webster's dictionary defines the word human as a person. webster's dictionary also defines a person as a human being. webster's dictionary defines a word's definition with that word as another part of speech
my definition feels just as far out of reach
when you're teachin us how to think with every word you preach do not be surprised when we **** it up like leeches
why don't you teach us
some history we don't already know
the two male manicurists in the Palace of the King during the Fifth Dynasty of Egyptian pharaohs  
were in love
but I didn't learn what gay meant until my preacher spat it out
I froze
the first time I heard the word transgender
I was in sixth grade when my sister
told me she had this friend who felt like a boy
and I had to learn on my own that this body I'm in does not need to be destroyed
no one had ever taught me why my veins shook
I never read that in a textbook
despite transgender people being praised in ancient cultures throughout
the Middle East
Europe
Asia
North Africa
even though transgender people have been recorded in nearly every civilization recorded in human history
but taking History has never taught me any of my history
so it is no mystery to me why when you're asking for a definition
all I can tell you
is webster's dictionary defines the word human as a person and webster's dictionary also defines a person as a human
and I define a definition as whatever webster's tells me
and maybe that fact is the only real thing that defines me

dysphoria can be defined as a general unease or dissatisfaction, a discontent
but dysphoria
feels more like a disconnect
my heartbeat feels more like a defect
when it throbs against my shrinking ribcage I can feel that it's making a dent
dysphoria
comes from a greek root meaning "hard to bear"
it is hard to bear
****, it's hard to breathe
literally
physically
I cannot breathe
I cannot be free
dysphoria is when you have to close your eyes while you shower so you can't see
each breath shakes as it comes out of me
there is medical material clung so tightly to my body
it has become an extension of me
and nothing on me belongs to me
I am trapped beneath waves of what I can't stand to be
my body of water
feels more like an anchor
I am drowning
and you can tug at my spine but you cannot feel me
I cannot even feel me
I would do anything to make these ends meet
dysphoria grabs hastily
a current does not care your worth, it just pulls you under
dysphoria does not care if you deserve better
dysphoria is a disconnect
and I haven't found directions
to the end

all my daydreams take place at night
with your fingers in my hair
and my head between your thighs

you've got me
without you I'm not looking for any eternity
you're holding all of the Milky Way Galaxy
and too small to see, that's me
the man on your moon
couldn't be more stuck on you with glue
I'm your goon
your baby
your love
you've got all my love
with no ties left undone
every string attached
you're my match
as in a light in the dark
I don't know what I've got if not this spark
like Noah's ark
two of every creature
one of you and one of me
we'll sail away together
and know everything the world has for us to see
hear
feel
taste
I can't find my senses
it's a rigged race
and we're winning
baby
it had to be you and me from the beginning

everyone you meet takes something away from you
let it be a smile
or a helping hand
or a lesson
or your wallet or car keys
but please don't let it be your self esteem
we put our most valuable possessions in the hands of strangers
you don't have to pickpocket a ribcage to take the beating heart inside, it is wide open
yours for the taking
please handle it gently
please don't let me
reach in and take you out
you are worth so much more than a whistle as you walk down the street
you are worth so much more than the robbery you are about to meet
please
give up your purse
or your credit cards
or your social security number
give away time and space and energy
give away love and wisdom and patience
give away the best you have to offer
but don't give yourself away
don't hinder to what anyone has to say
lock your ribcage and hide the key,
do not give it to anybody
only unlock it to check that it still beats
unlock yourself to others only on your own territory
give away your house
your jewelry
your computer
you cell phone
give away everything else
but keep yourself

I used to steal cigarettes from a pack paid
for with my own money from my parents
closet just to gain the slight satisfaction of
how they felt between my fingers
I have never been a quitter
and I don't intend to begin with this
the first night we were together I left a bruise on your thigh
don't you see
I was just marking my territory
baby
I promise
I do not think you are owned by me
but baby,
please belong to me
I know these hands aren't always steady but
they will always try their best to keep you upright
they will always try
until the night I can say it hurts more than it nurtures
but right now
I don't hurt at all
I'm not giving up with every ounce of courage my cold, sweaty palms can muster
do not give up with all of your nurture
with all of your nature
it is human nature
to run now as fast as far as your feet can take you
but now I'm standing still as a statue
trying my best to come true
as a prayer
as a dream
as a wish
I will do my best
to work
and if it doesn't
it will hurt
but every word it was absolutely worth

it has been a week since you tried to die.
and I don't know if my body will ever recover because
you wanted your blood on my hands
but all I can feel is your pills pulsing through my veins
my heart hasn't steadied in days
and I'm not doing anything to make it anymore

you never loved me back.

and you can swear to me that it isn't true but it is
this isn't what love does
I thought you were love
I thought you were a band aid
or duct tape
or a seatbelt
or a map
or a lifejacket
but you are not a lifejacket
you are that huge ******* sea
swallowing me whole
you're afraid of the ocean
but you don't know a fear like this
maybe that's why the ocean scares you
maybe its too reflective
maybe you always knew you were going to do this
it's been so easy for you to forget you were all I knew I had

you never loved me back.

a week ago you tried to die.
a week ago you taught me a betrayal I've never known.
a week ago I found myself without a home.
I will never be able to come home again.
you will never be my home again.
I will never know home