Shouldn't have worn that ****** blue dress -
I was asking for it.
and no,
I don't mean it in that way.

I was asking for someone to see me
the way I want people to see me;
but what a flawed idea that was.
How can I ask that of others
when I do not even know
who I am?

I shouldn't have stayed outside until 3 a.m. -
I was asking for it.

I practically begged for someone to save me,
"show me your armor,
look at me,
such a damsel in distress,
reading isn't a good escape,
so won't you rescue me,
baby?"

And This Is What I Got:

your eyes
(I couldn't look away)
your smile
(still staring)
your touch
(I began to doze off)


This Is What I Did Not Get:
your number
(the first sign)
your love
(I am such a fool)

This Is What I Saw:
the prettier version of me
+
you,
in a picture,
all smiles,
two
days
later.

This Is What I Learned:
do not wear your favorite dress
outside while reading a book
in the early hours of the morning
unless you want to learn
the hard way
that sometimes,
being caught
hurts worse
than falling.

Sometimes I wonder
If I ever truly felt anything for you,
or if I was just looking for something
to write about

Or maybe
I was looking for something
to dull the pain
that loneliness brings

Ever lonely
ever lonely
searching for
my one and only
and everybody
in between;
a foreigner
to care and love
and a veteran
of empty spaces,
seeking isolation
because it is all
I've ever known
I walk the crowded streets
with my head low
I walk the crowded streets
alone
and would I rather
be a writer
known for my pain,
or a liar
with a boldly
beating heart?

There was a time, a wonderful time

when I was yours and you were mine

but years have passed

and i ruined everything for myself



Of course you found another girl

who was smart and kept her entire world

instead of tossing it aside

like I wish I never did



Now here I am

reading another dumb love story

and it's not even about you

but it's suddenly about you;

I can't believe I still need you



I can't say that I've never been loved

because at one point I truly was

you never got to tell me

but I saw it in your eyes



It's been way too long

and I keep moving on

but then I see your face

and it all comes flooding back



So here I am

watching another dumb love story

and it's not even about you

but suddenly it's about you;

I can't believe I still need you



Maybe there's something wrong with me

maybe I just need the memories

to comfort me

because I have nobody

ever since I left you



Now here I am again

missing that stupid love story

that wasn't even about you

but it was always about you;

I can't believe I still need you

"Don't make me beg.
Don't go back,
don't go cold,
somewhere in
the dark."

She slowly
rises to her feet,
wonders how
she will learn
to leave, how
not
to go back.

Through her eyes,
the fire stops:
her heart begins
to die.

"Don't leave."

She pictures it:
No kisses.
Alone
In the wind.

"Don't."

She walks.

I remember August, four years ago;
Trembling hands, climbed the stairs, found my place.
They said time would fly, but I didn’t know
We were all on a rocket ship in space,
Winking at light as we passed it, waving
To past selves before we realized they were
Past selves, suddenly older and craving
Freedom, wanting to leave but quite unsure
Of what occurs outside of our bubble;
We grew up in this kingdom, unaware
That we would have to turn it to rubble
One day, goodbye friends, are your hearts breaking?
Now the future is yours for the taking.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
That’s what you told me, voice strained, quivering,
as we made our way to the edge of the proverbial
cliff, as the needle began to break the skin
covering our love, as the overwhelmingly dark
cloud began to cover our sun, as I began to
recall every second every moment everything.
My mother would have told me the same -
I know that’s why you said it. But, my darling,
you’ve never been a very good liar.

she is smoke
drifting, she is always drifting;
you say breathing her in hurts
but still, you inhale deeply

drifting, she is always drifting;
She disappears before you can say her name
but still, you inhale deeply
because you love her

she disappears before you can say her name
but she’ll be back again someday
because you love her
because you both can’t stay away

but she’ll be back again someday
because smoke loves the flame
because you both can’t stay away
and you love the ash in your lungs

because smoke loves the flame
you say breathing her in hurts
and you love the ash in your lungs;
she is smoke

It’s like you are stuck in winter, hiding
Away, trying to escape the late nights
That threaten to pull you under, guiding
Yourself deeper into an abyss; lights
Cannot guide you home when your eyes are closed
And I know you don’t want a saving grace,
But you cannot control who loves you, no,
I won’t let you live in this lonely place.
And maybe your rage will rise up in flames,
Or maybe you’ll swim; an ocean of tears
Is frightening, but you can float. These games
In your mind wreak havoc, these fears
Are taking you over – what could I do?
I am not sorry, because I love you.