I am the blood in my veins
I am the beat of my heart
I am the bones under my skin
And I need to see what I am

So I watch as the blood fills the bath
And I feel the beating of my heart for the first time.
And I open my skin to see the whites of my bones
And I not only touch, but feel everything

And now that I know what I am
I am gone.

"Old man, please listen to my tale
   for someone needs to hear
The store of a girl with lies so dark
    and oh so many fears.

Old man this is important
    not just to me but to you.
I know you don't understand
    but trust me you will soon.

You is started with broken homes,
    which leads to single lives.
And judges and courts and child support,
    well, you knows as well as I.

The woman, she had a temper,
    and her fists and words did fly.
But she did her best with what she had,
   Boy did she try.

To fill the shoes that were much to big,
    when her feet were much too small.
Her frustration needed venting,
    call me the punching wall."

"Well little girl where was your dad,"
     he tenderly said to me.
"Well old man, I couldn't tell you,
    but maybe you could tell me."

A puzzled look did grace his face
    his features stiff and tall
So finally I asked the man
    "Do you recognize this at all?"

And I held out a picture of a babe,
    fresh from her mothers womb.
And a sign saying "Dear daddy,
    please come home from war soon"

"The war has messed me up dear child,
     for I am no one's dad."
I smiled as I said to him,
   "I know sir, I understand.

But you can't blame this on the war
   for we did meet again
Because I used to visit
   until you left to follow another ***** hen."

A knowing look graced his face,
    as he remembered me.
"Dear child I am sorry,
      I should have remembered thee."

"Oh it's okay old man," I say,
     "I just wanted you to know.
I have a husband now you see,
     and a family of my own

My husband, he adores the kids,
    of which there are two.
A little boy and girl, 7 and 9
    neither of which know of you.

One day I'll tell them of a man
    who had more important things to do
And then I'll point to my husband and say
   ' I didn't have a daddy like you'

And no amount of words,
   will change what is our past.
I do not seek apologies,
   I only needed to ask.

If when you go to bed at night,
   you ever think of me.
Do you ever think what you've lost,
   or did you just believe,

That we were better off alone
    and that I'd be alright.
Or were you just to busy,
    to think of me at night.

Did you remember,
   if my eyes were brown or blue.
Did ever wonder,
   If I looked like you."

"But little girl you didn't ask
    any of those today
I can answer all sufficiently
   and help you find your way."

"Old many I didn't need to ask,
     to get the answers that I seek.
For when you did not recognize
   your smile or your cheeks,

I knew that you were fine without me,
     and your reasons for being gone,
Were that you were much to busy,
     to bring a kid a long.

And I know that you don't miss me,
    for when my husband's away,
He drops down to his knees at the door,
   longing to hug his kids all day.

You did no such thing right here,
   and now I know the truth.
You were much to selfish,
   Who would need a man like you.

But before I leave, you should know,
   that I was never okay.
I always blamed myself,
   for why you didn't stay.

But thank you for the answers,
   and maybe I'll sleep tonight.
Knowing it wasn't me, but you,
   that was too weak to fight.

I'll take comfort in knowing it wasn't me,
   that pushed your love away.
You had no spare love to give,
   so I'm glad you didn't stay.

So I hope that you are happy,
   and I hope the world is kind and true.
For I am finally okay,
   knowing it was always you.

My new-cut ashlar takes the light
  Where crimson-blank the windows flare;
By my own work, before the night,
  Great Overseer, I make my prayer.

If there be good in that I wrought,
  Thy hand compell’d it, Master, Thine;
Where I have fail’d to meet Thy thought
  I know, through Thee, the blame if mine.

One instant’s toil to Thee denied
  Stands all Eternity’s offence;
Of that I did with Thee to guide
  To Thee, through Thee, be excellence.

Who, lest all thought of Eden fade,
  Bring’st Eden to the craftsman’s brain,
Godlike to muse o’er his own trade
  And manlike stand with God again.

The depth and dream of my desire,
  The bitter paths wherein I stray,
Thou knowest Who hast made the Fire,
  Thou knowest Who hast made the Clay.

One stone the more swings to her place
  In that dread Temple of Thy worth—
It is enough that through Thy grace
  I saw naught common on Thy earth.

Take not that vision from my ken;
  O, whatsoe’er may spoil or speed,
Help me to need no aid from men,
  That I may help such men as need!

Love to his singer held a glistening leaf,
And said: ‘The rose-tree and the apple-tree
Have fruits to vaunt or flowers to lure the bee;
And golden shafts are in the feathered sheaf
Of the great harvest-marshal, the year’s chief,
Victorious Summer; aye, and ’neath warm sea
Strange secret grasses lurk inviolably
Between the filtering channels of sunk reef.

All are my blooms; and all sweet blooms of love
To thee I gave while Spring and Summer sang;
But Autumn stops to listen, with some pang
From those worse things the wind is moaning of.
Only this laurel dreads no winter days:
Take my last gift; thy heart hath sung my praise.’

It's hard to keep it all together with you pulling me apart.
Crawling underneath my skin and breaking me slowly from the start.
You could have anything you wanted, and baby, so could I.
Except the thing that truly counts, that once thing... "You and I".
No matter how much I fall apart, no matter how much I cry..
I never will stop nor will I give up, because without you my reflection is but a lie.
I don't feel right, and I don't feel sane. Quite frankly I'm a *****.
But looking in your deep green eyes, my love defeats the Lich.
I feel at peace, I feel at home, nevermore have I felt secure.
The touch of your lips as you hold me close is no longer what assures.
I lay in bed, reaching for you, but your spot has long grown cold.
I'd wait a thousand years for you, if only to grow old.
It doesn't matter when or where, to see you is what matters.
I just want for you to know, without you, my love, my life just simply shatters.
I love you more than thunderstorms; unpredictable and chaotic, as am I.
I love you, regardless of the pain and the ever cloudy sky.
Words are simply powerless to tell you how I feel.
I wish that I had one last chance to show you... just how potent and how real..

read this aloud, mind the punctuation,
and, finally,
enjoy.


amethyst eyes alight with nighttime lightning, clapping lashes spark ruminations rumbling across the savannah of memory imprinting in me the afterimage of Now.   Now, Now makes me hers -- though i’m more willing a captive than she imagines: imprisoned in the present, tasting the electricity resounding in this soundless cell () deafeningly solid --
she grooves before me.
slowly rolls me
me rolls slowly  
molasses boiling tongues twisting towards me
ba-da doom ba-doom doom doom.

i don’t know if it’s the fireflies caught in midnight-amber jars suspended by strands of suicidal curls tumbling down the pitch of your back,
or
your touch, come tentatively, but nonetheless titillating, for it softly pleas me to get grounded, stay a while in the timbre of warm fireside conversation and cocoa,
or
your teacup of a navel compelling i to lift laughter, fish up reminiscences, and transcend time,
or
when you lean close and lick me with your eyelash, as if a butterfly’s kiss,
or
your soft voice smoothly singing songs of four-lettered blues .   .     .

.     .   . my god you’re gorgeous.

dance with me, Now     for two more turns of the moon let’s defy posterity and traverse the curves of each other’s words and purge our selves of self     let’s anesthetize Now, marinate in the moment, savor the silence and become sap-trapped fossils left for the future     let’s live a lifetime together in two more turns of the moon, Now,     so that I may memorize every quark of every electron of every neutron of every proton of every atom of every ion of every molecule of every cell of every sinew of every tissue of every ***** and every system of all your beauty, Now, you are perfect because you are am is and will never be anywhere else but here and nothing else but Now.

feel me?
   feel her?

      feel here?


Now.

You want to play this game? Bring on the pain.
Because I’ve been there, done that. It’s always the same:

I’m “immature” and a “spoiled brat”,
You blame me for the life you have.
Push comes to shove it’s too **** bad.

The picture perfect life you lack
Has faded to black.

You’re alone now,
You cut all your ties--
You’re chilled to the bone anyhow.
You left without so much as a “goodbye”.

Now sit and suffer the consequences
Of your own actions
And leave me in peace.

The beating vessel in my chest
Literally aches. Yours does too, I’ll bet.
But I, unlike you, am without regret.

All this wear and tear could **** if I’d let
It. But that’s the beauty of it all:
I won’t answer misery’s call.

I’m done with these foolish games.
You can sit behind your computer screen
And judge me from 3,000 miles away.
That’s perfectly fine with me.

You don’t know the person I’ve become.
I picked up all your broken pieces,
And now I’m finally done.

The last straw
Has been laid.
The price? I’ve already paid:
Countless tears and 20 years of an empty ache.

Take all you misery out on me,
Go right ahead
(I’m not listening).

And when I lay in bed
I will sleep like a baby,
Knowing you caused your own pain
And thinking, just maybe,
You'll realize all your mistakes.
Too little, too late.
I’m done.

I’ve lost my feelings for him…

All the things you’ve said…
          All the words you’ve sang…
Carried away my useless feelings
          …For him
And replaced them with useless feelings
          …For you