I will bury my
Picture in
The dark earth for
The worms to
Rip and
The dirt to
consume
My past being
Just a
Young girl with
Unwrinkled skin and
An uncomplicated smile
She is now
Dead and burried and
I am no
Longer in that
Girl's shadow

The pebbles whisper,
Foretelling my coming.
Bubbles ripple,
The water more,
Than my feet,
As they descend.
It grows used,
To my intrusion,
The Earth.
It’s calloused,
It bleeds no more,
From my presence,
I am part,
Of the earth
Composed of it.
Though the trees watch,
Untrusting,
They let me pass,
Into their heart.
Maybe they
Will love me now,
Tell me their secrets,
Share their knowledge,
Teach me to speak,
Make me,
One

What a
Painful polaroid
I refect
On the happier times
And how
Life took
A dark turn
For us
Our white
Smiles gleam
From the paper
And I remember you
And wish that I
Could have remembered
You
Alive

Again you ask me
But the cellos
Trill loudly so
I can pretend
Not to hear
The same old question
That passes your lips
A dismal cliché
I am forced upon
So much that I
Am used to
The silly idea
You suggest
But now I listen
Only to the cellos
And let their voices
Rest on me
I only half feel
You grab my hand
To tell me you’ll
Ask me again
Tomorrow like
You did yesterday

A dove in a cage

Suspended in a cage

Soaked in the

Despairing chimes

Of the time-teller

The years have kept her

Disheveled and starved

Entrapment wears the heaviest

Unable to stir her wings

Hopelessness fatigues her

Boring holes in her beating heart

Powerless and weightless

She's naked in the hole

White feathers long gone.

I feel
Phantom kisses
On my lips and
Everywhere else

I love the darkness,
I hate the cold.
There's nothing left,
For me to hold.
All your love,
You took it back.
And now I face,
The artic blasts,
Of loneliness.
Without the hope of basking,
In your smile.
I guess she'll have you...
For a while.

You said it was
All that you could
Give me
Your eyes begging
For understanding
Your lips parting for
What you could give
But won’t
I don’t dare
To push for it
“We” were impossible
Possibly
I lower my eyes
Nod my head
Grab your finger
To tell you
I will take it
It’s better than
The nothing she prefers
Then you leave me
******
But I now have
Your heart

"She is the one

That's in the wrong."

The mirror told

You so after it

Kissed your ***

I don't know why,
I keep them here.
The towels I used,
To clean up your blood.
They nest inside,
A memory box,
That's filled with,
More pleasant things.
But those gory blotches,
On those once-white towels,
Are a piece of you,
So I hold them.
Every once in a while,
I cry on them,
Like I cried on your shoulder,
As you told me to,
"Rise above."
I'll always wonder,
Why didn't you?

When the waves break

They roar like me

They rush forward in

A violent push

Then slink in

Retreat to sneak

Upon you

Surround you and

Consume your feet as

You watch in horror

Realizing you

Are wet

I dipped my
feet in
Red paint and
Walked into
Your bedroom
To show you
How I feel

Tip toe in
Stilletoes I
Make my way
To De Bananenbar to
Buy where I
Was sold

~

I thought I should explain this poem a little bit. De Bananenbar is a nightclub in the red light district in Amsterdam, hence "to buy where I was sold" is talking about prostitution, which I think should be legal everywhere. If someone wants to sell their body to someone they should be able to. If you don't like it I don't care.

She loves boats,
Because
She can get to
The middle of something
Not just
The outside.
She loves the sea
Because
She can’t tell tears
From the spray
That alights her face
Like sad reflections.
She loves solitude
Because
Her hair can mask her face and
She can breathe her words
Through her hands
Without looks.
She loves water
Because
It’s the only thing that
Holds her
The only thing that
Fills her hunger,
For wholeness.
She holds her breath
Because
She loves to breathe
Loves to appreciate
Life.
She taunts death
Because
She’s not scared
To prepare
For her re-fall.

My pain drips down these walls,
An acid that you forced on me.
“Could you drown in it?” I wonder…
"Ok" is something I’ll never be.

A remnant of
Coffee breath comes
From the
Anxious man
Behind me
Yelling at
The teller to
Hurry the **** up
He's paying good
Money for this
Crumpled train ticket that
Is taking him away
From his wife and kids
To be with me
In secret.

How long has it been?
Let me count the days...
Have you thought of me since then?
My mind, on you, does stray.
I would like to go,
Back to all the days,
You thought of me as yours.
All those times I do adore!
All those times before,
That stupid, filthy *****.

So buried I
Wish to drown
Just get it over with
I think about
Ripping my face apart
With the bathroom scissors
Because I hate
Looking like you

I looked for you
In rainy streets
That met my tears
A mixed concotion
That broke me.
I sat on the curb
Not minding the wet
Hoping it would
Cleanse me of you
I Looked at my hands
That once held yours with
Our very fingers together
Like the rest of us.
I knew not
He watched me
Now
Your friend and
I are
Glad you left.

All the things I thought we'd be,
All the things  I thought we'd see,
I would hold so close to me!
Were it not for sharpest shards,
Of my shattered dream.
If only you had seen,
All that I had seen,
Would that have brought you back to me?
I saw us happy, smiling,
We weren't crying,
We weren't fighting,
We weren't lying.
I guess that's when it happened,
When it fell apart,
When you heard your heart,
Telling you to leave.
You walked swiftly out the door,
Nothing ever hurt me more.
I cut my hands picking up the shards,
Of my shattered dream.

The Broken girl,
In her "Madness,"
"Forgot" her dress was sheer.
With her disconnected smile,
And her empty, empty, eyes,
She went out on the town,
To feed upon the gasps,
Of all the passerby.
She's a beauty,
Awesome body.
Angel's face,
Without the light.
Women, men alike.
They look on her and feast.
Until they see her scars,
Almost dangling,
From her thighs.
The slashes and the gashes,
All made from broken glasses,
In the tub of her apartment,
In the wealthy part of town.
The girl, she loves those slashes,
All those ugly gashes.
They are to her like lovers,
That with pain, lessen pain.
The people look away.
They all just close their hearts,
And look no more upon,
The girl of Silent Screams.

I love the smile upon your face.
When everything is out of place,
You are in yours.
Kissing my lips,
With fevered haste,
With that sweet smile,
Upon your face.

"There’s no such thing,
As love!”
I scream
To myself.
I hope to
Eat my words
Someday.

It was my half-life,
Mine to spend,
How I liked.
I squandered it,
In death.

I imagine today
Your eyebrows will raise
When I say
Hello

I'm on the
Corner waiting
For the black
Sedan to pick me
Up I've got this
Piece of paper telling
Me this stranger's name
I shiver because it's cold
There's a little girl
At the stop light who
Is in a car with her mom
She smiles at me
An inoccent kindness
As she draws on the foggy glass
With mitten fingers
She won't know why
I stand here for
About ten years or so
So I smile back while
Her mother growls
And drives away

Conquered, achieved.
Never, will not, believe,
Forever, always, decieved.
Waiting to be freed,
When I am.

She's always winning,
Always ahead.
Always the figure,
Draped on your bed.
She is the one,
By hand that you lead,
Into tender passions,
That I look on with dread.
She is the one,
That kisses your lips,
And deep inside,
I'm cut to the quick.
And everytime you look at me,
Your eyes give silent mockery.
And everytime she looks at me,
She laughs and says, "I won."

I escape here

This place where

People tell

Lies

Though

Peek-a-boo

Fingers

Play word

Games to

Twist.

With no truth

To scald pride

I hold close

Their lies

Of love.

You are just

The leftover

Electricity on

My tub from

Suicide

Attempts past

And I cannot

Feel those

Waves

Now too

Tremorless

I died before
You killed me
Under Orion

I wish I could

Hold you and

Not think of

Sand of

Sifting and

Slipping

Down and away.

I want this

Hold tangible

So I can

Squeeze and

Feel pain through

Your substance

Unyeilding

Flick of the wrist
Let your life
Sneak from your
Veins
Streaming into
Night
Dreams are dying
Everyone's lying
About the end
When eyelids flutter
And
Lungs collapse
With a gentle swoosh
All you have
Are starry skies
In the tranquility of red
In the bareness of white

I realized what

A lie it was

That dream that was

Almost as pretty

As your eyes

It forcibly turned my head

Lead my gaze

To a promise I knew

Would never be filled

To a new void

I knew would be dug.

Don't throw me into
The whirlwind of
Your love
I am just as wild
And untamed
But only half
As destructive

Your dreams were crushed,
You crushed mine too.
You heart was hurt,
And mine hurt too.
You were abused,
So was I,
You were left alone,
I only wish I was.
Your mind was severed, broken,
So you took mine.
Your body's ripped,
You made us match.
You were cheated,
So was I,
I was cheated out of life,
And for all it could have been,
I cry alone at night.
As you are broken, I am,
As you are bitter, I am,
As you are angry, I am,
As you are hardened, I am,
As you are alone, I am,
But as you are hated, I am not.

If hope is rain,
The land is dry.
If it's bird, it cannot fly.
If it's a heart,
It's shot clean through.
I wish I could live life anew.
Can't see without its light.
Can't breathe with out its breath.
Can you walk with half a spine?
Talk with half a jaw?
Could you ever live in life?
Could you ever die in death?

Passed out on
The couch.
Alcohol dripping from
Your mouth.
Didn't have time to
Swallow it.

"There's a demon at my window!"
I, when six, did say.
"There's a monster by my bed!"
I'd scream and cry away.
"I need a lighs to scare,
The goblins from my hair!
I want my teddy bear,
Right up by my face,
So they won't want to come,
And dance around this place!
I'll plug my ears so I won't hear,
Them laughing, chanting, in my ear!"
My mother, quite contained,
Knew what would give me peace,
But none of what I asked she gave.
She handed me a tiny cross,
And told me to be brave.
"When tiny minds can have no rest,
From all the goblins that give stress,
I ask the Lord, my little one, to bless."
And when she left me I did find,
No more I heard their devilish whine.
They no more climbed my walls,
Or chased each other through the halls.
They must have gone and sang their song,
By some other child's bed.

Your soul is restless,
I can tell.
You're going to leave,
It's just as well.
Please don't say,"You know I care."
My reply will be,
A blank, cold stare.
You've left me here,
With many tears,
My head's submerged,
With all my fears,
They're drowning all my memories,
They start to fade, I fear.
Your laugh will fade,
Your voice will fade,
Your touch will fade,
Your face will fade,
But not your eyes...They will remain.

Your skin
Is the freezing
Water on my feet
The reason for my
Pain my          
Distance
The only reason
I bleed and
Scream to the trees