Dear people who tell me that this isn't real.


I am not obsessed with my ******* phone.
Maybe I look at it every thirty seconds because it makes me feel better to see it light up and there be a message waiting for me that will make me happier than sitting and having you scream at me ever will maybe
Maybe just maybe
Maybe you shouldn't tell me this relationship isn't real because I text her and don't talk to her
You don't know why I can't speak when she's around it's because I'm too busy staring at her lips trying to catch her gaze and knowing in my heart she's doing the same and dear people who tell me I can't have a relationship through words  and solitary one two binary code here's a thought for you
Why don't you go make yourself gay
Why don't you go sit in a living room bursting from the seams from all the hate all the silence you can't hear why don't you go tell your parents you've got your first girlfriend and
Here's a thought for you
Try to take the weird looks from your own mother and father
Try to take in the "you're too young you couldn't possibly know what you're talking about you haven't even had *** with a guy yet" like I've gotta somehow bend my body to fit in with a gender I don't partake in I shy away from you like I have to make myself uncomfortable just to prove to you--you!--that I love her.
And dear people who tell me I can't have a relationships through dial tones and vibrations
Maybe I'm just sitting here waiting on my phone because I can't physically see her because of you and the only thing we could come up with without losing each other's fingertips in the process was text messaging
Dear people who tell me that my relationship is different from yours because I word it differently
Maybe I text her because every time I blink at her and reach for her hand it's another person looking at us weird maybe we can't even be alone in the same room together maybe it's because I turn around and my mother is staring daggers into the backs of my head thinking that my girlfriend is filthy because she wears boys shirts and crops her hair short.
Guess what mommy
I look like her too
I look like her too
I look like her too
I have known her for months. I have seen her twice and maybe I couldn't contain myself then maybe I started crying as we ran from everyone and
Dear people who tell me that my love isn't valid because I send it instead of whisper it
You have never
Learned the mechanics of how to tell someone you love them
That spelling out the you and the love in I love you translates  into I feel so much pain for you but shortening it means I wanna see you again even if you cry
You have never cried from happiness at a ringtone
You have never checked your phone and blushed because she's still telling you goodnight an hour after the sun of your happiness has set
You have never spent three full minutes sweating over what to send don't tell me this isn't valid because
I know her better than I can say my own name
I know her better than I can say my own name
I know her better than I can say my own name
I know her reactions I know what she's typing before she sends it don't tell me this isn't real because my chest gets warmer then colder at every typo she makes
Because her hands are shaking
Because she's drunk
And I know every move she makes before she tells me she makes it
You cannot tell me that this isn't real because you haven't read every word of her screaming
Bottle to neck to floor to neck to lips you have never
Typed out the words
I'm drunk so help me god
I am drunk and it's because of you but I won't say so
I won't type that
Because even though it leaves a permanent mark three tiny one syllable electronic footprints on the pavement of our reality you have never seen the mistakes we make when we can't see right write the pain it will not go away and my friends
Oh god
My friends
Don't get me started on my friends
Do not tell me do not ******* tell me that my friends love me any less because we email more than we talk.
You have never gotten one picture then two of your friends wrists bleeding
You've seen it on arms but up close where you can touch it where there's no watermark of first "hey what's up look what I've done" you don't know what it's like to have the same picture to look at
Over
And over
And over again
There's no going back after you send it and maybe that's a negative
But the people in my inbox saved my life more than you created it or caused reason for it to be on the line
Those people in my contacts know me better than you do
Those people know me better than you do
Those people know me better than you do
And just because I come home every night after spending as much time as I can on my phone and away from you doesn't mean that you have to
cling to my words and every spare piece of what you know about my life
Just because I like to tell people more things about myself than I tell you doesn't mean that you can read every conversation with my back turned and pretend like nothing's wrong
You read a suicide note I sent to a friend living three thousand miles away. You read every word
You didn't say anything but to ask me what her name was and do I know how dangerous this is
Do I know how dangerous this is
Do I know how dangerous this is
Do I know how dangerous this is

The answer is yes
But I'm still walking the fine line around you
Between disgust and validation
And this is my only chance to say
That this is more real than anything you will ever have.

Sometimes during the night
When I wake up frozen in terror with your
name clutched in my throat
It tend to think of you.
And how it used to be and how
Now there's a whole other person (a whole other person) out there who knows more
About me than
I know about
Myself.
Did it hurt, I wonder
Did it hurt when you broke my heart?
Because I did believe you when you said that
We shared ourselves with each other--
Piece by bitter
Piece
we cried we couldn't leave each other
Broken promises and 'don't tell anyone' whispered in the dark.
But you called me on New Years and we only listened to each other's breath we
Felt each other's presence but how far does that go?  
And I'm sorry I can't recognize when I'm
Being clingy, it's just the way I act when I'm around you
I'm sorry for thinking you were all but drastic
And I'm sorry I cried when I went home I'm sorry I
I'm sorry I'm me, and I'm sorry you lied when you said you loved me
But this was the first time for me
This will be
This will be an enigma and
I still can't accept that you just disappeared because
People don't fade that fast from my memory, I'm sorry.
But from the inside
I was hoping you'd hug me or at least
At least tell me
Tell me it'd be okay
Instead of making a promise you had no intention of keeping.

you only like the long version of your name and you

like old hats and you

watch old british shows and you

have cats and you

spend all day in your room cause you

dont like your family and you

and your mother used to be close before she

drank herself to the hospital and told only you

when she knew she was dying because she only trusted you

because you

loved her and you

like to be alone and you

have a hideaway you

said you'd take me to but you

never mentioned it again.



you spend your weekends with your dad and your

favorite color is blue because you

said that was the color of my eyes and you

told me i was real then you kissed me you

hugged me tight and told me to never give up you

told me you dont like the way you

look with glasses you

like old 80's rock and you

want to join the military and you

dont have any money and you

think i care about that but

you should know i dont and never will.



you never responded when I said I loved you because you

dont believe in love but you

said you believed in me but you

dont even know me anymore because you

stopped speaking to me when you

knew you

were the only person i could ever talk to.



and you held my heart in your hands and then you

drove off 334.5 miles to our last breath and you

told me you missed me and you

left me here waiting and you

cant even begin to comprehend because you

cry yourself to sleep you

say you think of me but how far does that go you

said you would never forget me but do you

understand that i would forgive you

if you

did?



you

you said we were crazy you

said we were different you

said you liked it that way you

hate football and you

like surfing and you

like the nighttime before dawn and you

like Christmas best but you

spent it alone but you

dont know i was there with you

for every second of it.



you said never to doubt it and you

laughed when i blushed but then you

left me again and you

dont know how much that hurts you

called me on new years and we didnt talk but you

you said you

liked it when we

could hear each others breath and we

knew

we were both there.