One cannot put in words the exact feeling of going crazy
it's like asking the stars in the sky what it's like to drop down into people's pockets
it is asking too much because
I cannot show you how my veins freeze and race in the same moment
because I cannot tell you the chills I get on every square inch of my skin when his eyes split me wide open
I cannot tell you how the sun can burst inside of me when his hand meets mine
or maybe when his fingertips write a story of galaxies into my bones
I cannot bare to tell you I cannot speak those words because you are sitting there you are sitting there staring at a screen you are reading a story when he is carving explosions into the very fabrics of my insides.

there are enough people in this world to make me hate myself
my world is a mile long and 400 million miles into the sky
sometimes I wish I could hit the stars
maybe my mind will fly far off enough that I leave here, even if it makes me crazy

I don't know if anything I do will ever be good enough
because being good enough for myself is never enough
enough is a strange concept

I take a breath late at night when I'm alone
but when I'm in a crowded room I sink low and bite my lip until it bleeds
I see him laughing and I like the way his veins make spiders look less scary
I like that he scares me
but I don't like him one bit

I walk around the park seven times before realizing that it's pitch black out
and I notice how old men have scowls on their faces when they think no one is looking

there are 7 oceans in the world and I have swam in every one of them
and I realized how you believe what you want to believe
I believe that they are all the same

My father once told me that I have to work hard to get what I wanted in life
and now I have proved him wrong by holding you close
he proved me wrong when you left.
I worked hard for you even when I knew you were never coming back
working hard never seems to pay off

I take a deep breath
and I breathe.

maybe you don't realize
you're rushing too fast,
thinking plenty thoughts
the day is young and it's ready to choke you.
of course you can't let it,
well you'll try.
and that's exactly what you're thinking of.
that particular choking in complicated areas of the day.
but anyway,
when you're running down the stairs,
flinging wrong shoes off right feet,
grabbing the right things in the wrong hands,
you run out the door with hair pulled roughly out of your shirt
and a backpack ******* a single shoulder,
you run out the door,
you silently thank your dad for keeping that door open,
the tiny acts of kindness that keep you moving,
keep you functioning,
you run out that open door,
you don't look back,
you run down the concrete steps into the fog, into the rain, into the grey, into the sunlight, into the 20 degree chill,
and you never notice,
not once.
you are starting a day of endless possibilities.
you could cry
or die
or meet your match.
you could make a puzzle
or make a friend
or lose him.
you could scream in pain
or joy
you could build a castle
maybe a mansion
full of princesses
dancing
and a frog might leap in front of your toes.
the infinity can happen.
endless questions with eons of answers.
and all you can think of
is whether or not you'll make the bus.

I see the things that are never there
and the things that no one sees.
I see puffs of smoky exhaust
dancing in front
not sure which way the wind will flow.
I see it formulating
in ones mind
the wind pipe fill with fresh air
and spew out a blackened lie.
I see bare clay men
running down the highway
very slowly
though in a flash
of peach.
I see white spotted doe's
staring at me
from ten feet away
with their intent eyes
and eager ears,
and they are gone.
I see a so called crazy mans masterpiece
through
the smiling moon.
I see a blinking rainbow
on the small of a bus window
thats only there for a moment.
I see small dark boys
wave at me
when no ones looking
I wave back.
I see
hope
as it rises
in someone's chest
and
disappointment
when it falls
like how
the constellations
fall down
towards the earth
on tiny thin strings
and dance among the people.
I see them glowing through particular people's
hearts
I see them shining through thick sweaters.
I see the things that are never there
I see the things
that no one
sees.

there are 24 hours in the day
and every breath I breathe has the scent of you

maybe not anymore

It has the essence of you

the absence.

that's all I have left.

the broken hearts say that sleep helps.
but you do not appear in my dreams anymore and that scares me.
I stay up till dawn to make sure the sun will still rise
I take those breaths and I sleep until I can't take it anymore.

because you are living and I want to be with you
even if living is the only thing we have in common now.

blood runs through my veins and 2 billion others on this earth, but it flows through yours too

that is enough for me

your existence is enough

you.