there isn't anything left here
that will keep me at the mercy
of awe.

i miss the cool summers
and fog crawling over the pines
and its beauty.

and i know that i
will never be able to put that
beauty into words that do it justice

November is supposed to be
a happy month for family.

in 2011, I was sad, but
fall is my favorite season,
so I made it work.

in 2012, I ran from the Man
and he got me good
and put me away
for three whole days,
leaving me with the crazies,
and the blood pouring from my vein.
I don't like talking about 2012.
it makes me feel like I'm one of the crazies too.
November 2012 was sad.

but this year, i think the Man is feeling kinda cruel,
so he's turning November, into October.
but I don't want October to be like November,
because October is my happy month,
because I can hide behind a mask,
and I can smell that nice fall smell.
and summer decides it's time too leave
and I can go outside again.
the mask makes me look happy
but I have to put it away the next day.  

I had so much planned for October,
and not a lot for November.
because October is my happy month
and every high  needs a low
so that's why November comes right after.
but the Man is calling time,
so I guess there might not even be
a November for me
because the Man knows everything.
He plans everything.

in '11, i had started
in '12, they put me in
since this years lucky '13,
who is gonna win?

they say death comes
in 3's
        5's
       and 7's

so, does that mean
that 2013
really was gonna be my year?

In second grade,
I handmade my mom a tea cup
out of clay.
It was glazed in chartreuse and robins egg blue,
Her two favorite colors.
It was a Mother's day present,
because I knew she liked tea.
At the bottom,
while the clay was still wet,
I wrote, "LOVE U MOM",
right where she'd see it
whenever she took a sip.
She never used it.
She used it to put pieces of trash in,
and left it under the counter
in the kitchen.
But now I use it
to burn incense.
She could have used it
for the same thing;
to get rid of the ashes
of the cigarettes she still
desperately tries to hide from us,
but she uses a store bought
coffee mug for that.