Passed out on
The couch.
Alcohol dripping from
Your mouth.
Didn't have time to
Swallow it.

You will chew your
Tether like
A dog and run
Away and
Be free from
The good old days
To make your own
And miss the others

Disected like a
Feral pig
Fought over like
Everything else
Living on a jagged crack
That might split further
And swallow you
Torn
Into bleeding pieces
That die and blow away
In a violent wind
Of contradictions
And hypocrisy
Ending so suddenly
To never be
Picked up
Started over.
You start over
Half of what
You used to be
To live
Like you are whole
Like you are
Happy to
Be tethered to
A broken home

I half ripped off,
Your ear, poor dear!
Oh, I forgot,
I’m angry!!

You said it was
All that you could
Give me
Your eyes begging
For understanding
Your lips parting for
What you could give
But won’t
I don’t dare
To push for it
“We” were impossible
Possibly
I lower my eyes
Nod my head
Grab your finger
To tell you
I will take it
It’s better than
The nothing she prefers
Then you leave me
******
But I now have
Your heart

Taut
Your face
Held in
A frown
That darkens
Rooms
Thoughts
Without it
You’d be
Beautiful

I dipped my
feet in
Red paint and
Walked into
Your bedroom
To show you
How I feel

You are from that
Perfect world that
Threw me away and
Labeled me as "*****"
And I am
And I want
You to be

I died before
You killed me
Under Orion

She loves boats,
Because
She can get to
The middle of something
Not just
The outside.
She loves the sea
Because
She can’t tell tears
From the spray
That alights her face
Like sad reflections.
She loves solitude
Because
Her hair can mask her face and
She can breathe her words
Through her hands
Without looks.
She loves water
Because
It’s the only thing that
Holds her
The only thing that
Fills her hunger,
For wholeness.
She holds her breath
Because
She loves to breathe
Loves to appreciate
Life.
She taunts death
Because
She’s not scared
To prepare
For her re-fall.

"There’s no such thing,
As love!”
I scream
To myself.
I hope to
Eat my words
Someday.

It was my half-life,
Mine to spend,
How I liked.
I squandered it,
In death.

Didn't think you would,
Break my fall,
Just to break me.
Your words slither,
Across my throat,
They choke me with,
Their thouand truths.
They haunt me with,
Their skeletal smiles.
I tell myself,
I couldn't have known.
Couldn't have seen you,
For what you were.
I know that I,
Can't blame myself,
Can't hate myself,
But I do.

I don't know why,
I keep them here.
The towels I used,
To clean up your blood.
They nest inside,
A memory box,
That's filled with,
More pleasant things.
But those gory blotches,
On those once-white towels,
Are a piece of you,
So I hold them.
Every once in a while,
I cry on them,
Like I cried on your shoulder,
As you told me to,
"Rise above."
I'll always wonder,
Why didn't you?

Life’s hurtle is but short,
When you make me believe I leap,
This world seems like a child’s thing,
So easy to control.
My nightmares are so hazy when,
Your chemicals unbalance me.
I laugh at all my demons,
Like there is no danger.
All my worries fade,
Like the faces of my friends.
My mistakes can’t make a mark,
All will be erased.
Erased like the pain from my heart,
Erased like my past life.
Don’t make me face today alone,
Blur my vision with your heady fog.
I want to feel invincible.
I don’t want to feel my fall.

With my paintbrush I,
Erased myself.
With the water I,
Submerged myself.
You took my heart,
Then killed yourself.

Didn't expect it,
Did you?
That the man,
That's yours,
Was hunting me,
Was hurting me.
Didn't expect me to,
Scream at your ignorance,
Pound my fists,
On your disbelief,
Cry for what,
Could have been,
Cry for what,
Could have,
Not been.
Didn't expect it,
Did you?
That you'd have to,
Protect me,
From him.
That you'd have to,
Protect me,
From you.

(This poem is dedicated to all victims of abuse)

You said my eyes,
Splintered light,
Killed it.
You never said you would,
Contribute to the blackness,
That nests inside my heart,
Like a deadly pneumonia,
It grows well in my fear.
Your condemnation,
Makes me smile like the dead.
As I believe I truly am,
Nothing.
At least,
Nothing,
Without you,
My savior that grows the blackness,
And who kills me with every stroke.

My pain drips down these walls,
An acid that you forced on me.
“Could you drown in it?” I wonder…
"Ok" is something I’ll never be.

The pebbles whisper,
Foretelling my coming.
Bubbles ripple,
The water more,
Than my feet,
As they descend.
It grows used,
To my intrusion,
The Earth.
It’s calloused,
It bleeds no more,
From my presence,
I am part,
Of the earth
Composed of it.
Though the trees watch,
Untrusting,
They let me pass,
Into their heart.
Maybe they
Will love me now,
Tell me their secrets,
Share their knowledge,
Teach me to speak,
Make me,
One

You play my emotions
With nimble fingers,
The hands of an expert,
Unapologetic.
The music of my suffering,
Dazzling.
"Love?" you laugh,
I'm not supposed to.
You're not supposed to,
Use my emptiness,
As part of your show.
But,"It makes a pretty sound,
you know?"
Yes, I do.
You streched a skin,
Across my eyes,
And made a drum.
My hollows ring.
You make them ring.
A lovely sound,
A painful sound,
That's just an echo,
In my empty head.
"Like I care."
You said.
To you, my heart,
Is dead.

The Broken girl,
In her "Madness,"
"Forgot" her dress was sheer.
With her disconnected smile,
And her empty, empty, eyes,
She went out on the town,
To feed upon the gasps,
Of all the passerby.
She's a beauty,
Awesome body.
Angel's face,
Without the light.
Women, men alike.
They look on her and feast.
Until they see her scars,
Almost dangling,
From her thighs.
The slashes and the gashes,
All made from broken glasses,
In the tub of her apartment,
In the wealthy part of town.
The girl, she loves those slashes,
All those ugly gashes.
They are to her like lovers,
That with pain, lessen pain.
The people look away.
They all just close their hearts,
And look no more upon,
The girl of Silent Screams.

If hope is rain,
The land is dry.
If it's bird, it cannot fly.
If it's a heart,
It's shot clean through.
I wish I could live life anew.
Can't see without its light.
Can't breathe with out its breath.
Can you walk with half a spine?
Talk with half a jaw?
Could you ever live in life?
Could you ever die in death?

From lack of feeling, sick.
Quickening,
Sickening,
Death.
My high
won't dry
My tears
they lie
Beneath my lungs
The drugs
They paralyze
They tantalize,
My victims.
"This will be your better love."
I laugh
Bitterness veiled
from sight
My plight...
"Huh? What? Right."
Here's a freebie, just for you.
The cops patrol
Lie low.
I'll see you soon,
******

Crystal cups contain lost calls,
Scores on walls from grisly brawls.
Antique, dusty china dolls.
Cows are mooing as they fall.
Mystic, glittering gypsy *****.
On these floors, her babies crawled.
Ceaseless clamor in the halls.
Oh the stories in these walls!

She's always winning,
Always ahead.
Always the figure,
Draped on your bed.
She is the one,
By hand that you lead,
Into tender passions,
That I look on with dread.
She is the one,
That kisses your lips,
And deep inside,
I'm cut to the quick.
And everytime you look at me,
Your eyes give silent mockery.
And everytime she looks at me,
She laughs and says, "I won."

How long has it been?
Let me count the days...
Have you thought of me since then?
My mind, on you, does stray.
I would like to go,
Back to all the days,
You thought of me as yours.
All those times I do adore!
All those times before,
That stupid, filthy *****.

Conquered, achieved.
Never, will not, believe,
Forever, always, decieved.
Waiting to be freed,
When I am.

I love the darkness,
I hate the cold.
There's nothing left,
For me to hold.
All your love,
You took it back.
And now I face,
The artic blasts,
Of loneliness.
Without the hope of basking,
In your smile.
I guess she'll have you...
For a while.

Your back has little nitches,
With walking fingers I count the inches.
If I could I'd trace you,
With more than just my hands.
Your eyes have milky silver bands,
Do they lead to other lands?
Or do they lead to you?
Will you stay so long with me,
That you're not thought as new?
I can only hope you do.

"There's a demon at my window!"
I, when six, did say.
"There's a monster by my bed!"
I'd scream and cry away.
"I need a lighs to scare,
The goblins from my hair!
I want my teddy bear,
Right up by my face,
So they won't want to come,
And dance around this place!
I'll plug my ears so I won't hear,
Them laughing, chanting, in my ear!"
My mother, quite contained,
Knew what would give me peace,
But none of what I asked she gave.
She handed me a tiny cross,
And told me to be brave.
"When tiny minds can have no rest,
From all the goblins that give stress,
I ask the Lord, my little one, to bless."
And when she left me I did find,
No more I heard their devilish whine.
They no more climbed my walls,
Or chased each other through the halls.
They must have gone and sang their song,
By some other child's bed.

My heart is the can,
That people stop to kick,
It also is the killer,
With a mind so sick.
My heart is the dog,
That people slap and beat,
It also is the flower,
Shriveled in the heat.
My heart is the thing,
No one wants around,
The nasty little cockroach,
Crushed upon the ground.
If you had seen me fling,
This thing, still beating,
At your feet,
You would have let it lie,
To ***** in the street.

Cracked lips,
Parched tongue,
Love long lost.
Face it,
No oasis,
In my desert heart.

You haunt me,
Torture me,
Warm me, sometimes,
You keep me sane,
Or maybe not...
You bring things up,
That make me wince,
And all the pleasent things,
You make unclear.
You might be my friend today,
You might betray me tomorrow.
And as we walk,
Hand in hand,
My head is bent,
In deepest sorrow.

If I could I surely would,
Shake your filth from my shoulders,
Like a bad dream I would forget you,
Stomp you out, prevent the spread,
Of evil thoughts to ruin me,
But you have left me weak.
I cannot fight you,
I cannot protest,
I cannot shut out your words,
Or ***** out my disgust,
I am choked with the dust,
Of the rest of the Forgotten,
And I have ceased to live.

Death is the breath,
Before the plunge,
Into icy water,
That swiftly runs.
Death is a rose,
Iron stemmed and thorned,
It ****** a finger,
And does not mourn.
Why do we this burden bear?
This sickly thing,
That picks our brains,
And pulls our hair?
"We have no choice,"
Say us all,
"We all must walk the dreaded hall, 
Death's cackle all will hear,
Low and slow, in their ear.
All will feel when time is near,
The heart, icy chilled, with fear.
All will bate their precious breath,
When death, so snugly, starts to set,
And nevermore, to life, returneth."

All the things I thought we'd be,
All the things  I thought we'd see,
I would hold so close to me!
Were it not for sharpest shards,
Of my shattered dream.
If only you had seen,
All that I had seen,
Would that have brought you back to me?
I saw us happy, smiling,
We weren't crying,
We weren't fighting,
We weren't lying.
I guess that's when it happened,
When it fell apart,
When you heard your heart,
Telling you to leave.
You walked swiftly out the door,
Nothing ever hurt me more.
I cut my hands picking up the shards,
Of my shattered dream.

Your soul is restless,
I can tell.
You're going to leave,
It's just as well.
Please don't say,"You know I care."
My reply will be,
A blank, cold stare.
You've left me here,
With many tears,
My head's submerged,
With all my fears,
They're drowning all my memories,
They start to fade, I fear.
Your laugh will fade,
Your voice will fade,
Your touch will fade,
Your face will fade,
But not your eyes...They will remain.

I love the smile upon your face.
When everything is out of place,
You are in yours.
Kissing my lips,
With fevered haste,
With that sweet smile,
Upon your face.

Your dreams were crushed,
You crushed mine too.
You heart was hurt,
And mine hurt too.
You were abused,
So was I,
You were left alone,
I only wish I was.
Your mind was severed, broken,
So you took mine.
Your body's ripped,
You made us match.
You were cheated,
So was I,
I was cheated out of life,
And for all it could have been,
I cry alone at night.
As you are broken, I am,
As you are bitter, I am,
As you are angry, I am,
As you are hardened, I am,
As you are alone, I am,
But as you are hated, I am not.

My heart had many empty places,
So I filled my mind with faces,
And I mixed my life with people.
So few and far between,
Are now the empty places,
They are filled with the happy faces,
Of everyone I've let in.