goatgirl: Poems

Aug 2013 · 609

wet cement

goatgirl Aug 2013

my growth plates were still open and my weight was still shifting
and you tried to seep into the fault lines, tried to make your mark before the cement dried
and i bet it broke you when you realized
that many more layers have been paved over the place in my heart
where you once impressed yourself upon

Aug 2013 · 1.5k

inertia

goatgirl Aug 2013

inertia

you were a dark tunnel and i couldn't tell if the light in the distance was the blissful end
or just another overhead lamp that would pass as soon as it came
so i kept waiting, hoping
until the lights began to flicker and i couldn't even hope for an end because it all looked so ****
faulty and artificial
and i jumped off the train and a funny thing about momentum is you don't realize
just how fast you're going until
you're arguing with inertia
and adjusting to the stillness of the ground below

Aug 2013 · 493

the spectrum of love

goatgirl Aug 2013

the spectrum of love

love is all in your body,
some people awaken it in your mind,
some your heart,
some in less-talked-about places,
but it's all love and it's all need
and some love highlights the hollowness of your body parts,
while other love fills it.
I think most people refer to "love" as the one that lights all of your body parts on fire,
but every ember is love,
every flickering flame is love,
different kinds of love,
different colors
different temperatures
some will warm you,
some will burn you,
some will leave you scarred,
some will leave you hurt but purified.

Aug 2013 · 468

alina

goatgirl Aug 2013

alina

i was 10 and you were 13 and you were my idol
and wherever you went, i hurriedly followed,
and you smelled like perfection and behaved like it too,
and i don't remember how it started but,
you were telling me about a boy from camp,
and you said "i want to show you what we did"
and you kissed me
with tongue
with groping
you really kissed me
and we knew it was wrong but we didn't know why,
but we kept quiet,
it became a game and we role-played,
but we never played ourselves,
you were always the boy,
and i was so fascinated by how your tongue was touching mine,
yet i felt it all through my thighs and
even somewhere more unreachable, somewhere i couldn't locate,
not the place i peed from, no not quite,

And then at some point we both stopped,
i learned the word "lesbian"
and it scared me because it didn't apply to me,
and we never spoke of it, not a year later, not 5 years later.
We spoke of everything but that.

Aug 2013 · 1.4k

the only white boy

goatgirl Aug 2013

the only white boy

i liked your politics and i liked that you liked women
and i liked your ex girlfriend
but you were a little too macho and
you wanted to rescue me from something
but i liked calling you when i was ****** and telling you
how funny constellations were
and i liked that you sat and listened to me interrupt myself
and you got me so high (with drugs) and i leaned my leg into yours because it felt good
and you leaned in to kiss me and i let you because it felt good
and you drove me home and i was sobering up and you leaned in to kiss me again
and i didn't want to
i did it because i didn't want to see you humiliate yourself
you asked me to hang out many more times
i made up excuses every time

Aug 2013 · 1.2k

you wanted to possess me

goatgirl Aug 2013

you wanted to possess me

i'd seen you around school, i watched your wrestling practices after i was done with track,
one time i saw you almost get into a fight with one of your teammates
(but when we actually started talking, i didn't connect the two images together)
our conversations were of ****** nature and you told me you lived in my subdivision and i thought 'this is great'
and we met up in the heat of summer and we went to the pool and i was a little alarmed by how quickly
you became comfortable with grabbing me and holding me
and finally we sat down and i thought it was awkward to sit on a stranger's lap
especially when your hand wandered south and i couldn't keep my breath from becoming shallow
and i couldn't help throwing my head back and
i thought "this shouldn't be happening"
and i thought i'd fix it by hungrily kissing you
but then you picked me up and said bend over and i said No and you whispered in my ear, you said
"are you scared of no longer being a ****** tease"
and i said "n-no, that's not it at all"
and i was disoriented and i was scared
and i don't know why i loved it so much,
i don't know why i fell in love with you,
i don't know why the next week was spent mostly with you,
you were so good with your tongue but so bad with self control
and you taught me how to raise goosebumps with my breath
and you taught me that arousal makes men angry
and you taught me to never flaunt myself ever again,
i cried because you were going away to college,
you begged me to sneak out and comfort you when you were arguing with your parents,
i don't know why i fell in love with you,
but i fell out of it in the same way,
you left town for a week and the fog in my head cleared,
i ignored your calls and was so relieved that i never pointed my house out to you.

Aug 2013 · 1.3k

i thought i was bipolar

goatgirl Aug 2013

i thought i was bipolar

i met you on MySpace and you had a girlfriend and we had a threeway phone conversation and i thought you sounded so **** when you shrieked "I love you!" to her when you had to go,
and then you broke up and she said it was because your medication had changed you and you reek of *** and it Just Wasn't Working Anymore,
and then Rick came over and brought you along and your tall, wild-haired being took my breath away
and you wore tight, brightly colored pants, and you were dark and thin and your teeth always gripped your purple lip ring and it made you look like you were constantly biting your lip,
and your eyes were amber
and they surprised me when i looked up and saw them focused on me,
i felt as if i'd stumbled upon a rare species of human,
an exotic species Out of My League.
Then you told me to step on your skateboard and i did and you grabbed my hand and pulled me and my 13 year old body was then introduced to Euphoria
and then the rain soaked us and you could see my yellow-and-pink bra and i hoped you liked it even though there wasn't much,
and we IM'd nonstop and i had no idea what it meant, but
i felt like flying and your presence filled me with hot air that was cooled only by your absence,
which came when you left me in the winter.
i cried for reasons i did not understand, i cried every night,
i walked through my dumb subdivision and would hallucinate you coming around the corner and my knees would buckle and my vision would blur,
i thought i was bipolar.
And i existed in a fog of longing and nostalgia and frustration and arousal,
and then you came back and we were both a little more grown up and we spent more time together
and i started wishing you'd do something to do your hair
and maybe smoke a little less
and maybe go to school a little more
and then i went to a football game at my new high school and i saw the muscular athletes and the clean-looking boys and
i gave my phone to Robert and asked him to tell you that i wanted to break up with you
and it was so easy for me
and i was disgusted by you
(but you were still in love)

Aug 2013 · 419

you

goatgirl Aug 2013

you

you are beautiful,
with your angular, square jaw (or was it more rounded, i don't remember, i don't want to)
with your warm bronze skin (or was it more mocha, i don't remember, i don't want to)
and your perpetually faultless disposition
(i could never find a crevice to wedge myself into)
and your hands are beautiful
for the way they strummed my body
(it sounded so good i didn't know you were tone deaf)
and your aura was so beautiful
when it mingled with mine
and the patterns were so beautiful
but they could never become one color,
mine was dark when yours was bright and the contrast
was blinding
(you were the first to gain back vision)
you were so beautiful. (to me)
(not anymore)

Aug 2013 · 421

hope in hibernation

goatgirl Aug 2013

hope in hibernation

leaves are dying and the air is thinning and the atmosphere
is no longer conducive to hot, fiery things,
everything is dying (but not Hope)
Hope never really dies,
it sets like the sun,
flees to places where it's been dark for too long,
sleeps like the bears,
finds that maybe resting for a while would be more efficient.
Hope never dies.

Aug 2013 · 470

letting you go

goatgirl Aug 2013

letting you go

At first a stab --
and then months of leaving the dagger in my skin, because I was afraid of the gaping tear it would leave behind,
it festered and turned purple (they told me I had to take it out)
So I did,
and there was a stream of blood that I used to think wouldn't stop flowing (I thought I'd die of shock), but then my body said Okay Alright, This Needs To Stop,
and the blood congealed--
but this was my last connection to the dagger, to the hand that held it,
I couldn't let it disappear,
I'd fall into trances in which my overgrown fingernails would claw at the wounded site,
just to feel the rush of blood again (but it wasn't quite right this time)
But no matter how much I intervened on the healing process, my body was smarter, had more authority over me.
Soon the wound became untouchable,
nothing but an angry line of scar tissue that I could no longer sabotage.
My skin is whole again, the breeze no longer stings, water no longer burns like acid.
(But sometimes the area aches, pulsates with something I cannot determine to be real or imaginary)
Sometimes my throat tightens because I think the wound has opened again, my stomach churns at the notion of healing again (or worse- never healing at all)
But then I remember that the smell of my own blood is unfamiliar, and the breeze doesn't sting anymore, and water doesn't burn like acid.

— The End —