i am wearing a purple sweater
and leggings
i love leggings
i love feeling like fall
it feels like waking up, unscripted
it smells like halloween
not to chilly
but chilly enough to crave hot apple cider
and a blanket and a blazing fire
i want to be watching the holiday
with a book next to me - not being read
there for comfort
mom yells in from the kitchen
“the chicken soup is done”
i knew that. i have been eating the celery out of the soup for hours
she brings be a mug of chicken soup
with rice or pasta. no parsley.
only grandma serves it with parsley.
grandmas is more hearty
rice and pasta, peas, leeks.
moms is comforting, natural
no salt, whole celery, carrots and onions
made from a hen, not a chicken
but, shh, that is the secret that nobody knows

is it faith or is it life?
is the humanization of god in correlation with my loved ones who watch over me?
is it weird that i believe nanny and poppy and grandpop watch over me but i cant grasp the conceptualization of god?
maybe because it is confirmed that they are concrete beings whom i loved, and loved me.
is that a different believed concept?
when something is bad that is reality.
when something is good, someone is watching out for me.
it is said that god watches over us, protects us, forgives us, and comforts us.
that is what our parents do. and they are concrete beings.
that is also what i have always believed nanny to do.
i always think she is with me. poppy and grandpop too.
like the guy at subway with the stamp
that was poppy.
he always had random little things when anyone needed them.
like pocket tissues in his back pocket or lifesaver breath mints in his shirt pocket, next to a pen.
or when things work out in really good timing. irony.
when i need to be strong, honest, and self abiding,
thats grandpop.
he taught me to be strong willed and that life is what you make it
and all of the things on this earth that are beautiful,
is nanny.
every bit of warmth i feel on my body from the sun
every breeze that doesn’t give me a chill
every perfect summer night with every perfect summer sky
every sip of red wine and every handful of m&ms;
all of these people raised my mom.
so she is here. in their form.
carrying on their traditions and their ways
that must be the circle of life.

I tried so hard to reach you
But I can’t seem to break through
You continue to keep
Falling
The harder I try
The faster you fall
I’m ready to
Give up on you
I don’t know what else to do
It’s like I’m screaming
And you hear me, but you aren’t listening to me
You love the lies you tell yourself
And your mind thinks they are true
Because of how much you repeat them
Aloud and in your head
How dangerous.
You feel trapped
Not knowing what to do
So many things go wrong
But what you don’t get
Is under the shapeless words and I’m sorry’s
You know the real truth
You can fix your wrongs
And make them right
It seems that so much has gone wrong
That you are giving up
But it’s the wrong time for that
You tell yourself that I don’t care about you anymore
Yet another one of those lies
Cause if that was the truth
I wouldn’t still be around
You and I are living proof
That love is real
That love exists
But we’re also proof
That nothing is perfect
You get what you earn
You get out the same amount you put in
And right now
You are experiencing the cold truth
You have
No job
No money
No pride
No self confidence
No trust
From anyone
Is that how you want to live?
Seriously think.
Pay check by pay check
Bill by bill
Excuse after excuse
Borrowing knowing you can’t return
Being lucky as hell
To have just enough
Think.
Because as of right now
Your words mean nothing
Unless there is an action to back them up
I always say
“I’ll believe it when I see it”
And a cliché that fits
Actions speak louder than words
It’s true.
I wish for you to do better
I help you all I can
But I ran out of sympathy
I’m sorry.
And I’m not sure what to do
You should stop telling me that I need to prove myself to you
Because it is most definitely the other way around
I have never done anything
That would make you not trust me
I don’t break my promises
And I don’t forget about you, ever.
And now, I am killing myself from the inside out
For now, forget that you have me
And your mother
And your grandparents
And ryan
And all you have now is you
All your luck has run out
I don’t know what I’ve been doing all this time
There’s so much I feel you’ve stolen from me
Time
Money
Feelings
Tears
Effort
And don’t get me wrong
I have expressed/given you all of that out of my love for you
But I feel drained.
I feel like even when I have nothing
You continue to pry.
And that frustrates me deeply
I don’t want to feel this way
And you can’t change for anyone but yourself
I feel scarred.
I can’t keep thinking
Wondering
Worrying
WHEN?
When will you change?
And keep a job
And get your life to where it should be
And be able to be independent?
And be free of borrowing, pills, and everything else you need
If you live the life you’ve lead
You’ll never get to what’s in store for you
You were dealt a certain hand
And you need to make decisions based on that
Not on what you think should have happened.
History repeats itself
And when I say be careful
I really mean it.
And please, when I talk about my past
Don’t get mad, and say “sweet”
Cause it means something to me
Which you need to respect
Ryan and I go way back
He’s my best guy friend
And even though it’s unfortunate he’s your little brother
How do you think he feels?
About you being his older brother
In this situation
Just think about the fact that
Things that don’t matter to you
Could mean a whole a lot to someone else
If it weren’t for ryan, I probably wouldn’t know you
Think about that maybe
Life is more then us.
My life can go beyond you.
I seem to keep telling myself
I’m done
And If so,
I won’t be around the drugs
And the lies
And the emotional obliteration
That has worn me down
We fight so much
Because I have lost all tolerance
I am no longer a pushover.
You are never going to win this war
Because you don’t understand
I’m not against you.
I’m trying to help you
And you just use me for support
You just think everyone around you
Will make up for your laziness
Poor decisions
And lack of effort to do anything
Things won’t just fall into place
You have to make things happen
On your own.
There are so many obstacles you face
But some you create
Inebriating yourself is IMMATURE.
It doesn’t make the problems go away
Or make reality disappear
And when it wears off
You are right back to where you were
And how you were feeling
Is it really worth it?
It makes you look like a coward
Dependant
And helpless
But you’re more than that
When you blow coke
And smoke ***
And whatever else you do
And you lied to me and I didn’t find out
That’s no accomplishment
Cause you can’t fool yourself
And you can’t fool god
Under exaggerating the bad things you do
Doesn’t make it right
Or better
Or more okay because you only did a little bit, a couple times, maybe.
Don’t tell me you stopped smoking cigs because it will make me happy
Tell me when you have really done it
Because it should make you happy
And proud
You can’t careen through life
Just doing enough to survive
Doesn’t cut it.
Through these months
You’ve done just enough to keep me here
I am all that you have worked for
I look at you in distressing anger
Everything you do affects me
Mentally
Physically
And emotionally
I have a notion
That you are afraid to ask for help
Besides money
I can’t see you not succeed
I’m just that kind of person
I don’t need tangible items
And gifts
And to be spoiled to know you love me
Wealth means nothing to me
Don’t try to buy me back into loving you
So baby please
Live your life to its fullest
Do everything to your full potential
And just please get your **** together
Because I don’t want to see us apart
And I know you can do it
I have full faith in you
And you always tell me
How I am the only one that matters
And only my opinion counts
I need you to put in a truthful endeavor
Your love for me emanates from your smiles
And hugs
And kisses
And I don’t want to lose it
So for our sake
And for the safety of your future
THINK.
Take these words
And think about them
Cause I may forgive you one last time
You have had too many chances
And have completely ****** them all up.
Really think about what you are doing when the time comes to make a decision
And don’t make them because of me
Make them because you feel that even though its not what you may want
It’s what you have to do
To help yourself get out of being used to no daily routine
And dependence on others
And be a new
Independent
Clean
Successful
Happy
Mentally and emotionally stable
And most important
Be you.
I love you Justin Hurley Aronica
And I will love you forever
But it’s solely up to you
Whether or not I will be able to share my love with you
I didn’t know what love was
Until I met you
And now that we have experienced this deviation
I know what true love is
And it can’t be demised.

i hate to say goodbye
there is nothing i would trade
colors bleeding in the sky

blithely we did not comply
needing a way to persuade
i hate to say goodbye

i patiently wait for his reply
watching the sunset fade
colors bleeding in the sky

we both let out a huge sigh
we held hands, so brave
i hate to say goodbye

the kinneret air is warm and dry
you are all i crave
colors bleeding in the sky

one more day id like to buy
i whisper your name into the waves
i hate to say goodbye
colors bleeding in the sky

This was once a love poem, before it found itself lost and unstable, lying, quiet and alone, on the sand, looking to the stars for answers, and using the resonance of the waves colliding with the shore for proverbial comfort. It remembers itself happy and certain, engaged in a simple routine, a commitment. Allowing strong independence, but being heavily depended on. Laced fingers and mixed berries, green grass and loud music, it was all too hazy.  It grew wary of another’s addictive personality and insecure state of mind. It longed to be needed, not taken care of, and soon realized it had been taken for granted all along. It became aware of a twisted confidence and loss of life; a strong compulsion and a weak effort to transpose. The feeling of concern came to a demise. It now finds itself caught in a tristful temper, in a state of confusion, suddenly ready to face the world again.

high point. consistent. bat **** crazy. summer. warmth. sun. beach. boy. this boy.

first warm day for the windows of my car to be open, for flip flops to be worn, for jeans and a tee appropriate attire, and for reggae to be blasting through my speakers. at the point at which is intense enough to fool my mind and my body into thinking and feeling summer. its the moment i appreciate everything around me. it feels magical that no matter how harsh winter was,  spring comes and that no matter how unstable anything in my life is, the seasons will keep changing. ive felt that same magical first warm day feeling for 20 years and for every year i live to experience the cycle of seasons, i will feel that magic. nature is the most stable instability. it may rain when we predict sun, but the rain will stop and there will be a day of sun indefinitely.  

sometimes i think i am working toward accepting  the absurdity of life. working to create relationships with a preconceived notion that they will fail. i escape my misery by caring for other people and recreating childhood memories because that was the last time i lived everyday of my life without going over the conceptualization of hate, lack of innocence,  and constant dissatisfaction.

over the last few months i have realized that there is no way to stop the perpetuation of *******, prevent me or anyone else from getting hurt, i have to live in this moment. and be happy in this moment. which i have managed to do quite well these days. with these friends. and this boy. and this homework. and this haircut. and this cold wind. everything just keeps going.

there is no god. the concept of healing and living is people, community, and yourself.

feeling purposeful is nothing but appreciating nature and your surroundings. i feel like an asset to the world when i sit in the woods and look around and fall in love with the creek, the swaying trees i am sitting under, and the sky so blue.

like vivid art that is created... and colors purposely mixed making insane shades and images. but outside of the art i am living inside the world the art is based off of. how ******* amazing is that? people look at paintings and think, how beautiful, how serene, how naturally extraordinary. but those people don’t take the time to open their eyes to the world the paper images are based upon, the world they live in and take for granted.

our brains are amazing. humans underestimate our brains immensely. our brains retain things - memories, songs, morals, mistakes, our whole lives. we are in college, frustrated and stressed because we cant bring ourselves to study, or we do poorly on a test. but in reality our brains retain the information linked to sight, sound, smell, touch and taste. remembers every little thing and sends it to the front of your brain when you need it.

the real problem in this world is engaging in life. not changing the huge problems like haiti or starving children in africa. those problems are easier to grasp and talk about. but what about the homeless man you see right in front of you?  people have to stop trying to changing the world and try to change what is right in front of them, affecting them and the people they are surrounded by. what about the animals who are becoming extinct? so many people are worried about them. how the **** are you going to claim to be an activist and protect all those little creatures? we relate ourselves to other people other wild animals and pets, because they look like us. they have eyes, they have noses, they have lips, and they live in families. but what about rivers and trees and leaves on the ground in fall all together living side by side needing sun and oxygen just like us. but getting your head around the concept of living green seems unreachable. we cant sleep. we cant stop eating. we cant stop drinking. we cant stop ******* consuming.

It may physically destroy your body
But it can’t slay your spirit
It can emotionally obliterate your mind
But it won’t affect your soul
It can worry your loved ones
But it won’t **** friendships
It could weaken your abilities
But it will not suppress your memories
It might lessen your bravery
But it shouldn’t silence your courage
It may **** your cells
But it can’t invade your soul
It will frighten your family and friends
But it will not take away their love
It can subside your faith
But it will only make you further appreciate life
It will make you stop focusing on the negatives
And start bringing the positives to your attention
You will overcome temporary setbacks
And become a stronger person
You will look forward to each new day
And stop worrying about the bad ones
You won’t over look natures beauty
And you will appreciate sunrises, sunsets and thunderstorms
You’ll step off of the shore line and into the ocean
And feel exhilarated, like that’s the only feeling you want to feel
Cancer might lessen your bravery
But you can’t let it silence your courage

love is complicated.
there are a million different kinds of love, and a million ways to feel it.
there are no rules or guidelines, and it is impossible to verbalize exactly how your mind and your body, your head and your heart, suddenly feel alined.

love brings out the comfort in my thoughts and my feelings.

love is dangerous because it clouds our ability to make healthy decisions using our own intuition. seeing the good amongst all of the bad is human nature. that is instilled in us from birth. second chances, forgiveness, seeing the other side of things.

but ironically enough, it almost always leads me into a dark tunnel. part of growing up and learning to love is achieving a balance in judgement of character. and knowing yourself well enough to be confident in your judgement.

i’d rather over analyze everything than be oblivious to the obvious. i go over every detail, taking each one for what its worth, and then put them all together for one rational conclusion. but this time, with this boy, there is no rational conclusion. i have been up all night, thinking about love. i think i’ve felt it. but i’m trying to figure out, firstly. if it has to be mutual. and if you can fool yourself into thinking you feel something so intense and how people fall out of love. and why, even when you’re completely rejected from the one you love, how you can still feel it. and how you can be blinded by it. and how there are love songs that profess so much of it. and if the love in the world is the same as it was years ago, since old love songs are so real. and so touching. and so - classic. do people feel love like that anymore? is it societal or technological? did the fact that up until a certain point in history... lovers wrote letters, and couldn’t have the impulsive instant gratification people are awarded with today have anything to do with it? but years ago men would go away to war, and their wives would love them through it all, as long as they lived. and how come people say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but typically distance makes everything harder?

how do we know what is real?