if eyes are windows to the soul (or whatever)
then yours surely existed, but they were tinted almost black
and i'm sure you could see out,
but i couldn't see in,
and they were always turned away from me,
perhaps yearning to open to someone else,
(does it get hot in there...
do you ever air it out?)

i ran into myself today,
she was smiling and then she collapsed into someone's arms because she
couldn't believe he lost feelings for her
and she was stuttering,
her teeth trying to carve her thoughts into words that would make sense (they didn't),
her lips trying to soften them so they wouldn't cut her own ears
when spoken aloud (they did),
Maybe He Just Needs Time,
and
He Looked Reluctant To Leave Me,
and i cringed because i heard the familiar grinding of conflicting gears,
one turning toward He Loves Me, and the other toward He Loves Me Not,
and the screeching was unbearable
and i know she wouldn't hear a thing i said

you are beautiful,
with your angular, square jaw (or was it more rounded, i don't remember, i don't want to)
with your warm bronze skin (or was it more mocha, i don't remember, i don't want to)
and your perpetually faultless disposition
(i could never find a crevice to wedge myself into)
and your hands are beautiful
for the way they strummed my body
(it sounded so good i didn't know you were tone deaf)
and your aura was so beautiful
when it mingled with mine
and the patterns were so beautiful
but they could never become one color,
mine was dark when yours was bright and the contrast
was blinding
(you were the first to gain back vision)
you were so beautiful. (to me)
(not anymore)

your departing silhouette was ringed with gold
and even the light suddenly thought your face was too good to be touched

who are you?

i heard your name today and it sounded like someone said "God"
my synapses screaming Why are they saying that Don't they know that's taboo Why does it sound so sharp

this internal frenzy shows itself on the outside as a mere nervous chuckle and a pool of crimson under my skin

You are A Deity now

Something I pray to sometimes as if it is omniscient
something that echoes my thoughts like a carbon copy

My God is Shaped like You

i sat down in the middle of Myself,
eyes stinging from the
rush of air that your quiet
escape brought in through the doorway.

i thought i could fall in love with
a mug of black coffee
but it didn't taste quite like you (you had some sugar
masking your bitterness).

But i liked how the place looked without your
carelessness strewn all over the carpet,
and i liked breathing in air untainted by
your dusty indifference.

You must've not liked the way I said your name
with such fervor and dependence,
I brought it down into the depths of Need,
I grabbed it like your tie and suffocated you as I pulled.
And I'm sorry,
No one's ever taught me how to handle a lover,
I thought I could say your name however I wanted to and true love would do its thing,
but I've seen more evidence of love's strategic nature than I've ever seen of
it's fabled purity.

it was 9-something o' clock
and we were in your car
parked by the playground that would witness us 2 months later,
kissing despite the cold hiatus that wedged itself between
us because you didn't know what you wanted,
anyways,
you pulled out your AP Environmental Science notebook
and your handwriting was small and neat
and i held you because your stomach was hurting
and i kissed you because somehow seeing your handwriting made me fall in love with you
for the twentieth time,
and i wrongly thought
that the way you handled a pen somehow indicated a steady hand with which
you could hold my heart

you'll live in
her hippocampus, for now,
but when it's done with you, you'll be exiled into
dark, slower, parts of her brain (where the angler fish live),
you'll learn to keep silent just so you can survive,
don't try to swim to the surface, you'll just be pushed back down
The Light Doesn't Want You.

You may feel a disturbance in the waters, a rogue ray of sun, perhaps,
maybe an oil spill
But This Isn't An Invitation.

The Light Doesn't Want You.

You live here now because the pre-frontal cortex didn't want you,
you were too expensive to keep around.
Do You Know How Much It Costs To Set Off the Sprinklers?
we don't need to wash away your messes anymore.

So you'll live Here,
your movements will stir the plasma only slightly, and yes it'll affect the Ether but /shrugs,
it'll do.

Don't make a sound.

you told me you'd **** me longer next time and
you told me you'd spend all day with me and
you told me you wanted to skip class just to stare at me and
you told me that you were afraid i'd judge you and
you told me i had a profound way with words (oh you should see me now) and
you told me i had an adorable body and
you told me my native language was gorgeous and
you told me i was your first and
you told me that you just wanted me for *** and
you told me you loved me and didn't want me just for *** and
you stopped telling me things and
then you told me you were back and
you told me it was because you wanted to be and
then you stopped telling me things again and
your mouth was still moving but you weren't saying anything anymore
so i pressed my finger to your lips and turned away and said
you can stop pretending now
you told me a lot of things
but you never showed me them

i'd seen you around school, i watched your wrestling practices after i was done with track,
one time i saw you almost get into a fight with one of your teammates
(but when we actually started talking, i didn't connect the two images together)
our conversations were of ****** nature and you told me you lived in my subdivision and i thought 'this is great'
and we met up in the heat of summer and we went to the pool and i was a little alarmed by how quickly
you became comfortable with grabbing me and holding me
and finally we sat down and i thought it was awkward to sit on a stranger's lap
especially when your hand wandered south and i couldn't keep my breath from becoming shallow
and i couldn't help throwing my head back and
i thought "this shouldn't be happening"
and i thought i'd fix it by hungrily kissing you
but then you picked me up and said bend over and i said No and you whispered in my ear, you said
"are you scared of no longer being a ****** tease"
and i said "n-no, that's not it at all"
and i was disoriented and i was scared
and i don't know why i loved it so much,
i don't know why i fell in love with you,
i don't know why the next week was spent mostly with you,
you were so good with your tongue but so bad with self control
and you taught me how to raise goosebumps with my breath
and you taught me that arousal makes men angry
and you taught me to never flaunt myself ever again,
i cried because you were going away to college,
you begged me to sneak out and comfort you when you were arguing with your parents,
i don't know why i fell in love with you,
but i fell out of it in the same way,
you left town for a week and the fog in my head cleared,
i ignored your calls and was so relieved that i never pointed my house out to you.