I can remember just fine,
All those things that I hold dear.
What I cherish, what I yearn for,
What I imagine
Spins and swirls in my mind,
Like glitter falling in fragile snowglobe.
But it falls.
It falls until you pick it up again
And you shake it,
And it's wonderful.

I can remember all my dreams,
I want so badly to watch them live
And spin and swirl all around.
But,
What if they're stuck?
Stuck inside that glass globe,
And all they do is spin and swirl
And fall.

I walk around from place to place
and I see beauty
and I **** my head
and I think

and I go back home
and I find my mirror
and I touch my face
and I fix my hair
and I fix my stance
and I straighten my skirt

and I think I need new
and I spend my quarters
and I hope new things make me

shiny

and I hope you like shiny.

Half-moons turn to full as my eyes flutter open
The white hot light is disorienting.
My fingernails are the first thing I notice
They’re clean.
Clean has been distant for months.
My hair is combed and cut
And I’m all wrapped up in ivory.

But they forgot to bandage my memory.
It’s still oozing and crusted with sickening pain.
And I can remember their cries and angelic faces still.
And then they turned empty,
Like those grown-ups who used to putter around on Mondays.
At least they’ve got hunger for life now.
And as these trailing thoughts leave my mind,
I remember that I’m not alone.
Not all was lost after that apocalyptic crisis,
Where all I’ve ever known turned to a rotting, dead end.

His face will be forever embedded in my mind.
He and I made it out.
We were plucked out of the ground like two white roses in a field of weeds.
Saved like two animals for Noah’s Ark.

We, are all that’s left of origin,
All that’s left of our kind.

So before it was too late,
They rescued our scorned skins.
And we flew up into that blue sky,
And we just left them there.
We left that fair skinned freckled boy,
That lanky knobby kneed kid,
And that dark haired round eyed little girl,
We left everyone that ever was.

God.

I wish there was.
He’d breathe us in and never let go.
Never let those demons touch us.
Never let them sink their rotted teeth into her tiny neck.
Those *******.
Limping around seeking blood,
Looking for lives to demolish.

If you’re reading this now
I hope you’re not running from rotted versions of your friends,
I hope you’re sitting at home on your plush pillowed sofas
Puttering around on Mondays.

I am a useless being,
Really.
It's grim to think,
I know.
Because I'm just living to die
In this vessel that wills
But will eventually tucker out,
And then what matters?
Certainly I don't.
Not in this vast universe
That doesn't care
If you're in love or all alone,
If you've got a nice house
In the wasteland of suburbia
Or if you waste every ounce of yourself
Because you know,
You're just going to die anyways.
And anyways what's a life wasted exactly
If we can't even figure out what the meaning is?

“It’s going to be a golden day”,
You’d say before you left
Every morning, I’d mourn for your return.
A golden, golden, golden day
Turns to night.
You’d get on that big metal bird,
And soar so high.
I’d look way up to that big blue sky
And I’d wave goodbye
At every passing bird
At every passing star
I’d wish and pray for you,
Until my knuckles turned white
I’d lie in my bed and pull my covers so tight
Over my head in my own cocoon
Where morning seemed so far away
When the sun would rise and everything was golden again.
A golden, golden, golden day
Ready to begin
A new day where
Maybe
You were safe and near
And Mom wouldn’t shed a single tear.
Arms warm and wide,
And I’d find myself nestled inside
Where there was no danger and there was no fear.
Now that I am older, I look out into that big empty sky
That covers all the places you’ve been,
It’s scary and wide, not golden like you said,
And as my world is zooming by
Like that big metal bird in the sky,
I wonder how you live each day with a smile
Across your face, I look for comfort,
And I see
Golden, golden, golden.

When I get grey
Sight and sound will be distant
But perhaps this is for the best.
Maybe I can blink away the dust,
Wipe away the dirt and grime,
Rid of the disgust and hurtful things
And in it's place
I'll dream a field of tulips.

Beads of water, like strings of pearls postponed in movement on my skin
Reflect light.
I watch, each new droplet hesitantly release and descend from my tangled hair.
The wet locks seem like lux drapery, framing my face.
I sit, encrusted in this simple beauty,
Unable to move. I too am a pearl, set in place.
Perfect to You perhaps
Polished and made pure by Your divine creation,
I place a hand to my head, busy with thoughts of confusion.

Torn between You and you.
I know I am loved,
Whether I'm polished or scuffed.

I started a grain of sand with You,
And a pearl with you.
I have become that pearl through You
And I have grown beyond through you.

I love You,
And I am in love with you.

you cut me loose from my strand and scuffed my skin.
You lifted my chin and absolved all sin.
you dried me and swept back the drapes,
Had me and held me.
You hold me in the palm of Your hand and marvel at Your creation.
You are my strand.

But you,
you are my freedom.

It’s coming to a close,
A chapter I’ve revisited from beginning to end,
In my mind all the moments
Like white sheets of paper in freefall
No longer bound in a book.
I can’t catch them.
Nor I contain them.
They fly like swallows
They fall like snow.
Some, shine more brightly before others,
Lights aloft in a dark velvet sky.
You and I
Look up from below
At those crystal moments.
See, there now.
See, thereafter,
When you’re miles away,
In a brand new place,
When we start a new chapter.

Rip me from my home,
Drag me along the asphalt
I’m begging you,
God, please.
Take me away.
Batter me and tear up my insides
Give me wounds
That heal to be scars,
I won’t say one single word
I swear it, I won’t.
Then throw me from your arms,
So I land in the sea,
Far out of reach,
Please.
And chain a wrecking ball to my feet
So I sink.
Because the bottom has become familiar
And it’s dark so I can’t see,
All of these things
That are killing me.

An arid thin breeze whips my back.
The dirt beneath my feet is brittle and cracked.
With each step dust envelops my toes and fills the grooves in my skin.
My face greets the promise of rain
It is heavy and cool.
Small drops begin to suppress the dust creased on my forehead.
Soon, I am overwhelmed in the silent symphony,
Small crystal gems scatter all around,
I think I like this change.
I think I like the rain.

Diamonds fall from my eyes every now and again.

They shatter in my palms
And leave trails of black soot.

We as humans have the burden
Of choice
To love
To hate
To each their own
Voice
Shallow and shaky
Or crisp and LOUD.
Who cares if you're heard anyway?
If people have choice
Who say's they' ll
******* listen.

If only for once,
You would take off your armor.

You'd shine so brightly.

I'm spending money on things I hate.
Meanwhile I change from day to day.
And I can't quite figure it out.
Wasting time,
Learning things that I,
Don't think about when I think.

I just want to climb into the sky,
And go away with the stars.
Go somewhere where I can
Live
Far away from all those streets and lights
Where it's actually dark at night.

Opportunity arrived that day,
Always one for opportunity, your gears began to turn.
But it arrived as swiftly as I took it away.

Your brow became furled, your eyes grew dim.
I refused your plea, your curiosity to within.

I play it safe, I keep myself chained.
I’m not spontaneous,
And to you I'm tame.

I look past and ahead,
I'm optimistic.
“But optimism is no match for reason” you said.
This love is logical and right
and “you’re my best friend”

But my dear best friend,
I have to ask,
Why is it that through all this struggle,
Through all this wonder and love
You only see the end?

I’m deafening myself from the inside
Running crop circles into my mind.
The same thoughts over, over, over and over
Banging on the door
Scraping away
At that door .
I’ve tried to keep it locked
And I’ve tried to keep those thoughts in their place.
But they scream and yell.
They crack and stomp.
They pound and break
Into my dreams and my chest.
They burn in my chest
And they
Rip
And they
Tear
And they
Scare me.
And I’m left bare.
All because they got out.

When you can trade a smile for a smile,
And it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

It'll  catch me someday,
It'll take me by the hand,
Lead me onward on a strand of stars,
That overlook my past.

It'll have to run to get me
Because I'll be living free.
But when I tire and putter out of steam,
I'll leave my flesh and bones,
That's for the ground to keep.

I'll let the light from my eyes shine away
And the breath from my lungs fade

Because I want to see it
I want to find it.

And I don't know if it's real,
A place where I'll be,
After all is gone and lost
For miles to see.

But if I finally make it
I hope that you're all there
With your arms wide and waiting.
The most beautiful thing I'll ever see.

And if not for tomorrow,
At least I have today.