I was an afterthought.
A question
A doubt
A maybe
A someday
An eventually
An I'm not ready.

I felt safe with you.
can you believe that kind of ******* irony
you were home
even when you locked me out
even when I smashed your windows
and you still wouldn't let me in
you were a light at the end of the tunnel
even when you were the ******* tunnel
even when I bled from your wrists
even when the all six shots never missed
even when the only piece of you left to hurt was me
even when you hurt me
you were safety.

now I keep thinking how you feel in his arms
I hope he is a house that will never be home
I hope he never ever writes you a poem
I hope he can't **** the emptiness out of you
I hope he can never make you feel as happy as I do
I hope you miss me every ******* day
I hope you know that you will remember me as the one that got away
Because I ******* am

I am not an afterthought.
I am an answer.
a first choice.
an only option.
a right now.
I am the light at the end of the tunnel
I am the one you couldn't regret leaving any more.
I am closing your door.

I drank to your eyes
and your smile
to the freckle on your left shoulder
your fingers stretching forward into mine
or running through my hair.
I drank to your lips
and that stupid *** grin
to your peace and your patience
or the lack thereof.
I drank to your absence
on every inch of my skin
itching like bug bites
but not wanting to make a scar
you were just a girl
I kept reminding myself.
I didn't drink to anything else
I didn't think to
this skin has renewed
I didn't think to
it's never been touched by you
I didn't think to
by your filthy ******* hands
I didn't think to
I didn't let you make a scar
I didn't think to
when you finally did
I didn't drink to you.

write me fireworks
write me sunsets
and butterflies
write me your first cup of coffee in the morning
write me early mornings
and late nights
write me your brother
                 your son
                 your uncle
                 your cousin
                 your best friend
                 your boyfriend
                 your husband
                 your lover
                 your love
write me your smile
write me your heart outside of your body
write me never missing a beat
write me necessary
write me your last hope
write me your first
write me love
write me the second half of your name
write me your shoelaces you can't quit tripping over
write me the first note you played on your out of tune guitar strings
write me the band aid to your scraped knees
write me the cure for your hiccups
write me yours

I have never met someone so incredibly irritating. She is disagreeable, and argumentative, and stubborn, and impossible to please.
When I told her I love her lips she got angry that I focus only on her beauty.
I told her that I did not only mean that they look kissable, and God, you know they do, but I love the words emitted from them when she screams at some misogynist ******* whistling at her from the slightly rolled down window of his car.
She complained that I should be yelling too.
I could propose with all of Saturn's rings and she would complain that they are secondhand.
You ask her about love, she'll tell you about heartbreak.
As would I.
But maybe we all would.
Maybe we are all sitting starry-eyed staring at the ground waiting for the wrong person to put us upright, maybe there is no right.
Maybe she is right.
Maybe Saturn's rings hang too heavy on her heartbeat, maybe all I need is to be a string wrapped around her finger while I've been tied around her neck like a noose.
Maybe she'll cut herself loose.

knowing the view next to me
was better than a dream
I stayed up
kissing the makeup off your face
blinking your lips into my horizon
now
I can't sleep
knowing your lipstick
is sitting on his bathroom counter
he will wake up
and eat my favorite breakfast
which is anything you make
even if it's burnt
I'm hungry

she warned me she was a handful
thank God I have two hands
I couldn't unhook her bra with one
she apologized
the first time I saw her naked
she said sorry for every stretch mark
said she hated her thighs,
*******,
hips
I kissed them all until it hurt my lips
and every place between
tried to make her love her body like I did
she apologized
as I watched her dress again
she wore vulnerability like an orange jumpsuit,
a bit too square for her structure,
I apologized
for knowing she is not as untouchable as she likes to think
her body,
as tattered and fallible as the heart clinging to it
is touchable

I never thought I was falling
in love with you
I only knew
how much it would hurt to let go of your hand.
I only knew
that I would never be the one to let go of your hand.
I only knew
that you would stop kissing my sun starved cheeks
I only knew
that I could never cut you off.
I only knew
how much it would hurt to let go of your hand.
I only knew
that it would hurt.