****.
Where do I start. How do I start, knowing that I can never find the perfect words to express every single little bit of emotion and the billion thoughts that run through the messiest brain to exist- mine. Yes I believe I have the most complicated brain in this whole entire universe or maybe I share this same belief with few other beings, competing to win the title of having the worlds messiest brain.
Having just experienced one of the many **** cramps oh and probably the first of the year, I have to say that I am in great pain and anxiety. My toilet is occupied by my mom and will continue to be for the next hour. Many things go on in the toilet. I hope I don’t **** my pants. Have I found myself? or maybe I jumped to that question way too fast. I have come to a realisation that I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. My mind, body and soul has been disconnected and ta da we have disorientation, constant questioning of self identity, a whole lot of self loathing, uncertainty, lack of emotions and the list goes on.
I am now on the toilet bowl and very much thankful for the spicy and alleviating whiffs of cigarette smoke taking over the pungent odour of- I don’t need to go any further do I. I have always felt like a TMI person and sometimes I see that as a negative thing but is it really? What is so bad about exposing oneself and only letting the world know the truth? Do we have to act a certain way in which we don’t address the smallest things that bother us and pretend we are all fine when our wedgies are killing us! Quite tired of putting up a ******* front!
The pitter patter of rain and petrichor helps to calm the discomfort of my stomach ache. The result of consuming large amounts of chocolate and milk on a cold rainy day. This is the start of something new or perhaps something that I have lost. My ability and nature to write my thoughts down. Something so simple yet complexed. Have I hid my innermost feelings these pass few months or maybe...what I have done might just be the scariest thing. Deflecting my feelings and the truth then proceeding to believe the lie I had been telling myself all this while.