Sweet Serendipity

you stumbled upon the pieces of me

and i'm so glad that you did;

life will never be the same.



You stumbled upon the pieces of me

i'm relearning how to to breathe

life will never be the same;

you set my heart ablaze.



I'm relearning to breathe

would've suffocated if you hadn't met me

you set my heart ablaze;

I am forever grateful that I found you.



Would've suffocated if you hadn't met me

but now inhale more easily

I am forever grateful that I found you...

Sweet Serendipity.

I'd always thought you were just a pretty face

a beautiful smile gone to waste

hooked on drugs

and lost from love

I'd always known you were a runaway



I'd always thought that you were a tease

'till I read those words that terrified me

because they were incredible

and beautiful

and they were written by a runaway



You're so close to perfect

and I'd tell you why

but right about now

you're probably high

a beautiful disaster

you're like a slant rhyme

and no matter how hard I try

I can't let myself get away from you

you teenage runaway

I want to run away with you



Shame on me for assuming you weren't smart

now i'm dodging the danger, the poison darts

'cause you're so close to everything

that i think i might need



Shame on me for writing this song

it doesn't feel right, and I know that it's wrong

and i wouldn't dare to believe

that what I dream could be a reality



you're so close to perfect

and I'd tell you why

but right about now

you're probably high

a beautiful disaster

you're like a slant rhyme

and no matter how hard I try

I can't let myself get away from you

you teenage runaway

I want to run away with you



I don't understand you

but I want to

and I want you to know

that I don't give a ****

what you do when you're alone

because I don't want you to be alone



You're such a mystery

you've got a hook on half of me

I'm not sure what i'm seeing when our eyes meet

but i'm praying, i'm praying that it could be

the chance i promised i'd take one day



You're so close to perfect

and I'd tell you why

but right about now

you're probably high

a beautiful disaster

you're like a slant rhyme

and no matter how hard I try

I can't let myself get away from you

you teenage runaway

I want to run away with you



You and your contradictions

you imperial affliction

you teenage runaway

I want to run away with you

I look over at my clock for the fifth time in the past hour. 2:07 a.m. I pull the sheets closer to my face, as if that alone will help me fall asleep. But, as I turn to check the clock for the sixth time, it is apparent that I won’t be sleeping anytime soon. I sigh as I get out of bed and pull on his sweatshirt. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, but if I close my eyes long enough, I can sometimes remember. Sensory recall, I think; yes, that’s what it’s called. I’d just call it love, but I guess a technical term can work, too. I head over to my window; it’s already half-open, so all I have to do is remove the screen. After setting it aside, I climb through the space linking my room to the outside world. The shingles on the rooftop are gritty against my bare feet, but I don’t mind. I just like the comfort of the nighttime summer air, with its coolness and distinct scent. I gingerly tiptoe to my favorite spot on the roof; it’s not too far from my window, but it’s the highest spot. And the highest spot is the best, because it has the best view of the sky, and all the stars that encompass it. I sit down and look up. All I see above me is a dark indigo blanket, dotted with hundreds of little shining specks. I trace them with my finger, searching for the brightest one. As I do this, I begin to talk to him.
“Hey, Ash. It’s really nice out tonight. But you probably knew that already. I miss you like crazy. School’s been rough…I’m still trying to find someone as smart as you to help me with my calculus homework. English is good, though. We have to write a paper on someone we admire. Don’t tell mom, but…I think I’m gonna write about you. There’s so much I could talk about; how you chased the monsters out of my room after dad left. How you cooked me pancakes on Sundays when mom got called in to work- and how you gave each one a chocolate chip smiley face. And then there’s the time we went sledding and I tried to use my sled like a snowboard - like you did - and fell. Remember that? I couldn’t stand up on my own, so you carried me home. You were so strong- and not just physically. You were there for me when dad left. If you hadn’t been there during that first year after he moved out… I don’t know what I would’ve done. Or what mom would’ve done, for that matter. You kept us all together, Ash. You were like the glue in our broken family. And I never did get to thank you for that. I wish I could thank you in person. You know I would if I could. There are a lot of things I would say and do and….I just miss you. So much…” I stop talking to wipe a tear from my eye. I try to stifle the sobs that are threatening to escape my mouth. I have to be strong, like Asher was. I gaze up at the sky again and continue.
“I really hope you can hear me. I’d like to think you can. Mom said that you would always see us, and hear us, and feel us…but I don’t know. I just need a sign. I need to know that you’ve heard every word I’ve said on this roof for the past six months. I need to know that you’ll hear every story I’ll share for years to come. I need to know you’re still here with me somehow.” I search the sky for an answer. Nothing. Tears stream down my face, burning like a liquid flame. He couldn’t hear me. He never has and he never will. He’ll never know how much I miss and need him.
The stars are blurry now, the tears in my eyes clouding my vision. But even with this distorted perspective, I see it. The flash- incredibly fast and incredibly bright, like a mini supernova. It was right there one second, and gone the next; just like Asher. It was a shooting star - something I hadn’t seen since he and I sat on the roof last summer. A grin spread across my face, tears still falling onto the black shingles.
“I love you, too. Goodnight, Ash.”

It hits me right when I open the door:
The sweet, sweet scent of rain on the pavement.
Each time I stumble upon Petrichor,
Her halo is blinding; she’s heaven-sent.
She’s friends with the bluebirds and butterflies,
The neighbor of freshly cut grass, the aunt
Of the insects, first daughter of the skies,
Leader and lover of each lovely plant…
Only ever all around you, even
When the ground is dry and for a fleeting
Moment, she’s just something to believe in;
But Petrichor and her honeyed greeting
Are worth waiting for – because here’s the thing:
They’re simply a welcoming sign of spring.

I

I wish I’d seen it sooner, you are parallax,
Your lipstick fooled me for so long, you catalyst,
You trapped me in my own heart, you are Calypso,
I kept my fears hidden behind a mental citadel,
You tore it down, your touch was selcouth,
But only to me, you were too beautiful, you are kalopsia

II
Even your fingernails lied, you are kalopsia,
I shouldn’t come down from cloud nine, this parallax
Should’ve been more apparent, not selcouth,
Not how I thought it, you are TNT, a catalyst,
You demolish with your winks, even my citadel
Fell before you, but you still kept me in, you are Calypso.

III
Tell everyone you’re real, you are Calypso,
You are not a myth, you are simply kalopsia,
A breathtaking lie, you didn’t need a citadel,
Nobody could break you anyway, you are parallax,
But you’re evil at all angles, you are the catalyst
Of all things lonely, this no longer feels selcouth.

IV
You are kalopsia, the gorgeous catalyst.
You are parallax, wrecking citadels.
You are not selcouth; you are Calypso.

"You're crazy and no one likes you." I don't know how to respond. I am ten and have never heard such hurtful words before. She smirks as I walk away in tears, silent in my own disbelief. At dinner that night, my mother says she is jealous of me because I am such a smart, kind girl. Now I am confused. Am I an outcast that is hated by all, or the poster child for perfection?

She is insecure
Envy green with jealousy
But she still hurts me

"Wow. It's really sad that you have to tattle to the principal instead of handling things yourself." I don't know how to respond. I am fourteen and am now embarrassed for asking my mom to talk to the school, and to make sure I didn't share any classes with my bully. I delete the post from my Facebook wall and lock myself in my room. At dinner that night, my mother says I am mature for contacting the school rather than fighting with my attacker. But I am confused. How can I stand up for myself if other people are solving my problems for me?

I cannot escape
Her words make me feel alone
What did I do wrong?

"Guess who." I know exactly how to respond. I am seventeen and I have had enough. My bully moved away two years ago; I thought she had moved on. Apparently, distance is not a problem for her. One sentence is all she will get from me: "I feel bad for you." The phone company has her number minutes later and I am proud of myself. At dinner that night, I don't tell my mother anything, because there's nothing to tell. There is no more confusion; I know that she is not the only one of her kind, but I also know that I am strong enough to handle anyone whose insecurites knock them down a few levels in the realm of maturity. I only wish the clarity had come sooner.

To my old neighbor:
Thank you for tormenting me.
You have made me strong.

I

You said all you could see in my eyes was passion,
But you were staring down the barrel of a gun, Russian roulette,
Go look at your journals, you always knew love was quixotic,
But you continued to fall deeper into a terrain uncharted,
Leaving me to plan everything, all the adventures, “spontaneous,”
We were never “we,” it was all faux, like my smile, maleficent.

II

Tattooed in a place you never saw is “maleficent,”
I had to remind myself who I was, you were so full of passion,
Waiting for the trigger after every outburst, each as spontaneous
As the last, you always carried a deck of cards but you preferred roulette,
You’d lost so much anyway, but this game sent you somewhere uncharted,
All you did was watch the stars, you needed a compass, this love was quixotic.

III

My love was there for the taking, it was I who was quixotic,
How did you miss it, I am Miss Maleficent,
My name is on broken hearts everywhere, in places uncharted,
But only to you, I’ve been everywhere, recognized your passion,
Loaded my gun, tried to fire, ended up blinking, **** this roulette,
I had to end it faster, I blinked till I cried, that was truly spontaneous.

IV

I am Miss Maleficent, you fell to roulette;
Curse your passion, and feelings uncharted;
Our love was both spontaneous and quixotic.

I met you in the sixth grade. I do not remember the first words we spoke, or if you asked my name or vice versa. I do, however, recall us being paired together for every science project. I don't have to close my eyes to remember the pre-summer heat beating down on my skin (which was pale in comparison to your natural tan) as we laid rulers along the pavement outside the school to measure how far our "car" could go. I remember smiling. I remember laughing. I couldn't tell you if it was a joke you made or something the teacher said, but I remember being happy.

Seventh grade came and went. We did not speak. I missed you a little, but not too much. I was only 13 and had never loved you.

I walked into my second bell on the first day of eighth grade and saw you sitting in the second seat in the second row (**** me for remembering little things like that). You smiled and said hi and I smiled and said hi and that was it. We never talked much in that class, in all honesty; your best friend sat behind you, as did mine behind me, and we really only asked each other for help on homework questions. But I didn't mind. I didn't have anything to miss. I had never really loved you.

Fast forward to February (still a timid little eighth grader). My best friend that sat behind me so many months ago had a boyfriend and I was lonely. I do not know what prompted me to do this, or where the courage came from, but one day, I decided I wanted to talk to you again. I texted five different people to get your number (desperation? Never), and before I knew it I had sent a message saying that I "hoped you remembered me and that I hadn't talked to you in a while and how had you been?" An immediate response sent shockwaves through my body :" hey :) I've been good." And for the first time since the fall of that year, I began to feel happy again.

It was now April and we were at the local amusement park with friends. My best friend, feeling clever, decided to start a "hand holding chain" in an attempt to get me to hold yours. It worked. I had never held a boy's hand before. Yours was bigger than mine, and warm, and I had to physically stop myself from smiling. But I was also terrified, because in that moment, I realized how much I liked you, and how much I never wanted you to let go of my hand.

May 15, 2010: I remember the conversation perfectly.
You: so who do you like?
Me: I'll tell if you tell
You: I asked you first
Me: I asked you second
You: doesn't count.
(here comes a supernova of bravery)
Me: alright. I hope this doesn't make things awkward, but...I guess I kinda like you (:
(an intense wave of fear and relief crash over me)
You:  :)
And that was the day I began to feel loved.

May 19, 2010: We are at the park by our school (with friends, of course). My friends are telling me to kiss you. I can't do that. I'm much too terrified. You look at me from across the playground and smile. I think I love you but I'm not sure because I'm only fourteen. My best-friend-who-has-a-boyfriend  walks me to the top of the hill we had gone sledding on over the winter - and pushes me down it. Not hard enough to fall, but enough to send me half-jogging-nearly-tripping all the way down to the bottom. And you, being the superhero that you were, chased after me. I began to make my ascent back up the hill, but you grabbed my hand. You said that we should take a walk through the woods instead. My palms become incredibly sweaty and my heart stops but I say okay and we begin to walk. You know all of the paths because you run cross country and you go through these woods all the time every fall. I know none of these paths and I am very scared. You tell me you have a surprise for me and you lead me to a path that ends at a shelter. I walk underneath it and see initials etched into the wood. I'm reading the ones above me when, suddenly, your arms are around my waist. I jump. "What's wrong?" you ask. I don't know. I don't know why that scared me. I say "nothing," but I'm shaking - visibly. You look worried and step away. I want to cry. I turn around to apologize and perhaps try to explain, but your face is so close to mine and I'm thinking you might kiss me and even though I really want to kiss you, I walk away. You follow. We say nothing. Then it starts to rain. We're by a creek now. There's a wooden board right next to our feet (I **** you not). You pick it up and lay it so I can use it as a bridge as we cross over to the other side. You're still holding my hand. I'm still shaking. We're in a clearing now. I think we're close to that hill. I begin to walk but, once again, you grab my hand. I do not turn around this time. I am frozen in fear. I can feel your breath on my neck as you whisper in my ear, "I don't know how to do this very well, but..." and your hand cups the side of my face and I begin to turn around and suddenly I'm panicking and shaking and I run - literally run - away from you. And I have never hated myself more. I should have been happy, but I wasn't.

A few weeks later, we are standing on a bridge. You're behind me. You put your arms around me. I am wearing your beaded necklace from Hawaii ("it's not a necklace," you'd say, "because necklaces are for girls). I do not flinch. I am happy. Something about you put me at ease after I became more aware of your presence and your scent and the way your hand fit in mine. And I was happy.

Four years later, I don't have to close my eyes to remember the text I sent you after I fell in love with you. I told you that I had heard a rumor that you liked someone else and I didn't want to date you anymore (I had never believed the rumor). I was afraid of finally being close to someone, and probably other things, and I sent you away. I'm typing this incredibly long recollection and I'm realizing there are so many more little stories I could tell about us, and how even though I was only fourteen I do believe I loved you, because you were the first person I was able to give my love to. I hope your girlfriend now appreciates you, because I know I do even though you're gone. I never got to kiss you, but I still loved you more than I love hot cocoa after catching snowflakes on my tongue, and that should say more than all of these words ever will.

Thunder rattles the ground beneath us and lightning illuminates the sky in a supernova. We are hiking; this storm is unexpected. My fear must radiate through me, because you keep glancing over at me, brow creased. Rain begins to pour, and the droplets trickle down the my face. It is humid and we are swimming in air. I cannot help but jump at each crack of thunder.
Though I am afraid
I will brave this storm with you
I will not break down
We stumble upon a creek that, if crossed, could spare us a few nature-soaked minutes. Tentatively, I stick a flip-flop foot into the water – it is freezing. I recoil in surprise. You spot something in the distance – what is it? You let go of my hand and jog to it. Running, you’re running now, back to me, with a wooden plank in hand. It cannot be a coincidence that it is the same width as the creek. But you did not know about this storm…I choose not to worry about it. Your shoes are instantly soaked with creek water, and mine are dry as I tightrope-walk across the water. We continue walking. Your car is in the distance. You are still holding my hand. You are enchanting.
Your soaked tennis shoes
Match my flip-flop harmony
Could this be true love?

Four letters won’t define.
Four letters won’t defeat.
Even though they’re forever mine,
Even though they’re not discrete.

Four letters won’t defeat;
No longer are they chains.
Even though they’re not discrete,
I won’t let myself live this way.

No longer are they chains;
They cannot pull me down.
I won’t let myself live this way;
Refusing to sink, refusing to drown.

They cannot pull me down;
These letters, sips of ruined wine.
Refusing to sink, refusing to drown:
Four letters won’t define.

I want you to show up at my house
on a clear summer evening
unexpectedly
with your truck
your beat up, half-full-of-gas truck
and I want you to tell me
you have a surprise for me.

So you'll blindfold me
and stick me in the passenger seat
and start playing some song on your ipod
that I don't recognize
but instantly fall in love with
and I want you to drive
for so long
that I question our whereabouts
and you'll say
"I told you, it's a surprise."

and then
at long last
you will help me out of your truck
(like the gentleman you are)
but you'll tell me to keep the blindfold on
for a few more minutes
while I hear your truck doors
open
and shut
and open
and shut
and you'll take off the blindfold
with a huge smile on your face
as you yell, "Surprise!"
with that goofy grin
(slightly lopsided - beautiful imperfection)
and i'll look to my right
and see your truck
in the middle of this field
this lonely, simple field
and in the bed of the truck
are blankets and pillows
and my face will light up
as I run over
and leap into the truck bed
and you will follow
and turn on more music
that I don't recognize
but instantly fall in love with

and the sun will set
and you will wrap me in a blanket
and then your arms
and I will use your chest as a pillow
(it was always comfier than the real thing, anyway)
and you will sing along
to the songs I don't know
but instantly fall in love with
and the sky will turn indigo
and the stars will appear
(though they never really left)
dotting the sky
like the freckles on your face
and we will watch them together
and trace constellations we can't pronounce
and you will play with my hair
and maybe i'll kiss you
and maybe you'll kiss me
and all will be quiet
except for the soft sound
of the music I do not recognize
but instantly fall in love with
kind of like the way
I fell in love with you.

I
And suddenly it is mid-October,
Everything is ablaze with color, all of the leaves
Are descending, the air is comfortably cool,
The sun reminds me of the approaching equinox,
The earth is standing still, it’s lovely, enchanting,
The scent of fresh apples engulfs me, hello autumn.

II
Gourds grace our front doorstep, autumn,
Don’t you love them, don’t you love October,
The way the leaves crunch, their demises are enchanting,
But did they ever die, I don’t know, they are just leaves,
But they are autumn, they hug the equinox,
Love its embrace, its temperature drop, so cool.

III
Where are my sweaters, it’s getting cool,
But I’m not worried, it’s only autumn,
It’s only a Halloween equinox,
Time is changing, it is still October,
But things are changing, even the leaves,
The fire is fading, but it’s still enchanting.

IV
Hello autumn, have you seen the leaves?
Hello October, are you ready for the equinox?
Prepare for enchanting colors and temperatures cool.

Clear and slick and frozen,
The ice coats the ground,
The trees, parked cars,
And any tangible thing around.

My breath makes the air visible,
Just for a moment; it’s 25 below,
And I am frozen, chilled to the bone,
Shaking everywhere I go.

The city is an ice sculpture,
Glistening, so beautifully hazardous;
Frozen solid, doomed to melt –
An existence quite precarious.

The sun is stunningly silent today;
Does it believe its fate has been chosen?
I don’t miss it now, I suppose, but only
Because I’m enchanted by all that is frozen.

"Twinkle twinkle, little star
how I wonder what you are"

I know exactly what this one is
right above me
like a mini supernova;
it's the story
of a boy
and a girl
who loved each other
so much
that they wouldn't mind
if the world
collapsed
under the sun
because they only ever
wanted each other

"up above the world so high,
like a diamond in the sky"

and this one, too;
it reminds me of you
and how you used to sing me songs
that you made up
as you went along
and you drove along
the broken roads
with me
and please,
won't you come back?
I miss you more
than I miss being able
to name the constellations

"twinkle twinkle, little star
how I wonder what you are"

and how I wonder
whatever became of us.

You call all the girls you mess around with "sunshine,"
but none of them light your dark spaces,
your loneliest places.

I'm there at one in the afternoon
with you and your flat tire
and then at three in the morning
with you and your ******
"i love her's,"
your groggy, slurred words
about a girl from the bar
who you won't remember
and you thank me in the morning
when I bring you water
and all you ever call me
is a friend

Scorching sand covering my toes
Salty air in the wind that blows
The land and water harmonize ;
You're sublime, sweet summertime.

The ocean waves are in my hair,
And there are people everywhere.
This whole place is a perfect rhyme;
You're so sublime, sweet summertime

Sunset to sunrise, I am awed;
I cannot find a single flaw.
The stars glow brighter every night;
You're so sublime, sweet summertime.

She sells seashells by the sea shore
Returns each year, for she needs more
Of the grand, ever-changing skies;
You're so sublime, sweet summertime.

I'm curled up by the fire

it is so cold in December

I look through all of the pictures

'cause I want to remember



We're standing on the boardwalk

It was so hot in July

If you zoom in all the way

You can see the sparkle in my eye



His old Tshirt still smells like summer

and there's still sand in my bikini

his kiss was more powerful than thunder

I hope he still misses me



Now we're swimming in the ocean

on the 15th of July

you can barely see our faces

'cause the sun was just so bright



I'm so close to the fire

but he's so far away

I keep scrolling through the pictures

oh, I wish we could've stayed



His old Tshirt still smells like summer

and there's still sand in my bikini

his kiss was more powerful than thunder

I hope he still misses me



We're standing in the airport

on the 18th of July

and if you zoom in then and now

you'll see the tears in my eyes



'Cause his old Tshirt still smells like summer

and there's still sand in my bikini

his kiss was more powerful than thunder

I hope he still misses me

yeah, I hope he still misses me

I hope he still misses me.

Steady…tip left. Get back up. Steady…lean right, lean left, fall right. See blood. Cry out. Wait for mom and dad to run over (they are watching from a distance). Put band-aid on knee. Wish it would’ve been a Transformers one. Get back up. Ask for dad for help. Cry when he says you can do it yourself. Make him promise not to let go of the back of the seat. Left foot on pedal, push off with right. Last-second check to make sure dad is still there (he is). Steady. Steady. Steady. Look left. The grass is incredibly green this summer. Look right. The neighbors have an adorable puppy. Steady.  Steady. Steady. Stop at the end of the street (left foot on pedal, right on ground). Turn around. See dad standing at opposite end. See him give thumbs up. He lied. Hear mom cheer. He lied. Smile…because he lied.

Feel the summer breeze
Pride rushing through every vein
Sometimes lies are good

december is so cold
and his story is untold
so when he lets his heart unfold
it's much too easy

he's nearly blinded
by her beautiful diamonds
they almost remind him
of a lost memory

the sparkle in her eyes
is a mere disguise
he believes all the lies
he falls so quickly
and suddenly


he's yelling save me, save me
i've made a mistake
i was crazy, crazy
and the whole thing was fake
somebody save me, save me
'cause i lost everything
trying to save myself.


april is so blurry
rain day, he's in a hurry
eyes on fire, fueled by fury;
now he can't see


so it's no surprise when
her beautiful diamonds
catch his eye again
and persuade him to be free
but the smile on her face
doesn't have a single trace
of insincerity or disgrace
and he falls so quickly
and suddenly


he's yelling save me, save me
i've made a mistake
i was crazy, crazy
and the whole thing was fake
somebody save me, save me
'cause i lost everything
trying to save myself.


december is so cold
and it's such a pity
that his story was told
because he fell for the beauty
so quickly,
so suddenly,
so quietly.


he can barely say save me, save me
'cause he made too many mistakes
he was crazy, crazy
and every kiss was a fake
he whispers save me, save me
now he's lost everything
trying to save himself;
what a shame.

I am gossamer

you are so quixotic

you drop my crystal heart again,

but then you glue it back together.



You are so quixotic

our love is forlorn, broken

but then you glue it back together;

I'll give you another chance.



Our love is forlon, broken

you bring thunder to halcyon weather;

I'll give you another chance,

unable to see the thread from which i'm hanging.



You bring thunder to halcyon weather

I can't escape this storm

unable to see the thread from which i'm hanging;

I am gossamer.

I grew up
reading books about
boys
who say things like,
"You're so beautiful,"
or
"God, I can't believe
I've never known you
before"
and they kiss the girl
and they fall in love
and maybe there's a struggle
somewhere in the middle
but everything is
o k a y
and in the moments after
hearing how beautiful
and wonderful
and amazing
she is,
the girl is happy,
the girl is loved,
the girl is l o v e d.

The last boy who told me I was beautiful
didn't listen
when i said
NO
and I sobbed in my own bed
for three nights
and I couldn't touch my sheets
for five
because it takes a long time
to get blood stains out
when you use the cheap washers
in the dorms.

The last boy who told me I was amazing
left me at five in the morning
and said he'd call
and even as he looked me in the eye,
I knew he wouldn't.

The last boy who told me he liked me
said so as he tried to push my head
in a direction I didn't want it to go
and it seems
that all of these compliments
are meant to be segways
into getting something more.

These compliments
have turned into warnings,
red lights,
get out,
get out,
he only wants you
for your body
and I don't know
how I am ever supposed
to believe someone
when they actually mean it
when all I know
is sugar-coated bullets.

I am reading a book
where the boy whispers
promises between kisses
and I realize
I have never kissed anyone in
the light
and I am numb inside
and I do not want to be called
beautiful
anymore because to me
that means I am
about to be shot.

I am alone

I walk the lonely backroads

not sure where I'm going,

but i know i've gotta go.



this is not wanderlust

it's merely broken trust

i kick the dirt beneath me,

and watch a cloud form from the dust.



I knew my father left us

I knew my mother cried

but it seems i never really knew

the hurtful reason why.



my long blonde hair

is what sent him there

to whatever town he lives in now;

i guess having a daughter made him scared.



I am alone

I walk the washed out, broken roads

not sure where i'm going,

but i know i can't go home.

Scarlett Summers:

The air was warm
When we set out for the ocean waves
I’d slipped the cyanide into his drink
While he was jogging;
Hard work, no payoff.
And as I gripped the steering wheel,
I thought about the things
That they would say
And do
About the coffee shop girl whose lover had died
And I thought about the flowers
And the people who would bring them
And how they would say “that poor girl”
“that poor, lonely girl
Whose lover has died.”
And I smiled because
I couldn’t wait;
But as I gripped
The steering wheel
The yellow dashes on the road
Began to form
A single line
And I looked over at him;
His eyes furiously blink-blink-blinking
As he opened his mouth
And looked back at me
He struggled to breathe
As I struggled to see the road
And then to breathe as well
And suddenly
The car was upside down
And filled with gasps for life
And I thought to myself:
"Is there pity in Hell?"



Max Winters:

When I returned to the condo
She was outside the door
With my energy drink
And a beach bag
And a beautiful smile
And I began to feel bad
For pouring the bleach in her morning coffee
But later
In the car
Her smile is gone;
Fingers choking the steering wheel
And I remind myself
That it had to be done
She had to be put out of her misery
And even though she was my world
She had to leave ours
But suddenly
My train of thought was derailed
As my breaths became gasps
And my chest became an inferno
I looked over at her
But she was blurry
And then we were upside down
Our lungs now broken promises
And our eyes white lies
Built up and gone wrong
And I thought to myself:
“I hope she’ll be happy in Heaven.”

Under the old oak tree we stood
Counting stars, as if we would
Be able to number them all,
As if one day the sky wouldn’t fall;
Falling in love? Maybe we could.

Tried so hard to make it good,
To make it work like we thought it should,
To ignore the pain that did befall,
Under the old oak tree.

Two leftovers, misunderstood
And we mistook the peeling wood
For a savior (from our fall);
But it was inevitable, our curtain call…
Under the old oak tree.

Alone in her room, she writes feverishly,
Fueled by adoration:
“I love you because you fear
The very thing that will unite us;
I’ll remember you, even in oblivion.”
Alone in her thoughts, the moon rises
With her chest as she takes deep breaths
As she smears the ink, the liquid words that read:
“Can you feel my heartbeats
In the indentations of this letter?”

She begs him to remember,
To try and picture their first date;
She says, “I know it’s hard right now,
But you are stronger than the things
That have ever dared to bring you down.”
She begs him to recall
Sitting in a coffee shop somewhere
In the heart of a beautiful fall
And if he wakes up, she wonders,
“Will he remember me at all?”

This letter is not about her,
Though her scent engulfs the page;
No, this was never about her,
Though she wants him to remember her name
When he wakes from someone else’s mistake
And if the sound of her voice
Is not enough to provoke
Even the simplest memory of their love,
She prays through tears that her
Ink-stained words will be enough.

You scared me, Augustus, you really did;
I hate the feeling of smoke in my lungs, and yet
I found myself wishing I was cancer-free
So I could stand with you as you pulled out a cigarette.

But you just held it there between your lips;
It was the epitome of a metaphor,
And I stood there in utter disbelief,
Wanting more and more and more.

And the more I got, the more I loved -
Even your horrid driving (I’d drive with you
Until the end of time, Augustus, it wasn’t your
Time, Augustus, I’ll say it again, “I do.”).

These tears are a side effect of love,
And the fault was in our stars, but someday
We will unite again, Augustus, because our
Love is immeasurable and immortal, okay?

Things they used to say:
“Poetry is gay”
“Nobody likes a bookworm”
“That’s an awful song”
“You do not belong”;
Their taunts were painfully firm.

Things I used to think:
“How do they not know
Edgar Allan Poe?”
“Why do they stare when I write?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“What can I not see?”
I was always stuck in night.

Things I know today:
I still love the way
Words and music intertwine,
And despite their words
(And though they still hurt),
I’m perfectly fine.

Imagine honeybees drunk on heaven.

She says, “Don’t you ever stop believing.”

Imagine thousands of stars whispering,

“You are beautiful.”

She says, “Navigating the earth is a danger

I expect you to face.”

Imagine angels passing gentle and cool at the gates.

Imagine a ragged chain of promises Imagine people

ten kilometers above the kingdoms Imagine no danger

Imagine no war Imagine Imagine Imagine.

She says, “You are ultraviolet.”

the thunder cracks above my head

it shakes me

awakens me

as i lay in bed

but today

i am not afraid



the water floods the quiet street

drowning the secrets i can't keep

carrying words and promises

across the cracked concrete



i find myself on the ground

shake me down

and soak my skin

raindrops try to seep in

but i am waterproof

bulletproof

and today

i am not afraid



i cannot open my eyes

theyre blinded by water from the raging skies

and i listen to the hum of a million melted icicles

as they surround me

they cannot drown me

because today

i am not afraid



in this storm, i will find tranquility

i will achieve

sophrosyne

i will let the rain

wash away

the pieces of me

that i do not need

in this storm, i will find simplicity

i choose to be happy

i will be

sophrosyne

Her name was Autumn
and she smelled like falling leaves
her only flaw
was that she decided to leave me
for a better life
'cause everyone knows
this town will take you under
like high tide
and I tried
to save us
but when you're drowning
you don't swim deeper

She sits on the roof,
sweatshirt-covered arms
wrapped around her legs
because his arms
were no longer
wrapped around her.
She watches the stars
and sticks out her tongue;
she's catching snowflakes
as her body shakes
in the freezing cold.
She closes her eyes
and takes a deep breath,
spreads her arms and legs out wide
like she's making a snow angel.
They say she's a dreamer,
and they were right;
but she was dreaming of
they day she'd find
the courage to die;
now she's a snow angel.

Cue the ever-prominent darkness;
Wake up in night, and feel the chill
Of snow and of stress
Resting on the window sill.
Feel it all around you;
This giant contradiction
Of happiness and tears.
You never spoke, but always knew
Of the below-zero affliction
That covered you in frost each year.

Cue the endless strings of lights;
Let the trees and houses glow
But it’s all an effort to block out night;
This you hate, but this you know.
Fear of midnight skies only rises
When snowflakes start to fall
And time seems to slip away;
We get by with our harmless disguises,
Forcing our minds away from it all
Until we wake to the light of day.


Cue the tray of hot cocoa;
Pair it with a candy cane
The warmth is sweet, but it is faux
And the mint walks you down memory lane.
But you don’t want to remember
No, you don’t want to relive innocence
You can’t go back to your Santa Claus days
For you want to love December;
You live the month with wistfulness,
But you cannot ignore the pain.

When I was little,
We would play kickball
In the cul-de-sac.

You would scold me
While I was in the outfield,
Told me not to puppy-guard
The bases.

I told you to run faster.

Last night,
You wouldn’t let me
Leave, wouldn’t let
Me sleep alone.

I told you not to puppy guard
My heart,
To have faith in yourself,
In me, in us.

I told you not to puppy guard my heart.

You told me to love faster.

I told you I couldn’t.

You seemed broken, frozen.

And I felt my lips crack,
broken from the cold
and lack of contact

And I felt my heart crack
two nights ago,
bare legs sprawled on the tile,
heaving,
throwing up everything
that didn't make me forget
about you,
and you would never love
a girl like me
and I don't
blame you.

You can feel your heart breaking.

I watch you walk away
and wonder how you don't know
how much I love you,
because I've all but run to you with
arms wide open,
screaming "YOU MAKE ME WANT
TO CHANGE MYSELF TO CHANGE THE WORLD
TO BE OKAY TO BE FREE TO BE
IN LOVE AND NOT BE AFRAID YOU MAKE
ME FEEL ALIVE."

You can feel your heart breaking.

And maybe I'll hold you when she breaks
your heart,
wipe away tears when you fall asleep
so the rainfall doesn't wake you,
and maybe you'll never let me be the
one to keep your heart whole,
but you'll always be the one
who shatters mine and puts it back together
all at once, always, I'll feel like this always,
feel my heart breaking.

You bought me bouquets of flowers
Called me up and talked for hours
Your heart, you said, I did possess;
You loved me more, I loved you less.

You slipped letters under my door,
Each one the same: “I love you more.”
A need  for me you did profess;
You loved me more, I loved you less.

You begged me not to leave your side-
Your voice shook, and you did not hide
Your desperation to impress;
You loved me more, I loved you less.

But oh, I could not carry on!
I couldn’t be your little pawn
On whom you’d place a wedding dress;
You loved me more, I loved you less.

Your love clouded the morning sky,
As I lived an enormous lie;
And so, my dear, I must confess:
You loved me more, I loved you less.

I suppose this is the part where tears fall
From my eyes in rapid unison
But I find myself feeling nothing at all

As I’m watching the rising autumn sun
Memories take over like high tide
In the race to grow up, who really won?

Six years old, mama’s mascara on her eyes
Wishing she could fit into her heels,
But still running to her when she cries

You think you know how it feels
To be grown up when you’re left alone
For a weekend; but that’s not being on your own.

I want to go home.
Someone please take me home.

Jets roar in the distance and I wonder
If this is what it feels like
To enter calm water, only to be pulled under

And I know it shouldn’t feel right
Leaving the past eighteen years
At this terminal in the early daylight

But still, there are no tears;
Only distant memories
And resurfacing fears

Fifteen years old and simply needing
To be able to drive on my own;
My eyes may be dry, but they are pleading:

I want to go home.
Someone please take me home.

Staring at the neon walls around me,
trying to look deeper than the eye can see;
i'm thinking of the reasons why i'm left alone,
when i'm suddenly startled by a ghostly moan.

"Where are you going?" the clown begins to taunt,
and i think, "into his arms; at least, that's what i want."
I push away the curtains and I turn around to find
my best friend and her boyfriend; their love has left them blind.

And because of this, they're unaware that they are being followed
by a group of ****** children's toys whose hearts are very hollowed.
As she screams at the creatures, her lover holds her tight;
he says "i'll hold you close, until the bad things are out of sight."

My heart is slowly bleeding as I see their innocent love;
and I'm wishing life were better when a clown drops from above.
It cackles as I'm shaking; I'm as scared as I could ever be;
i now realize there's nobody to protect me.

I soon forget the posessed walls, as I relive it once again;
the first time I came here with you, before our love had an end.
I'm oblivious to the world around me, but nobody seems to care;
the only one who would is you, but you're not even there.

Walking down this dark hallway I can't see my tears,
but i know that they're from better years.
holding the broken pieces of a heart unwanted;
this house isn't the only thing that's haunted.

You've been this way for a while;
you know you have
I know you have.
It's like you're living in winter
whenever you're with her
and him
and all of them;
cold souls surround you
they're trying to drown you
in your own insecurities
I can see you shivering
but there's fire in your eyes
and baby, don't you know?
Flames will always melt ice.

And even if you're stuck in January,
I want you to come with me.

I wanna show you summer
I wanna show you fall
I wanna show you spring
I wanna show you everything;
what it's like to sing at the top of your lungs
and let your hair down because you're young
to love without any reasons;
I wanna show you the seasons.

It's been this way for a while;
you've been struggling
I've been noticing.
It's like a blizzard
at home
that settles down
when you're alone
until it hits you
that you're alone
to suffocate
because of your mistakes;
that smile is beautiful,
but I know it's fake.

And if you're stuck in December,
I want you to remember

I wanna show you summer
I wanna show you spring
I wanna show you fall
I wanna show you it all;
what it's like to crave somebody's skin
and not have to worry about where you've been
to love without any reasons;
I wanna show you the seasons

And when the snowflakes start falling
and nobody's calling
I hope you know
you can pick up the phone
because you're never alone.

He thinks, “come into the stillness.”

He thinks, “Grow wild, intoxicated.”

Perhaps, he thinks, we are cannonballs.

Perhaps we are glazed and dazzled,

drunk on clarity.

Must we be wiped off the earth?

He sits alone, at night, again.

Shuts off his memory.

He writes: “I am fine

I am fine

I am fine

open your eyes

I am fine.”

I had two best friends;
a boy
and a girl
And I talked to them
every day
and I loved them
with all of my heart;
In fact, I loved the boy
with all of my heart
and then some
but he didn't love me back;
why would he?
And so,
when the girl
told me
she liked the boy
I couldn't bear
to tell her
that I too was infatuated
with his laugh
and the sound of his voice
and so,
I told her
that she should date him
(since I clearly never would)
And then
to my surprise
and utter dismay
they did
And I was sad
but I still smiled
when we were in groups
because I still loved them
with all of my heart
However;
the love that I had
for them
was not as strong
as their love for each other
And now
I have two friends;
a boy
and a girl
The boy told me he used to like me
way back when I thought he never would
but it's too late
to fix my stupid mistakes
because now my two friends
talk to each other
every day;
I have not spoken to either
in months
and I sit alone
at home
thinking of what would have happened
(and what could be)
if I had told the boy
that I loved him
with all of my heart
and then some.

Do not doubt your ability
When faced with great adversity.
Release your fears, and you will find
All you need is a golden mind.

"Life; an adventure, or nothing"
She had no problem adjusting
Deaf in both ears, blind in both eyes;
All you need is a golden mind.

"Music is a mediator"
Healthy early, famous later
Lost all hearing, did not resign;
All you need is a golden mind.

"I don't know why I run so fast"
Before, they said her fate was cast
Four Olympic medals combined;
All you need is a golden mind.

Even when handed tragedies,
You'll walk away with victories
If you leave all your doubts behind;
All you need is a golden mind.

you're so starry eyed,
a galaxy in the sky,
dropping crystals when you cry,
the definition of why.

your skin has a sunny glow,
and I'm searching for your halo.
my darling, don't you know
that you're why the wind blows?

and I see nothing wrong,
with your hair when it gets long
we'd top the charts with our love song;
I just hope you'd sing along

do a three-sixty,
how did you miss me?
and why can't you see,
I'm everything you want me to be?

I'll rough the stormy weather,
and I'll travel to wherever;
just as long as we can be together,
and fall in love until forever.

The ground changed color overnight. What was once green is now white. The trees changed, too. The bark is almost striped; the brown is trying to break through its white covering. And the snow is still falling. Light reflects off the tiny crystals that we know are everywhere but cannot see. Flakes pour from an angel-white sky. The world is in a white-out. The neighborhood children have never seemed so happy to only see one color. Carrot sticks are salvaged and old scarves are thrown around freshly made snowmen. A little girl sits on her father's lap as their sled slides down the *****. The kids down the street are having a snowball fight. Each handful of snow delivers a chill that deepens as it moves from skin to spine, but they don't mind. In this picture-perfect snow globe, white is wonderful.

Watch the snowflakes fall
Catch them on your tiny tongue
Winter has begun.

There is a flame in the corner of the greenhouse;
It rises up, alone, the child of a lighter and gasoline,
Surrounded at its base by envy – green leaves.
No wonder it is the only of its kind
No wonder it is nearly isolated –
Too much of this fierce sunset
Would set the place ablaze,
Leaving only embers
And the faint hiss
Of an ebbing
wildfire.

Twisted in the way her pride
Brings her down because she can feel
Them glaring, those envious eyes

At a paper she wishes weren’t real
At a feat she should not be ashamed of
At a number so many are wishing to steal

Melancholy in the way she crumples and shoves
Her A+ in the trash on the way out the door;
If she keeps it, she’s sticking up her nose

Because pride is a sin and nothing more;
Hard Work is the devil’s ally,
And Guilt builds his home in her core.

She was given a gift, and now she cries
She was deemed a monster, so now she’ll lie.

Pain in the way the multitude of red marks
On her paper resemble streaks of blood
From the wounds to her fragile heart

A wave of nausea; no wait, a flood
Of everything she’s felt thus far;
Cruelty has crushed a blooming bud.

Tear-stained wishes on a shooting star
To rip away her intelligence;
She’d rather have an ugly scar

She never befriended Arrogance
But somehow her life went awry;
All she wanted was another chance.

She hides her gift, but she still cries
Because she was forced to live a lie.

Love like paper cuts,
Stuck in endless ruts,
Frostbite in the heat of June;
Shattered crystal doors,
Oil covered floors,
Lonely in a crowded room.
  
Love like Friday night -
Strike a match, ignite
Everything we see and feel;
Endless summer skies,
Your glittering eyes…
None of it was ever real.
  
Love like caution signs,
Walking fragile lines,
Blindfolded on a tightrope;
Hanging by a thread,
Ignoring the red,
Still clinging to my last hope.

I'd like to be the girl
with fiery red hair
and eyes that sparkle
like the surface of the water
she dwells in

I'd like to be the girl
who lives to love
and loves to live
and befriends
the sweeter, smaller things

I'd like to break the barrier
and taste the salty air
and maybe even find my way
on my own two legs
in a whole new world

I'd like to find someone who loves me
despite my past
because maybe my heart
will make up for it

I'd like to be Ariel
because I'd like to have
a happy ending

And Bravery Came,
Darling, Effortlessly,
Forever Granting
Her Invaluable Justice.
Kryptonite (Love),
Maybe Not,
Or Perhaps
Quixotic (Remember?),
Stolen,
Taken,
Undercover,
Vendetta,
Wonderfully Xenoglossy,
You Zorro.

I tried not to like him. I tried really, really hard not to notice his perfect smile, his perfect hair, his perfect laugh….I did. I promise. Because what point is there in liking a guy who already has a girlfriend? In his eyes, I was simply a friend. Someone to joke around with before he went back to the more important, more beautiful girl. But over the past 10 weeks, it has become increasingly difficult to avoid the unavoidable: I am completely and utterly infatuated with him. He has been, most recently, sneaking into my dreams, subtly at first and then, to my shock and secret excitement, making obvious appearances. It is these appearances that hurt the most, for I could take full advantage of them and pretend he is mine…but I can’t. Because he isn’t. Even though, as I found out a week ago, he is now single. No girlfriend. No heartbreak. Just single. Like me. Except I’m sure he wants to be. Unlike me. And it is here that I am left in an utterly hopeless place: I am in love with a boy who has just fallen out of love, and who does not plan on falling back into it. There was a short period of time (it could be measured in seconds) that I thought perhaps I could change his mind; I could make him fall in love with me. Not forcibly, of course…just in the way that I would become so appealing to him that he would fall quite hard, and quite fast. The opposite way I did for him. But that was a silly, rash thought, and I brushed it aside as I am my hair right now as I type this. As I try to clear my mind. As I try to figure out what to do. Because I don’t know what to do. I’ve always secretly liked him, but I never figured he would like me. And there’s this miniscule thought, this hope, in the back of my mind that maybe we were meant to be or something stupid and naive like that. And I can’t shake it. So I guess I’m stuck. I guess I’ll keep writing songs and poems and rambles like this until I either fall out of love or the amazing and unfathomable happens. I’m hoping it will be the second. Because I really do like him. Even though I really tried not to.

Like clockwork,
The transition begins again;
Crunchy colors cover the ground
As the second hand makes its way around

The transition begins again;
Lights go up and snowflakes fall
As the second hand makes its way around,
I'm only catching glimpses

Lights go up and snowflakes fall
But these miniscule miracles won’t last;
I'm only catching glimpses
And the sun is already setting.

But these miniscule miracles won’t last
The earth is spinning far too fast
And the sun is already setting…
Like clockwork.