we stood on the precipice
and it was a safe place between the white-hot, dry sand
and the omnipotent currents hidden beneath the breathing ocean,
and i grabbed your hand without thinking and i said let's swim,
let's do it,
what could go wrong,
if we both want this,
but you said no, there are Living Things in that water,
i said let's befriend them and you said
no,
we are powerless against the current,
and i said let's surrender to it and you said
No --
and you ****** your hand from my grasp but i held on until you told me that
you're not afraid,
you just hate the water

i guess you fell out of love with me and
i didn't mind that much, i just envied how easily you slipped out of this straitjacket
and i longed to follow suit,
to follow you out of the labyrinth (why didn't you leave a map?)
to follow you out and go my own way,
maybe find another maze to get lost in

i know that you can't imagine yourself being hung up on
anyone but him
and i know that even though his *** was mediocre you can't imagine
moaning any name but his
and i KNOW that no one's voice sounds as enticing right now
RIGHT NOW
right now
right now doesn't last forever

shy gazes and
I Hope He Likes Me
and *** He Texted me and
touch my hand again
and
i was so nervous to kiss him but ******* i'm glad i did and
Your Existence is a Gem and
I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS EVER SAD OVER ANYONE ELSE and
YOU ARE PERFECT
and
LIFE IS SWEET
and i feel so **** and
i can do anything i want

i don't want to go back to school unless
they found a way to remove
the fluids of a broken heart off of bathroom stalls,
unless they ****** all the air out of the building,
just in case i'll inhale a particle that you touched,
unless they removed 4 years of your
hot pink presence from the spotted tiles

you told me you'd **** me longer next time and
you told me you'd spend all day with me and
you told me you wanted to skip class just to stare at me and
you told me that you were afraid i'd judge you and
you told me i had a profound way with words (oh you should see me now) and
you told me i had an adorable body and
you told me my native language was gorgeous and
you told me i was your first and
you told me that you just wanted me for *** and
you told me you loved me and didn't want me just for *** and
you stopped telling me things and
then you told me you were back and
you told me it was because you wanted to be and
then you stopped telling me things again and
your mouth was still moving but you weren't saying anything anymore
so i pressed my finger to your lips and turned away and said
you can stop pretending now
you told me a lot of things
but you never showed me them

it is the sun persuading your eyelids to open
because you've shut them against the torrential downpour,
it is panting and gasping after running 10 miles and stopping at the edge of the pier
just in time to watch the sun burn brightly before it sinks below the horizon,
it is looking behind you and watching the flames dwindle into pathetic little embers
and it is your skin being calloused from years of walking on dead coral reefs