butts
butts
*****
butts
***
butts
*****
this is the best poem i've ever written.

i'm in a psychology class
and all i've done is take too many tests
about my personality
and grouch over partner work
but i can't help but love it
the human mind works in any ways we think
if we can think it
i could split my brain in half
and still be fine
i learned too much about anxiety
and now i think everyone has it
most of us sure as hell do
i've seen the subtle human power moves
all it takes is standing up
standing while everyone else is seated
creates such power
everyone in the room has to literally
look up to you
yet i've still taken too many personality tests
been too afraid to score my IQ
been too
anxious
to see how anxious i really am
oops

I've seen dreams fail
or fly
I've seen her face fall
or smile
Every time I hear that song
or go anywhere
it's where we've been
I've been everywhere with her
or just here
you've been here
I can almost smell it
but that was months ago
I'm just so ******* tired
so *******
lonesome
I can't make music anymore
I can't play guitar
I won't touch a piano
the only thing I'm motivated to do
Is write these poems
because it's something new
I want to write these poems
for you
because writing songs
is your gift for others
and for yourself
I miss it so ******* much
so Brianna,
this is for you.
If you ever happen upon this
this is for all the times we
listened to Kanye in your car
smoked a cigarette; a life
smiled
jumped
driven
hoped
this is for hoping
you'll come back
just long enough for me to tell you
that I'm ******* sorry
and I will always be your friend
always
even if you don't want it
even if I don't see you for years
I've seen your face fall
or fly
and I've seen your fingers fly
over the keys
over the frets
around a cigarette
I miss it.

hold your head up
stay positive
be calm
don't tell me
what to ******* do

i wish i could be the kind of person
who talks like they're reading poetry
who doesn't have to ******* swear all the time
or who can make swearing feel like
a caress
or an eyelash
in a glove
for safekeeping
i wish i could have found the eyelash
i stashed in my glove
i wish i could stop thinking so much
i want my hands to relax
i want to stop finding scratches on my stomach in the morning
i want to wake up feeling like i didn't go to sleep 10 minutes before
i wish i had a clean room
i wish cleaning my closet
didn't mean throwing everything in a toy box
and keeping it in that closet
i wish i could stop hurting myself
every time i didn't know what to do
or was mad
or sad
or so ******* tired
that i'm not even aware of what i've done
i just wish
to be better
smaller
less boring
talented
healthy
okay.

i can't bring myself to write about anything other than us
we were so perfect
so flawed
the four of us were so great
even through
the cigarette burn i left on your car seat
the night it took two hours to find you in hide and seek
the days when it was always either
three in the morning
or noon
every **** day we jumped off the high spot on the bridge
and never got hurt
the times we spent our money on cigarettes
and forgot your car didn't have enough gas
to go anywhere but away from home
the night it was just the two of us
your hands didn't belong around my waist
but they found it anyway
the only witness to a crime that didn't happen
was the moon
once again the four
then the three
and then the light left us
and it was two
no more three in the morning
no more bridges
no more moon
all it is
is two
and a cigarette

little things
like feeling greasy
uneven feet
or cracking knuckles
these little habits are the part of me
that i hate the most
i touch my hair
i scratch my skin until i bleed
people think i'm on ****
because my skin doesn't fit
there are invisible bugs
everywhere
i always wash my hands
i have to start on my left foot
and end on my left
here i sit
covered in habits
in anxieties and pains
my ******* brain
hates me