I'm still alive after 401 days. didn't think i would make it past 10. this started as a fun thing. it's become a coping mechanism. a reason to live, a way to function. it wasn't the support that i did or didn't get. it was me. i think this is the first time i actually wanted something, and finished it, even though i didn't have the energy. because i wanted to, unconciously. it just hit me. i'm glad i'm here for some reason. i have an emotional connection with these notes. they've been here the roughest year of my life. without knowing. so this time, no thanks to other people, but to me. i'm here, i did it. i'm proud of myself. i can't say that with certainty yet, but i just hope i can, a bit more, every day. soon.

This Is How I Dissapear - MCR

Go
To un-explain the unforgivable
Drain all the blood and give the kids a show
By streetlight this dark night
A séance down below
There're things that I have done
You never should ever know
And without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now
And without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now
Who walks among the famous living dead
Drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed
And if you could talk to me
Tell me if it's so
That all the good girls go to heaven
Well, heaven knows
That without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now
And without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now
Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out
I'm really not so with you anymore
I'm just a ghost
So I can't hurt you anymore
So I can't hurt you anymore
And now, you wanna see how far down I can sink?
Let me go, ****
So, you can, well now so, you can
I'm so far away from you
Well now so, you can
And without you is how I disappear
And without you is how I disappear
Whoa whoa (and without you is how I disappear)
Whoa whoa (and without you, is how, is how, is how)
Forever, forever now

I can't seem to focus.
I fall asleep with my eyes wide open.
I can't see it happening now, but I just keep hoping
That tomorrow will be a better day

Dear G,
It's becomming harder and harder to express my feelings, especially about/to you. I hope that the poems I recently posted are enough. Enough for just one sign. Nothing even has to happen. I don't even know what I want to know or hear. God, I'm really ******* helpless. I'm sorry. You deserve a good letter, from a normal person. One that has a poper end. I'm a mess, I'm sorry.
Sincerely, yours
Lillie

Your eyes shine like the early evening stars,
And your lips are shaped perfectly like the pink clouds.
You skin is full of wounds and scars.
I don't think I'm the only one who knows their whereabouts.
No words will describe your "beauty"
As I see it through my eyes.
I thought love was never-lasting
But eternal words exist, a poem never dies.
The early sun hits you sour,
Like the walking hours dew.
Even though you were prettier than the flower,
Still, the ravens flew.

i miss you
                     ...
                            although you weren't really mine

You have all the right to not believe me,
It really wasn't your fault baby.
But I know that I want to keep you in my life.
Who knows what the future will bring, maybe?

I'm sorry guys,
My internet failed hellopoetry
I'll post the missing notes today

just my type
you're just my type
but i was never yours

everything i wanted - Billie Eilish

I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
Not what you'd think
And if I'm being honest
It might've been a nightmare
To anyone who might care
Thought I could fly (fly)
So I stepped off the golden, mm
Nobody cried (cried, cried, cried, cried)
Nobody even noticed
I saw them standing right there
Kinda thought they might care (might care, might care)
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me
And you say, "As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change
The way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you're here
They don't deserve you"
I tried to scream
But my head was underwater
They called me weak
Like I'm not just somebody's daughter
It could've been a nightmare
But it felt like they were right there
And it feels like yesterday was a year ago
But I don't wanna let anybody know
'Cause everybody wants something from me now
And I don't wanna let 'em down
I had a dream
I got everything I wanted
But when I wake up, I see
You with me
And you say, "As long as I'm here
No one can hurt you
Don't wanna lie here
But you can learn to
If I could change
The way that you see yourself
You wouldn't wonder why you're here
They don't deserve you"
If I knew it all then would I do it again?
Would I do it again?
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head
What would they say instead?
If I knew it all then would I do it again?
Would I do it again?
If they knew what they said would go straight to my head
What would they say instead?

Everybody's complaining about lockdown
But my feelings were already on lockdown long ago
And now they're on stand-by

they say writing helps you cope and forget.
this is my 600th poem on here,
but i still remember every single one.

i'm collapsing
but it's nothing new

I find myself in a new place every day
But I'm always lost

I'm lost again,
And I can't find the rights words.
I'm speechless
again

I love you
I'm sorry

There wasn't even a dimmed light shining on your face through the curtains.
Yet, you looked more beautiful than all the poems I read like this combined.

what if i texted you

"how are you"

or something along those lines.

No, i'm sorry's or indirect poems.

would you read it?

would you respond?

would you actually care?
care in the way you used to?

i know you don't like all the poems i write about you. you do always give the rest a like. it makes me happy, but it destroys me more than heals.

I love you, i guess. but who cares?

I'm meeting an internet friend tomorrow,
And I'm very happy. My parents just aren't.

I always feel bad
So I'm fine

I wish I could be with you
but I don't really want to

A poem every day
Doesn't sound too good
But it's been here for me
And I needed it more than
I need you nowadays

Doesn't sound too pretty

the               takes
       wind               feelings
                                              but       ­                                                  m e
                                                      i        ­       it                 take
                                                           wish        would

I'm putting my feelings on lockdown
because I wanna last a little while longer

The loneliness lever left me, I always carried it with me, But I can put it down in the pleasure of my company

- Florence Welsh

I'm bored
                  and lost

you were supposed to be my safe haven
but you were the wave that hit

i'm tired

                   too tired to say anything about it


so i guess i love you
and i guess i'm fine

I like to think of myself as a ghost.
It makes me feel less alone.

Not sure if I'm gonna make it to 365
Always hoped I would

the ocean is beautiful
~~
sounds like a nice place to drown,
it's different than inside my head

Skipping a day tomorrow, because of february 29th..
Almost there guys

There's nothing poetic about the words

I love you

Anymore.
If there ever was.

i just cried for the 90th time this year, which equals about 1.5 times a day for every day of 2020
i can't do this. i just ******* can't. i say it's depression, and my motivation but it's the fact that i keep denying and keep trying. i keep saying that i'm not gonna fail, and then try everything again, but i am gonna fail. i am going to fail, that's just what's gonna happen. i have no other choice. and ****. ****, it's gonna get even worse. i'm gonna fail and i'm gonna be even less happy. i can't ******* handle this **** now, i definetly will not then. i don't need ******* motivation or pep talks. i don't need pity or "it will get better, i'm here for you." i just don't wanna go down on my own, but that is what's going to happen. i'm not gonna make the end of the school year like this. it's only gonna get worse, i know that. i either have to re-do the grade, which is the worst ******* thing that can happen. the only reason i'm still here is the people i'm with now and if i lose them too there's nothing left. or, i make it, and my mental state is just gonna get worse.but there's literally nothing i can think of that will make me feel better right now except for time so that means i'm alright

i feel a little tired
the tired is there all the time

mr. tired likes to stomp around my head
at ungodly hours of the night

when you're awake or wide asleep
he's the cause of our despair

he doesn't ever play by rules
but he's always, always there

then i'm still tired all the time
and it's so ******* unfair

it's not that i can't find inspiration if i wanted to
i'm just too physically tired to do so