it is so frustrating to think that we can never be friends. my body hurts from stressing a relationship with you that doesn't bloom.

Why do I have to brawl with my brother. He is my best friend. I worry that he is not taking advantage of his youth and being studious. I worry that he waste time on mundane, life ******* games that have no merit, How I wish that he would consider how I feel and go to college to appease me. The fight made me ill , I am nauseous and sad about it. My heart feels broken and mangled and I got nightmares from a character called The Terrifier that I have never seen because I know that it is a disgusting movie. I read in Eat Pray Love, that in order to be happy you have to keep happy even during trying times. "keep even your liver smiling". I am tryin to but thinking about how unfortunate the night was, makes me sick.

Scattered brain brings panic. I have this idea, I have that idea, none of them feel safe. Toxicity creeps it's way in and I have to figure out in outlet that will be safe.

There's something special here. An open heart and open ears, my life and struggles, no worries and no troubles. It is easy to lose sight  and to live through emotions. So easy to lose what's important for things small and pleasurable. I do not want a life of regret I have to many of those already. I know how to carry these struggles. My only God showed me. Still I keep adding mistakes. I have so many. I say my issues do not have consequences even if the strictures say they do. In reality I face them so. Why is it that I find it hard to live holy? I fear that God has let death take me. I have never been happy (that is a lie, i have felt joy.) When I laugh and smile  I fear it is wicked. Have i gone mad? Please Lord God  I beg you on my knees, please forgive me and restore me. Amen

The cliques are fake, the gathering is only insecurities that co dependent people use to make the outsider feel bad and make themselves feel better for no reason at all. Humanity forgets that we are all disposable including the top manager. I am the clique here.  Break up the groups! Don't let them gossip. One will run.