ring ring ring  
The phone continues to yell at me for being lazy.
ring ring*
The automated message plays.

    "Hey.. uh, I was just. well it's probably stupid of me to be calling right now. ugh, I shouldn't have. well I just wanted to see how you were. This will be the last time we talk. even though I'm just talking to myself sort of. I just wanted to say..."

Fear and hope and desperation consumes me as I press the talk button. ****, I miss you with every piece of me. and I listen as you continue.

    "I just was wondering if I could come get my favorite sweater. It's still hanging on the coat rack. You can leave it on the porch swing and I'll stop by this afternoon."

Tears start to stream down my cheeks as I start to tremble and attempt to catch my fleeting breath.

    "Hello?"

You're still on the telephone. Why do I still have hope? This tiny little glimmer, in a tremendous melancholic cloud of fog, barely visible even close up.
I hear you breathing, reminded of the forever that was supposed to be spent by your side.

    "Are you there?"

Managing to stifle my sobs I begin to say what I've really been wanting to.
         But instead you hang up as I go to let the words stumble out of my mouth ever-so-carefully.
                   And as that faint glimmer grows more dim, I am reminded of the forever that never was.

You broke my heart before you even had the chance to hold it
This is why I'm always so scared
because you broke my heart when I finally got the courage
To tell you that I cared

It occurs to me at weird moments,
good moments, in-the-middle moments
Pops up rarely, sometimes, all the time
A feeling of insufficiency, insecurity, inability
It tears at me, knowing that we may be settling
and it's quite unsettling to identify this

Unable to capture you as she did, you don't
     Love me as deeply as you loved her
You aren't going to ever  
     Be crazy about me as you were for her

But I don't want to say this because,
you'll look at me strange, because,
you won't understand, because,
you can't comprehend how I could
possibly think something as silly as
measuring and comparing your love

and yet I find myself feeling like this, I can't say
     Love me as deeply as you loved her
I can't force you to
     Be crazy about me as you were for her

It occurs to me at weird moments,
but I don't want to say this because,
it tears at me, knowing that we may be settling
you're settling for me and I'm settling for the want
of something that inevitably won't happen,
and it's quite unsettling to identify this

and yet I find myself chanting, trying to will you to
      Love me as deeply as you loved her
but I know you can't force yourself to
      Be crazy about me as you were for her

It's not a moment of weakness when it comes from the heart or the subconscious dreaming brain-- when it's the truth that's being expressed, written and read and thought about over and over and over again.

It's not moments of weakness when your palms get sweaty thinking about or being around someone-- when your heart races, when your breathing's erratic, and when logic isn't prevalent but the want to make that person happy with you is.

It's not easy admitting these feelings when someone else's may get hurt-- when you feel like you'll just be getting in the way of things, messing up what's fine and going good.

It's not weak when you're in love with someone.

It's weak when we're unable to face what is happening-- due to fear, sparing each other, or otherwise.

It's weak to lie, to steal, to cheat-- physically, mentally, and emotionally.


It's weak not being able to talk about things, unable to communicate and express the situation, unable to admit when you're going to hang out with her-- avoidance doesn't make it less true.

It's weak to keep clinging onto something that obviously was never meant to last from the start-- we expected it to end that summer, we expected it to be just a classically fun seasonal summer fling, and we were too hesitant to love each other.

It's weak to hold you back like a caged bird even when you don't think I am-- even if you are happy with me, even if you do love me as you say you do, it's not the same as what you two had and still have.

It's weakening to hold things back-- to yourself, to me, to our relationship.

So let me give strength to your moment of 'weakness'-- because I'm letting you go, follow your heart.

Because it's never weak when you're in love with someone.