Heavy head.
Heavy hands.
Heavy heart.

Through my worries it slinks in.
My hopes are beaten
To a thick dry pulp in my heart.
Dully, I sit heavy heavy.

Movement is all impossible.
I am a marionette with cut strings.
Rough and tattered curls.
Ripped and torn dress.

Stoic, so so stoic, yet searching.
Where is the light that once was?
Alone in this mire, I shed my tears.
Secluded and rotting in self pity.

There are no maps, no decisions.
I am lost without guidance
In this game of life limbo.
I don't know when I'll leave.

This is my own prison.

The click of the finished record,
The shuffling from my rabbit's cage,
These sounds make me remember,
And then the depression seeps in.

You have made me stress and anxious.
I am balancing my life on toothpicks
Around you and past you.
The only truth is what you know.

The stubborn lies that you've,
Told yourself will bring you
Down forever, repeatedly,
Until you're drunk with fury at the world.

Flames of lost loved ones
Will constantly surround you
And cage you from the outside
Which is the only place you now want.

There, in this desperation,
You will know why I cried
Into your cold chest and tore
At your back with tired fingers.

You will realize, why I would
Constantly writing you pleads.
There, I was in your arms,
Begging you to please grow.


Grow as a human.
Become a calm mind.
Listen to wisdom.
And take joy in life.

The taste of beer tripping
on his breath and lips
Was intoxicating enough.
My nostrils swooned and
My eyelids drooped.
I put my face to his chest and breathed.
I slid into his iris and danced there.
It was comfortable.
In his bed.
We fell into each other.
And our bodies fit together
We rolled through the night;
This place became familiar and bitter.

Looking for validation
Like dog that was reprimanded
I wander around to different hands
Placing my muzzle under their fingers
Just give me a pat.
Show me I am loved.
Just rub my nose.
I need your touch.

The sunflowers are yanked from my grasp.
The only spot of sunlight I see,
Is through the slivers of your finger cracks.
I am choked and dragged below,
To this dank tunnel.

Countless times do I find myself,
Crawling through this thick mud,
Escaping from the gollum,
Ring in hand and throat intact,
I run through the forest.

These trees know my path and struggle.
They sway and change my vision.
Thick bows and strands of their leafy vines,
Slap against my back like the whips
Of condemnation.

I am free,
But this time,
Full of the aches of your pain,
Inflicted through my body,
Telling of my immanent captures.

The World does not see you for who you are.
The World sees you as naive meat
to **** on and bones to crack,
Fingers to snap and eyeballs to steep.

We are the ingredients of **** stew.
The garnish on top are the dreams,
The hopes, the high stars, and the shine.
We are the slaves to the Fathers.

Turning the wheel and choking on bread,
We are the broken and hopeless.
Never run, never feel the sun.
There's no white beginning.

Stuck in the sidewalk cracks
Under old Rots' heels and toes,
We will wilt like weeds growing
In the grunge of crumbling cities.

So to calm our tears and abide our fears,
We lift a bottle to cheer and fate.
Pop a pill to escape our hate
And bring a daze of past worlds.

There, in our crevices and rifts,
Our molded eyes will mar all future
Like all we've been taught to uphold
Will decay, façades will melt away.

Eventually, there will be no chains.
There will be no choking.
There will be no greed or want.
Blood will never flow and hate will have no go.
There will be no rust.
There will be no spoiled.
This world will be a pasture
With rivers of milk and honey.

Dear Little Ana,
Her mother is dead.
She hallucinates her
Walking around the head
of her bed.

Dear Little Ana,
Hated her father.
That is why
She poisoned his water.

Dear Little Ana,
has no one to love her,
only her sisters
& mute grandmother.

I crave your touch.
Just rub my nose.
Show me I am loved.
Just give me a pat.
Placing my muzzle under their fingers,
I wander around to different hands
Like a dog reprimanded
Looking for validation.

Swollen bellies and bruised hips,
Rolling into the celestial waves
Of black velvet and diamond eyes.
We are transported away to dream.

Dancing through the poppy fields,
I find metallic harmony,
Played upon the strings of copper.
The curls of ivory trapping fingers.

The Mother of Pearl, whispering,
Says in sweet melodic tone,
"A rabbit is a curious, but timid man,
Formed to teach a lesson to the proud."

She then quixotically bated her lashes,
Took a drag of her scent and blew,
The billows of smoke waved across
And the sky melted to dripping words.

Trying to define yourself.
Through other things like art that you like.
Or music.
Or books.
Somehow.
Everyone finds a fit.
They can describe themselves
through these mediums.
I can't even describe myself
through my own words.
I can't even speak clearly.
I trip. Trip. Trip up on what I try to say in everyday conversation.
Anxious. Anxious. Anxiety wells in my throat.
I'll draw a blank.
I feel empty.
Like a nobody.
Worthless shell.
With nothing to say.
I just don't really have an opinion.
I am one of those.
But who are those?
Is there more like me?
Stuck without a way to express oneself.
Except through acting like others?
I'll take on your face.
Your hair.
Your walk.
Your motions and mannerisms.
Let me wear your mask.
I am the ultimate sponge borrowing your books.
Listening to your music.
Eating your foods.
And finding your favorites to be mine as well.
I am the ultimate façade.
A faceless leech with nothing to say.
I will bring nothing to your table because you do not accept me.
I am too easily bored to stay long anyway.
So there I'll go.
I'll just wander around.Soaking up your life.
And leaving a trail behind of every mask I've worn.
"I am just a copy of a copy of a copy."

Dear distant lover,
You are my strength.
You are my hope.

The dark seems to be closing in,
I find your shapes and colors.

Bring me from my hovel
To your castle.
Be my savoir and be my lover.

It's been years
Since I've felt
your admiring touch.
It's been ages
Since I've felt
your rapturous love.

While your fingers wrap
Around another's heart,
Mine is pulled
From the still attached strings.

Don't forget my love.
Don't forget my face.
Don't forget my touch.

The light's too dim
To see your face.
Our lives are too grim
To see grace.

As we go on
We learn to know
That love is a child
You have to let grow

You nurture and water
With blood and with tears.
You slap, slip and swallow
Down foolish fears.

The world keeps turning,
Without us it goes.
And into the dark
We fall into snow.

Cold winter's embrace
Will take us away.
And all of our sorrows,
Rest and stay.

Let love seep in
To the heart hard and broken,
And listen to soft words,
That are just barely spoken.

As we go on
We learn to know
That love is a child
You have to let grow

You nurture and water
With blood and with tears.
You slap, slip and swallow
Down foolish fears.

jingle clank jingle clank
Money in the bank
more like in my pocket
because I don't have a wallet

clack tap clack tap
The shoe ******* my shin
makes no noise,
but my soles
have their destined doles

Knots and fakes and bellyaches.
I feel like I am acting.
Let me take away my mask,
and let you see me crying.

Who am I?
But who are you?
Two in the same but different.
I was choked and you were stroked.
While choking could have served you.

Take this leash from 'round my neck,
And let me tie you rightly.
I hold your fear and cry your tears,
While you go dancing nightly.

Calm the skies and rolling seas,
As I bite back my tears.
I'll rest here on my broken knees,
And serve your wish for years.

Realizing one has ugly thoughts,
Is freeing and yet imprisoning.
Although one ultimately has control
Of one's brain,
The random, wicked idea
Somehow slips between
The cracks of sanity
And adds temptation to cruelty.

But the idea is choked on.
My throat closed around the air
Of the words to be spoke,
And I am mute with no emotion.
I am the ***** villain
Stealing your peaceful dreams at night
Creeping in alley's shadows.
My hands are the claws
Grasping at your children.

The crisp white linens
On the strand of innocence
Become soaked with my passing.
I am sully.
Unfit to be of your kin,
Forever marred
By the shame of my lazar-like thoughts
Sick with the tetter of the mind.

I want to punch the walls.
I want to feel the bugs crawl
Down from the cracks
Over my spine

And that sickening fit,
It swells up inside,
Until it spills over,
Screams and cries.

"I'll throw you to the curb!"
I yelled while tears
poured down my eyes.
"Just leave me.
Just let me die!"

"If you can't accept
All of my sweet love,
Then how could I marry
This torture and crime?"

And I chased him,
Down the dark road,
Until I couldn't even
See his pale neck.

"Good riddance!"
Then the rivers poured,
My heart bled,
And I fell down to my knees.

The Earth spun and
There in the middle of the road,
I wept, and I called
To the Heavens and to Hell.

"Bring me the love I need!
Lords knows! He can tell!
I've turned my back on you,
And the world for this hate."

The rot in my chest,
And all the pain that I felt,
Was lifted away,
There, I watched it melt.

It flew from my weeping eyes
And torn open heart.
The tar and rot danced
But I winced seeing it part.

That was the key
To my joy and my light.
Maybe one day, I hoped,
Would return my sweet knight.

Bitter tea, sour lips.
There it is,
Sitting in your mouth,
And you take the leap,
And you swallow it down.

And now you're abusing.
You're trying to wash away,
The pain and regret,
But all it will ever do,
Is add a masked layer.

There, on the floor,
Lying naked and torn,
Your body turns into sun,
But the ache is still there,
Rotting your teeth and brain.

There is no escape,
Face the pain.
"I want to hide!"
You cry.
"I want to disappear."

"How can I go on?
Living like this here.
All I feel is sickness,
And the disgust,
That you cry."

I swear that I love you,
And that I never lie.

I am too far away.
Floating above you.
Away from you.

Never have I held a hand.
Never have I felt love.
There's a difference.

Unspoken and alien.
I cannot look.
Your eyes burn.

My breath smells.
It keeps you at length
You haven't really kissed me.

No one plays with my hair.
No one caresses my face.
No one holds my body.

A young child playing by herself.
Forever stuck in herself.
Forever apart from friends.

Never loving.
Never affectionate.
Never there.

You will never hold my hand.
You will never hold my heart.

You are my rising and my setting sun,
but also the moon shine of my night.
Without your love I am lost
Gripping the ground, hoping for direction.

You are my thorn but also my water.
An unquenched earth without you.
And when your love shows upon me,
The ground breaks forth with rich blood.

Dashing, running, hopping and flipping,
Into the walls, bars, boxes, and bowls.
Heart beating, pounding, racing, trapped.
There is no where to dig, no where to climb.

I am a weak and feeble creature,
Bred to your consumption of entertainment.
I will continue to beg, for I have no pride.
I do not know my name, a thing surreal,
But the step of your foot is a name enough.

Freedom! Let me feel the length of my legs.
I am choked where there is not land.
The bars become a desperate chew,
And the clatter you hear is my mute cry.

Clenched jaw.
Tense body.
I am chained to a dream
That travels into my memory.

The ashes in the closet
They speak to me in a child's voice
Innocent and silvery voice.
They are calling me to listen.

Listen to her story.
The rush of greys grab
My hears from her tales.
And my body tightens.

Not only am I bound,
But so is the metallic voice
In the closet that begs
Through joyful salutations.

My bowels ache and visage
Will cringe with pain.
Set me free!
My body will not budge.

Tighter and tighter wound
Is the web shining web
Cast in the same chain
As her ashes in the closet.

Still glowing is the silver light
Upon my bedroom table.
It begs me to follow and To free.

...Everthing
to do
Anything.


I don't want to budge.
I don't want to care,
But everyone is
Pushing me there.

"Won't you just
Give a ****?!"
They cry to me.
I can hear it,
Growling beneath their hearts.

"Nope."
For once this is my life,
And I decide to give a ****
When I **** well please.

I don't miss you, but I am sorry.
You're a week weeping willow with no spine.
I have grown strong roots and am nourished naturally by love.
You are a sick remembrance of a hurting past I no longer seek.

And even without my current gardener,
I now have the tools to withstand a storm.
While you would only topple and grapple at my limbs,
Bringing me down to your own weakness.
Yet, it pains me to ask this of you,
Leave me be in my happiness.

Hysterical cries and thrashing limbs,
The road I chose is difficult to climb.
And you are not by my side to guide.
The wound left behind,
Makes breathing sour.

The dull knife shoved between my ribs,
Deep into my heart,
Is still leaking poison through my corpse.
And I stumble.

I trip upon every rock and in every crack.
The wind bends through my pores,
And all I can feel is the chill loneliness.
The ache of emptiness.

My invitation, turned down,
Due to your ***-like qualities.
The ones that I loved and endured.
My call to love, bleeding
From the very heart that you stabbed.

Dropping, hitting, clunking,
Like a stone falling into the stomach.
All day long, it jumps and sinks.

Your indifference stings
Worse than my blisters,
And worse than your hate.

And like a child,
I cling to your side
And look in your eyes.

I am searching for love,
And acceptance,
But all I see is a blur.

All you show me
Is your disgust,
And all I feel is sorrow.

Why do I remain attached?
Love is the lock
To these gagging binds.

Everything I do is gross to you.
My whole existence
is gross to you.

"Mostly."

When petals fall and leaves are dry,
I weep for their ending.
When birds don't sing and deer won't prance,
My heart begins to ache.

Try not to worry so,
Rebirth will come and life will grow,
The earth is only sleeping.
Through the slumber deep and tender,
Nature does her workings.

For time will pass and sun will shine,
Moist soils open proudly.
Through their holes and demi souls,
New spirits dance with life on their backs,
And carry honey promise.