Resilience.
I wish
I had
that
thing.

[PREMISE: SOCIETY KILLED THE TEENAGER]

>>WHAT WOULD THE TEENAGER DO?
OPTION A: SUCCUMB THEMSELVES TO DEATH AS THE SOCIETY’S PREY
OPTION B: DO NOTHING
OPTION C: SUBVERT AND RETALIATE TO **** THE SOCIETY BACK

They told me that
I would lead a bright
future ahead of me;
that I would soon
be a valiant knight in
shining armour.
I said thanks but
I lied.
Truth is, I
don’t want to let
them know that
I’m not even sure
I would even survive
until the
age of
eighteen.

Car crash and
interstellar collision,
please face
me.
This place is a
deceitful space
of discordances.
If only I used my
short life
to propagate
revivals to
everyone,
what world would
wait ahead of me
when I’m
awake from the
death?

One day I
came home with
wounds from
fighting.
He asked me
how often did I
treat my
wounds.
I said it was nothing
for I am used
to it.
He then objected.
“No. I mean the wounds
in your
heart.”

As much as my
inner voice
reverbed,
telling me to
love him.
I couldn’t
because I’m
not the kind of
person that anyone
would love
and I should
just not love
anyone as well
for I
would just
end up feeling
disheartened.

They caught me.
I was entombed.
I incarcerated myself
inside the
disputes I created
inside my own
head.
They caught me
because I am
not a
slave of
their
societal norms.

I spent days
wondering why and
how could I
still be alive
despite all the
numerous amounts
they attempted
to excruciate
me.

—————
——SYSTEM HAS BEEN DISRUPTED—
——SYSTEM EXPERIENCES MALFUNCTION
——
__
2083208 4988 32973
39743
39493

I am.

d e t h r o n e d.

Wish I was your anything, Highdiver. I am not, right? I can’t go on anymore.

I do love you or maybe I did. Or never did at all.

Wish I could revive at least one soul in my short life.

But I couldn’t. I’m sorry Highdiver.

Almost all of my heroes are dead.

If I die, would you regard me as your hero?

Yours truly, the one who revolts in disruption as your Alice.

—

I’ve come to realize that nothing has ever been inherent. Not because I’m trying to manifest an absurdist or nihilist stance, but because the truth just is.

We create
new histories everyday,
but we also
create
new atrocities everyday.
At least
that’s what you
indirectly told me when
I was stuck in between
the convergence of
the black hole sun.

To be frank,
once in a while I
would expect you
to wonder who actually
I am
and I would also
wait for
you to ask
me things
in order to get
to know me better.
But
you
never
did.
Let alone to remember that we once met years ago.
I guess I expected too much.

(([Lowkey] I honestly want you to wonder, “who’s this mysterious girl-next-door who recently had just moved in?” at least once.))

((Maybe one day you will. Maybe one day you will wonder about me and approach me and ask me stuff. At the time when it’s too late and I don’t care about you anymore.))

The convoluted
conundrum that
I must solve here
is about how
some people want
peace and justice
so bad but they
do the opposite of
what they’re supposed
to do in order
to reach those
two things.
I guess it made me
conclude,
maybe peace
has never really
existed after all.
Peace is probably
just a delusional
misconception
construed by
idealists who
still have glimpses
of hope.
And I am not
one of those
idealists.

I am
that one kid
who has always
wanted to
run away to
somewhere unreachable
by everyone
I know
or to dissolve
all the remaining
memories I
have.

(I’m lying if I say I don’t want you to love me. I’m lying if I say I’m alright this way. I’m lying if I say I’m fine with not running away. I’m lying if I say I don’t want to resurrect into a whole new person and create a whole new world with a whole new surrounding.)

The only time
I thought you
cared was
years ago
when we were still
strangers
(I think we still are)
and we sat
by the creek that time;
you told me
the only thing that
mattered;
the only thing
that I would forever remember;
deep in my
earnest
mind.

“All those hegemonies and authoritative institutions, I think you don’t need them. They’d hurt you even more. You don’t need to go to that communal institution called school, nor to conform to the heinous dogmas of the uncultured swines around you — they’d keep making you feel like a misfit who doesn’t matter. And I don’t want you to feel that way. When those elderly people told you that you’ll be going nowhere if you don’t listen to them; don’t listen to them for they’re off playing God. I want you to
listen to
nothing and
no one
but your
stances.
I’ll look after
you someday
and make sure
you don’t get
hurt
even if
preventing you
from getting hurt
involves
death to
both of us.”

For the love of God,
we were s t r a n g e r s
when you said that to me.

Now you still don’t get it why do I still love you that profoundly
—and why deep down I wish you loved me?

/////SPEED OF LIGHT
HAS RECEIVED
EPIPHANIES FROM
THE DISLOCATED
ARK.

MULTIPLE LAUNCHING ROCKET SYSTEM IS DESCENDING IN 3.
2.
1.

And so I hail
from the borderlands.
I am a
disenchanted
Malice in Borderlands
with wounds
from daggers of
w o r d s.

And I have
imagined a
darkness in the
hands of the
disciple of the
n i g h t.

I think we
are all born
as heroes but
only very few
of us aspire to
be heroes.

Striving through
blunt indignations,
it's a
c u r s e.

Through the children's eyes,
heroes turn human
in front of them
when they
grow
up.

The winds
from today are
not as erratic
as they usually are
most of the
days.

I shouted at
the famine crows
deep in the
darkest scope.
WE STRIKE HARD.
R E A L HARD.//

One day,
a group of
conservative adults
asked me
who my heroes are,
I answered a
lot of people ranging from
Voltaire to Che Guevara
to Dave Grohl;
but deep inside
my real hero is
only my
bright past self
before all of these
happened.

I think we
are all ****** up
in our own ways.
We're all reprobate
creatures of misadventures
that live through
weaknesses.
WE STRIKE HARD,
AGAIN,
STRIKE HARD.

[Do I fight for geniality?]
No. I don't. I never cross through the paradigms of those who appear indignant.

I seem to
have mastered
the art of
deception.
That's why I deeply
treasure people
who told me that
I'm not good at lying
whenever I told them
things are
safe and
steady.

A few things I learned:
1 If I keep being who I am and I don't change into someone else, I'll always be stranded forlornly with malicious wolves wherever I go.
2. I was a real Alice in Wonderland when I was younger but I took things too personally and let them aggravate me so I became Malice in Borderlands.
3. With this personality, I'll never understand what people want. I'm just incapable of it.
That's why I
S T R I K E
******* I N G
H A R D.

i.
I drove
myself home today,
Counting polemics
that I received;
that made me
feel so
attacked.

Swollen eyes,
Bruised legs,
And the urge
to dissipate
into a thin air
were just there
along with
my dead
soul.

The harsh words of
those people who
are not my
comrades are just
like an atrocious
zeitgeist of the
Fascists' dictatorship.
Those are
my biggest
weakness.

ii.
I pretend
that I am not
dying everyday
whilst in fact
every fragments of me
keeps on
losing consciousness and
even if I
regenerate,
a part of me
would always be
back on
dying.

What I'm looking for
is not a coherent
vindication nor a
stance that defends me,
I'm looking for
ways to possess self-mastery,
to be an Overman like
what Nietzsche had depicted or
to possess self-actualization
which is the
highest peak of
Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

So I began to
Construct
days of
decisive
battles.

iii.
[First arc]

I unleashed a
rather subversive
catharsis;
I punched the
mirrors until they're broken and
broke the windows with
a baseball bat
and fought everyone
barehanded
until the last moment
I shot my
two arch enemies
on the head
with my
revolver.

When I
was trying to bid
farewell,
the people
who witnessed me
unexpectedly said
that it was cool
and my dauntlessness
was cool
for doing that.

I thought
they would
hate me even more
but instead,
some of them
who are previously my
enemies ended up
wanting to be
allies with
me.
[BATTLE HAS BEEN WON]
[Achievement unlocked. +100 ability points earned.]

iii.
[Second arc]

I decided
to convey
awareness towards
the issue that
I am suffering from
through a form of
writings and speeches,
and turns out that
the society
ended up cherishing
my contributions.

They asked me a
myriad of questions
About how did I manage
to do all the things
that I have done and
how long did I take
to reach this
achievement.
I just stayed silent
for I couldn't put it
into words
how incredibly long
my endeavour was
to earn their
respect.

But I guess
it brought me
closer to
a revelation.
[BATTLE HAS BEEN WON.]
[Achievement unlocked. Magic points increased by 150+.]

iv.
[Third arc]
I have
always thought of
myself as a
modern day Cobain
due to my
lethargic self and
vulnerability and
how I depended on
cigarettes and dopes as
my redemption.

And my biggest weakness
is
my
own
thoughts.
The
world
inside
my
head.
[ACHIEVEMENT FAILED TO UNLOCK; DISRUPTED.]
[DEFEAT.]

v.
I tend
to
cry relentlessly
sometimes whenever
I realize that
all the nice things are
just dreams yet the
holocausts are
realities.

They told me,
how could I even
take care of anyone else
whilst I can't even
get a hold of
myself.

I went home with
one of my
favorite guys the other day
with bruises and a
lethargic physical condition
looking as if
I need to be protected
and I hate the fact that
eventhough I am not
fond of depending
I can't
go through things
completely alone
either.

[MISSION ABORTED—
—BATTLE HAS BEEN POSTPONED.]

vi
[No more arcs left]
I have always loved
the word "regeneration"
for the existence of that
word gives me revelation
that someday I would
get a
chance to encounter
lt too.

When I woke
up from a prolonged
deep sleep that felt
like death,
everyone told
me that they were
mesmerized by my
so-called act of courage and
volition. My lungs still
hurt and I
am still swallowing
blood that tastes like
drips of vermouth.

Honestly I
never wanted the
world as a gift; I
am in love with the
world but it goes
otherwise when it
comes to its contents.

vii
My acts that
they deem as courage
is not my
courage
it's just a form of
cognitive dissonance with
a hint of fallacy.

Oy vey, if only I
were given a freedom of
speech, I would
confront and
ask;
"Dear mother
earth and father
time, can I
live without battles
and just go ahead?"

[11417 329 2110 725
BATTLE HAS ENDED
AS DEMANDED BY PLAYER]

Well, here overcometh the wolves' radiance when any shade of faint light near me decides to come to an end.

Some days I believe I'm the knight in shining armor even if my silver lining won't stay the same way again.

I'm a fighter and for the record that's why my roads are the haywire and winding ones.

Ever since that night under my desecrated name of hindrance I still thought of you somehow.

The days have turned around and I've cried to the point where my stream of tears dry out, but why do you still appear in my dreams?

There far away in one of my deepest dreamscapes I discerned one of my knights protected me from harm and said "Never cave in, I'm your shield. I'm a dark transcendental shield."

But it was of course only a delusional vision coming from my head.

My knights don't exist and I have no one to protect me but I have my lords to protect.

And the inevitable days that are still counting until years ahead, flew away from me starting from the roots of my slither head.

I don't have a herd of wolves but I'm my own slither wolfpack head.

Come and defeat me, I'm not afraid of destruction and anything else in the world.

You don't know me but so don't I about you.

Old ruins reconstruct but if I don't I won't believe the same about you.

Halcyon days were years ago and the way they are now flames, I might not forget.

For we are the ones vanguarding our own world, never lose the world on our hands.

No one owns me but if I ever been owned by one means I have never really lived.

There is no end. There is no starting line.

You don't know me, you don't own me.

Birds in the cage don't sing, they holler for a helping hand.

If I ever found someone living under the role of those caged birds, I'll take their role instead and swallow my own pride.

In the end my only wolfpack are the voices of my slither head.

Don't ever die. The skies will tell you when it's time.