
unless youre ready to lie awake holding us through the darkest nights
time again and over.
7/24/17

The sun does me not good today
Just as it did me no good the day before
As it glistens
On the crumpled beer cans

And bleaches the pavements,
Exposing
Every hairline crack

It shows no mercy;
Shining its torch
On the busy street corner

Everything looked better
In the rain

But as i hear
The man
Singing his song

And watch the puppy
Sunbathe
In the park

I know that i am,
Alone
In my ingratitude

And the sun will keep shining
The sun will keep setting
And keep rising
Yes it will keep to

With or without me
And with or without you

it begins as an observation captured in a shutter
A single second
within you, within the moment, within the world
Approach things at an angle
As you would with a camera
flooding your work
with a unique perspective
with a meaning
Stamp yourself to it
Claim it as your love
the worst feeling is when
your perfect moment slips away
nothing to remember

As your words fall off the line
Dissolved by time
You lay there
In pieces
Just like your work
but then with every year you lay your poetry out
you find what it truly means to you
You will step back to find your story
and your story only
So with that being said
if poetry should ever be photography - then -
it would be the photography of your soul.

it begins as an observation captured in a shutter
A single second
within you, within the world, within the moment.

Approach things at an angle
As you would with a camera
You flood your work with perspective and meaning, with love and hope
Stamp yourself to it
Claim it as your love

However sometimes you find yourself
At the top of the hill
The edge of the cliff
The perfect second
You click and its gone
No film, no perfect moment captured
It will never be the same
As your words fall off the line
Dissolved by time
You lay there
In pieces
Just like your work

Then with every year you lay your poetry
Alongside a wall, a table, anything
You will step back to find your story

So with that being said
if poetry should ever be photography - then -
it would be the photography of your soul.

The walls are getting closer,
I don’t know how to feel
You’re the shoulder i cry on
But you’re the force enclosing me.
I’m not sure why i hold on,
I closed the door
But you clawed your way through the brick walls
You give me reason after reason to leave
Yet here i stand
In front of you
Emotionally naked
Bare.
You stare at me, as i stare at you
You look like what we used to be
So here i stand
Arms wide open
While you move on.

I toss this
Past my eyes of death
Eyes, seen too much

I want to feel again
I want the fast heart beat
The sweaty palms
The shaky legs
I want to be familiar
With the feeling of blood,
Pumping through my veins
I want the near death cliché
The thought of losing everything
To mourn my love, feel the ache
Feed the ache
Instead, all i know is the jealousy
That you are able to sleep forever
Knowing you’re missed
I want to feel again
See the light in the dark
Feeling my heart
Restart.
I want to feel happy
I want to feel sad
I want to feel angry
I want to feel calm
I want to feel.

We existed in a
seperate world
where love was met
but only at the touch
of a finger tip
where the time
only lasted
in the moments
we lived it
and although we were
together.
our love was that
of our worlds
seperate.

I feel that the shining sun
and the splashing rain
and the howling wind
that storm our earth
in a haze of destruction
they are favored
favored over the still sky
and the quiet moon
and the iridescent stars
And they are favored because they are touchable
And we can know them
know their force
know their name
know their meaning
without having to wonder for too long.


over the infinity that lies in all directions;
the slow stillness of a vacuum all around
that holds the planets in a timeless rotation around one another.
And what makes me happy is that I am able to appreciate the marvels of the universe that we have made our own

we're standing still
face to face
tears are falling
and you're only aware of the rain
and that's okay
because while you can dance in the puddles
invinsible
i'm still standing still
soaking wet

you say you love the storm
but please
love me more.

it's a canvas of negative emotion
the smile engraved on my face
the black hole within me
i dont want it anymore
so please
take it away
but i don't know how
to say goodbye
to this feeling
without saying goodbye
to life
you either win
or die trying
im afraid to lose
but even more afraid to win

When people ask what depression is like
I'm not sure how to explain it

Depression is like a giant black cloud
only surrounding you
while everyone else laughs and plays in the sunshine

It's watching everyone breathe freely
while you're drowning silently.

Depression feels as though everything is dark
and there is no light to be found
except when people shine light on you
And want you to give them something in return
But you don’t have anything left to give

Depression is a demon you can’t fight off
it's hiding under your bed
in your closet
in your nightmares.
Only you don’t wake up from the nightmare
You wake up to it.

Depression is not something you want,
But it’s something you can try to get through.
You have to have a little darkness for the stars to shine.
At some point or another
You have to realize
Depression is not a sign of weakness
It means you have been strong for too long
It means you have to realize some people
Belong in your heart, but not your life.

The brightest smiles hide the deepest secrets
The prettiest eyes have cried the most tears
The kindest hearts have felt the most pain.

I said just one time
thats what everyone always says
the first cut is the deepest
but the second and third and tenth
leave the biggest scars.