I needed to feel her next to me..The pumping of those warm veins and the beating of her exhausted heart. I felt this emptiness, this unsettling chaos in the cracks and holes of my being..It sat ever so restlessly on the brink of death and insanity, whispering taunting words into the tired positive side of my mind causing each piece of my heart to break further and further, deeper and deeper into insanity. I wasn't so sure of how much longer I could sit here with a synthetic smile on this bruised, rough face, just waiting for someone else to find me and rip me from the fists of insanity and put me back together again, someone who could resemble strength in every sense of the word and would know every aspect of the worth in my being..In my mind, I had told myself so many times that none could ever love me the way she had portrayed, the way she had done..and eventually my gullable heart began to believe it. There wasn't anyone else, how could there be when we are destined to only one true love? With each kiss and intricate touch, I felt this shock of aliveness and beauty, a feeling I never wished to forget, never dreamed to have lost..Somehow I found myself in that same cold, dark room wondering where she had went, wondering how could I have lived like this so long..keeping it comfortable not letting all of her in...I gave up so much for a love so strong, but I pushed her away and she began to wear thin. I broke her heart for what broke mine, not purposely, but in a way that not even my mind or heart was realizing...For all it was worth, I entrusted this broken heart to her, hoping she'd know exactly the remedy needed to mend what's been torn apart..and she did. Oh, honey believe me..she did. SHE was the remedy and I was the patient..When she left, she was my demise and I was her mourn.
When she gave up, when she walked away not daring to look back, she was afraid I'd see the tears in her eyes and grow weaker to the sound of her footsteps on the cold hard ground, gradually fading into the rain and fog. It broke my heart to watch her leave, she didn't want to, but it was for the best...and each night she tells me.."I'll see you again someday, my love..maybe not tomorrow, or today..but someday." and in that moment my heart cries, for a love that died..and I will never be the same.
Until she's home in these weakened arms, strengthening every aspect and complexity of my being, I will forever be naked, stripped of all sense and feeling...Until the day my love returns, I will stay home and wait for her.

I wanted to feel her next to me.
The touch of her skin and the rhythm of her breathing. It used to keep me alive, but I've learned to live without it. Fall came, the wind blew and the leaves fell..and with them my heart fell too. Perhaps, maybe a little too hard. She had that perfect demeanor, a special sense of love that no other whole heart could recognize but my very own broken mess. It knocked upon the door to my heart and rang loud and strongly throughout the complexity of my being. I, hesitantly poured myself out for her. I knew she barely noticed. Oh, but babe, I noticed her and every perfect insecurity, and everything that made me hit my knees in awe, in wonder. My eyes rested ever so sweetly on her perfect smile, on that glisten in her eyes, searching for that spark that brought me gently to life. I sat quietly beside her not to interrupt the sound of heaven ringing from her lips as she sang sweetly the lyrics that escaped from the speakers in the doors of the quiet car. I'd compliment her voice, and she'd laugh and shake it off. Everything she hated so much about herself, I so dearly loved...And I ached to show her just how every little thing that she despised in herself grabbed onto my heart, making me stumble and fall upon my knees in astonishment at her precious existence. At her beautiful being. Of course she looked at my tattered, torn heart and noticed that major pieces and strength was missing, wondering how I had been so strong. It was she who kept me on my feet. Not once did she wonder, not once did she guess that I would ever entrust this broken, worn heart to her to help me fix..Even if it meant just patches and stitches. And of course, I looked at her heart, and saw just the same. She had pieces missing and crumbled bits that fell to the floor of her soul.. And this..this is where my journey, my mission began. I searched for her aching heart and soon, with a long journey found it. I arrived near her heart to mend what was broken. Of all the things I ever wanted in life, to fix the brokenness inside this soul had been my desire. Even if my actions went unnoticed, the thought of her happiness in the back of my mind gave me a soft, sweet voice of comfort that reminds me, this love..this love is not worthless. With her, I feel this gentle touch of freedom, the soft whisper of love and a taste of pure acceptance. For days now, her lips and heart and the image in her eyes had been my destination. While fixing her heart, not finding all of the pieces that had gone missing, I'm using what's left of my own to replace the old so she won't have to remain sweetly broken. I will be broken still, from the pieces I've taken from my own but if it means fixing a love that has lost it's sincere touch, then content in my mess, this brokenness, I'll know with absolute certainty she was worth it.

She'll ALWAYS be worth it.

The rush of her skin and the rhythm of her breathing endlessly played in my head, relentlessly reminding me of the nervousness but perfection of that first night. The thought of her smile and the sympathetic tone of her voice sweetly synchronized with each rise and fall of my chest above the exhausted breaths I had taken.
The smell of her skin on that first night and the beautiful memory of her warm touch against the complexity of my aliveness left me cold and broken inside. Tears fall, but yet it still lingers on.
I could never forget how the sweet touch of her kiss awakened my lungs to a breath of life again, and I never wish to forget the sound of her warm, soft voice with tears in her eyes telling my deadened heart to beat again..And I laugh at myself as the tears roll down, listening to the shattering sound of the breaking in my heart. Knowing that I'd lost the chance to ever have a heart like hers, to have such a headstrong soldier fight for a soul so broken like mine again had me weak in the heart and my veins grew colder with each simple thought of it. I couldn't muster up the strength to find a simple smile to cover up the mess that had been made here, for I had loved a love I couldn't let to of. Each night I fall sleep with her beautiful, taunting memory on my ever so restless mind and all that lies within it. I awaken in an empty, cold bed as the blackened tears stain my face. My body remained still as my weakened arm outstretched to the edge of the bed searching for the warmth of her skin and the smell of her cologne on the pillows and sheets..I awaken only to find myself alone beneath the blankets in which we once exchanged body heat and the smiles that had finally become real, wishing her absence had been just a terrible dream.

My heart violently turns at the thought of always missing her, and yet I still need her..it's as simple yet complicated as that.
I'm sweetly broken, oh but babe...she was worth it. There isn't a time that I recall where she hadn't been worth it.

Every person has intricate details that they never notice. You don't stare at yourself or watch yourself talk all the time. You don't realize the way it looks when you bite your lip, and look at the ground for hesitation. You don't see your cheeks get red after you get embarrassed by something. You don't see your outward appearance of yourself. You only see the photographs, videos, and mirror images.  We can't see ourselves out of a set of eyes. And our eyes hold much more than a camera or mirror does. Our eyes are connected to our souls. And with that you see things beautifully. It takes someone to truly love you to not only notices those habits and quirks daily. But can look straight into your eyes and know what you're feeling. For you cannot see when I look at you.  You never will be able to. And even though there are so many people out there that see you and notice you, no one looks
at you the way I do. I see you with my heart, not my eyes. And what I see when I look at you, is pure beauty. The inner parts of you that no one else can see... Those are my favorite things. Your body is like a map, and each time I will reach your lips, it's the destination I've been looking for while I travel across your crevices of your perfect silhouette, and I always find my way back to my destination, where our souls meet through our lips. When we will kiss, your spirit travels in through my veins and knocks in my heart all at once, and opens right up for you. Your spirit grabs a hold of my heart and whispers sweet and loving thoughts straight into my veins, which gives my blood warmth, and it seeps throughout my whole body. Giving me complete comfort and leaving me speechless. My stomach starts turning over and over of excitement if you even say my name, or look at me. I know you
said you need some time. & I respect that. But I think you know, that I know, that I'm ready. All I want is you.

The wetness of the clouds and the coldness of the air became a beautiful distraction. The loneliness echoed while my heart poured out for you.

I'm sweetly broken, torn between two ideas of what I deserve.
It's harder not to let you right back in, and I don't want to feel a thing anymore. The rhythm of the beats that pump through these blue and purple confused veins, not sure what to let my heart feel, they bust and break at the sharp sound of the words you say. My heart, it cracks, the gentle strokes of my flesh against the walls of my soul cause this flinch of hatred, for the years you've given me a reason to quit, you made me quite apathetic. And babe, there ain't nothing poetic about that. Please, won't you push me for the last time.

Two weeks,
July heat, The fan was blowing on her face. Her eyes were shining, Her smile drew me in. That kiss, Oh, that kiss. I went back into a time of forgotten fears, A time where life stood still, Where reality did not exist. One day, Windows down, Driving through cities and small towns. Her hand slipped gently into mine. Her hands were so fragile. She easily would take my breath away, Taking away every fear as if it was nothing but a terrible dream.  Her smile, Oh, that smile. Nothing could ever compare to her, Nothing could ever make me feel so complete. One moment, One of little worries. The bed was unmade, Stuffed toys by my pillow, Dust collecting on figurines from other worlds.  That kiss, Oh, that kiss.  One could not believe it could be their last. Not with such little time gone by, Not with the love in our hearts that nearly began. As I walk down the stairs, I pause to take one last look. The look in her eyes, Oh, her beautiful eyes, I was not worried, I was not scared, But I did not realize, I was leaving a life that I would do anything to keep her by my side. As I walk to the terminal, Cold chills run throughout my spine. A tear rolls down my face. I pick up my phone and smile. I hear her voice, Oh, her sweet voice, It echoed in my mind as I flew across the lands. I felt calm, I felt okay. I believed we could live a life everyone dreams of.  It was just a matter of time before only I could live that life, A life of those dreams, A life of loneliness.  I dreamed of a life that I believed would last, I love a love that I will never be able to let go of. I will love her forever, Oh, I will love her always, But she will never love me the way she once did. The way she would look at me, The way her heart would beat, And all the endless nights of nothing but those hazel eyes staring into mine. They were all moments in time, Realities we could no longer face. The times have come and gone, But I still can’t stop living in the life with the one I loved…. -Patience is to hold back the pain and keep what drives you closer, a step backwards because nothing worth having comes easy.
Morgan, I will never forget you and the love you gave me. You mean everything to me. No matter how much pain I have to go through, I will wait for you. I just hope you will come back into my life. When you do, my heart will be open. Open for you, and only you. Even though you're cold as stone to this day, No one will ever compare to you, no one could love me the way you would, the way you did. You'll be normal again, you'll be fixed again, oh how I hope you love again. I love you. I love you with all I have.
Forever and always, -Grace

Scrolling through tumblr and twitter, realizing just how emotionally ****** up this world is. It breaks me how many kids are locking themselves in their bedrooms crying and cutting and popping pills while their family sits idle in another room having no clue, no care as to what's going on in there, I just don't understand,..I don't understand how a parent could be so unconcerned for their child who can't even stand on their own emotionally anymore, and why they're so ****** as to send them to counseling instead of helping them themselves. If they're crying out to you, you help. Don't send them off to some place they don't wish to travel. They want you, that cry for help was for you. I just don't understand...but then again, I don't understand a lot of things, but this one is one of the hardest to comprehend. I'll never be able to wrap my mind around the thought of someone allowing such an addiction, such a fight, such a suffer to continue as long as most battles carry out...but that's just me.

"She came to give my stuff back. My computer, clothes, guitar, and gun. I broke up with her a couple weeks ago. I was tired of being strung along and played with. But she doesn't have time for me so I have to forgive and forget. Oh but *** she used to be perfect. Everything. The twinkle in her eyes and how they lit up when she saw me.. I couldn't continue to pour myself out for her when she couldn't accept it. We had a deal, it was either 110%, or nothing. And I was getting about 2% of effort from her since she started her career in February. I know I didn't waste the 3 years I was with her though, it taught me so much.. We've been through so much together. I try to be strong, but sometimes its hard especially when she came today.. Her heart is hard. But thinking about those perfect memories, and the smell of her hair, the taste of her skin, the way she held me and the rhythm of her breathing.. Its all a thing of the past. Like I don't really want to go into detail, but someday. Ugh! But tomorrow is a new day."

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s *******. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.