it is so frustrating to think that we can never be friends. my body hurts from stressing a relationship with you that doesn't bloom.

Why do I have to brawl with my brother. He is my best friend. I worry that he is not taking advantage of his youth and being studious. I worry that he waste time on mundane, life ******* games that have no merit, How I wish that he would consider how I feel and go to college to appease me. The fight made me ill , I am nauseous and sad about it. My heart feels broken and mangled and I got nightmares from a character called The Terrifier that I have never seen because I know that it is a disgusting movie. I read in Eat Pray Love, that in order to be happy you have to keep happy even during trying times. "keep even your liver smiling". I am tryin to but thinking about how unfortunate the night was, makes me sick.

Scattered brain brings panic. I have this idea, I have that idea, none of them feel safe. Toxicity creeps it's way in and I have to figure out in outlet that will be safe.

There's something special here. An open heart and open ears, my life and struggles, no worries and no troubles. It is easy to lose sight  and to live through emotions. So easy to lose what's important for things small and pleasurable. I do not want a life of regret I have to many of those already. I know how to carry these struggles. My only God showed me. Still I keep adding mistakes. I have so many. I say my issues do not have consequences even if the strictures say they do. In reality I face them so. Why is it that I find it hard to live holy? I fear that God has let death take me. I have never been happy (that is a lie, i have felt joy.) When I laugh and smile  I fear it is wicked. Have i gone mad? Please Lord God  I beg you on my knees, please forgive me and restore me. Amen

The cliques are fake, the gathering is only insecurities that co dependent people use to make the outsider feel bad and make themselves feel better for no reason at all. Humanity forgets that we are all disposable including the top manager. I am the clique here.  Break up the groups! Don't let them gossip. One will run.

God, you said that you would defend me when I was shamed that you would shame those that try to harm to me. I feel alone and that is not okay. I'm living the part you said you would do without obeying. I have been as obedient as I could, and I get it. I guess this is what is expected, the only thing is that did you not say, "for if I am with you who could be against you?" So then why am I still going through this? Have you turned away? What is in my mind drives me crazy, but what's in my heart draws me closer to God. My friends in my heart lead me to sin. Where are you holy spirit? I go and walk and you're not close enough. I miss you and I need you, come to me and stay close help me with my friends. I don't want to lose you. I love you and you're not close enough. Sin is bigger come to me get enormous, bigger than this sin. Amen

Mara your name actually means bitter in Hebrew. Yourself righteous and I don't know your walls, but I feel your being very judgy. I don't know where you're coming from. It was supposed to be a photo shoot, instead in turned into something else. A share, with it disgrace. I see your photos of that day your beautiful and without disdain, they must have been before the bombshell that made you shift for the fallout that came this way. See you soon my friend.

"Remove vanities and lies, give me neither poverty nor riches feed me with food convenient for me."

I believe in Jesus. My testimony is unreal. I've been gay for a long time. It is a conundrum. God is all forgiving. I know that I'm forgiven.  I believe that Jesus is the son of God. I have a choice, and I make my choices often, I pray for forgiveness it feels pretty convicting. Part of religion is to constantly be in the scriptures, I do not do that. This is a very uncomfortable expression. I ask for forgiveness. Sometimes I wonder have I ever felt sorry because I use the word so sparingly. I want to repent, and I want to live my life with God and overcome this world.

I was born in El Salvador. A C section baby that was told his told whole life that I almost killed my mom at birth, only to find out that it was normal C section procedure so many years later. I don't think anyone will understand what that lie did to me. I don't know how I feel about that. My parents brought me to America when I was two years old. When I immigrated through some, body of water, whoever was carrying me dropped me in it and that's all I remember from that life event.

God, help with my day. Let me focus on work and whatever is important.