i think i've forgotten
what it feels to be loved
to be truly loved
because everywhere i look,
when compared to other beauty
i'm never enough
i will never be as pretty as her,
nor will i be as outgoing as her
my flaws will emerge
and cover up the good
you'll see me at my worst
and that's probably why they leave
because why love a daisy
when there are roses around me

- 1:56am

what is it about you
that makes my heart beat fast
my stomach's butterflies to fly fast
for my knees to fall fast
for my fingers to write words about you so fast
because for the longest time
i've never fallen so fast
and im scared

- a.l.

i keep telling myself that im a writer
but i cant even use words
to express what i feel
i havent felt like this in a long time
and im scared because
one again
my words cannot truly express
what i feel
for you
my words were my walls but now
i cant even speak
because my brain cannot function when
you smile
and when you laugh
get away from me
i cant do anything
i need to be able to write something
but i cant because you're here
please
please
leave me before you break my heart
and before i can no longer write

- a.l.

how do you know when to give up
because i have no clue
no one taught me how to stop loving
no one told me what to do
when he left
when he stomped away
dropping every piece of me

how do you know when its time to stop crying
because i think i've wasted so many tears
over a boy
who "loved" me
but just actually used
because i dont know when to stop

how do you know when to stop trying
trying to think that there is someone
out there for
me
because im tired, too tired
too broken, too used

how do you know when the world finally
gives up on you
because i think it gave up on me

- a.l.

there used to be a time that when people asked me about you
i'd turn into a tomato, blushing when i talk about you
my lips curve into a smile
when your name
leaves my lips

my stomach turns and my heart pounds
people could see my eyes glisten with joy

you made sense to me then

yet now

my stomach feels empty
when your name leaves my lips

eyes filled with tears instead of joy
my heart aching when i talk about how much
i love you
wait
how much i
loved
you

now

after two years
im still hung on you
waiting for the chance to be seen
to be loved
by you

once more

- a.l.

in the palm of my hand
is a pen
that will write my future
into this paper
this paper
has strings that
will ultimately
bring me to my
future
and i am ******* scared
because
i'm 17
and you are asking me
about my future
so early
i don't even
understand how
to solve the minimum
and maximum of a parabola
how do you expect me to choose
what i want to take
when i don't even know
how to balance a checkbook
or how to work in the real world
how do you help me process rejection
how will you help me choose my
plan b
if my plan a fails

- a.l.

it's not that i don't love you
because i do
but it's because
it's been too long
since i've loved
and i don't remember what it feels like
i love you
but i've never
fallen
in love
with you
that's the difference
between
you
and
me
we're going too fast
you call me baby
and im scared
i don't want to break your heart
but i know i'll be breaking mine
if i don't
stop
this
so forgive me
when i say
i can't be yours
because i haven't fallen
in love
with you

- a.l.

i met you when i was in love, with your best friend
i thought you were nice
little did i know you'd be my longest friend

i met you two years later
we were still close
even if we hadn't talked
but this time
i felt something for you

thinking you'd never go for
a girl like me
who's broken
so i hid my heart

i meet you two days ago
and there goes my heart
fluttering again

then you kissed my cheek
then i held your hand
and you squeezed it

and i felt like i was falling
in love
for the first time

- a.l.

take me back
when i was a kid and i cried
over scratches on my knees

take me back
when i was falling
to the ground from
the monkey bars
not from falling in love

take me back
when my first heart break
was realizing kim possible
had ended

take me back
when i hated naps
because i was scared of nightmares

take me back
when everything was perfect

take me back to childhood

because apparently
growing up is ****

- a.l.

today, when he first held my hand
it shot chills in my spine

and whenever he pulled away
i craved for those chills
i craved for his touch

his breath lingered on my neck
even after he'd left

i crave for him
now
until
i have him

- a.l.

Hi towhoeverthefuckisthis!

We're not teaching your girlfriend ****. You want to know why we're doing this? Its because she misses us best friend but since you have your hands wrapped around her neck I have no choice but to ******* fight back. It's 8:30 am and I am ******. You do not want to ******* see me when I'm ******. She wants to have fun with people she knows but apparently can't because if she does you'll go ******* entertain other girls. Do you ******* remember what I told you when you two first got together? It's your ******* privilege to hold her heart. Not a lot of guys can ******* hold her heart. So don't be a ******* *******
Respect? What kind of guy does not let his girlfriend do things she wants to do with people you mutually know. Oh right. You. You're ******* dictating her what she has to do. She's ******* 16 and she has to make her own ******* choices without having someone look above her shoulder. You want to get mad at someone. Get mad at me. Because I cant wait for the day you break her heart once more because it'll give me enough reason to break that face of yours.
Believe me when I say that I am not afraid of you. You may be older and taller. But I am stronger when it's my friends we're talking about. So be scared, for the next time I see you. Your hands won't ever touch her.

- a.l.

this goes out to the man who holds my best friend's heart

to the man who was given the opportunity to hold her heart -- i was scared
she was young and fragile but you proved to me you were good

i believed you, for a while
until i saw changes in her
that made me think otherwise

now she runs to me
saying things about a man
i thought i'd never hear

to the man who
wrapped his fingers
around her fragile neck

i will hurt you in more ways
than one if i hear her tears
fall
down

to the man who even
thinks of entertaining
other women
when she doesn't do
what you want

i will make sure you burn
in the pits of hell

i will douse your fingers
with gasoline
just to loosen their grip
on her

you will feel my fury reach into
the depths of you
that you'll never think of hurting
her

remember when i say this
you are privileged to have held
this heart of hers
so do not ******* break it

- a.l.

when we were together

i always thought
you are the love of my life

after we broke up

its now all
you were the love of my life

it's kind of sad thinking that one word
can change everything

- a.l.

we are the unwanted
always to ourselves
writing in our little notebook
about ****

we are the emo kids
wearing black
listening to
pierce the veil
or
emo songs
as they say

we are the nerds
the ones who get the As
wear glasses
and look like asians
most
of
the
time

we are the lonely ones
keeping to ourselves
earphones on
world off

we are the bullies
throwing our anger
at smaller kids

we are the cheerleaders
always standing
on weight
scales

we are the freaks

- a.l.

i wonder what it feels like
to not have the entire weight of the world of your shoulders
to not have
every
single
piece of you
poked

i wonder how it feels like
to be happy
to actually be happy
not those fake smiles or forced laughter

i wonder how it feels
to not pick up your broken pieces
to not hurt yourself when a shard
of your broken heart pierce through
your
skin

i wonder how to feels like
to be called
beautiful
or
pretty
or amazing

i wonder how it feels
to have
your parents
tell you
I AM PROUD OF YOU

i wonder how it feels like to be
whole
when everyone around you
is
f a l l i n g  a p a r t

i actually wonder what it feels like

- a.l.

This summer tide had tears, just like any evening
Tears streaking her cheeks, the beasts are here to take her
Beaming up to greet them, she took the blade.
Conquered again she’s falling apart, oh who’s to blame
It’s not easy being Mia’s companion, with Ana as her sister.
The beasts are laughing as she befriends the white walls.
The whirling swish of the water becomes the music to her ears.
In too deep, no one can save her.

- a.l.

she found bits of happiness
in scars
when others only found bitterness
she found relief
when others found death

in scars
she was welcomed
unlike outside
where everyone
despised
her

in scars
was a family
who understood
her
pain
and her
suffering

- a.l.

the thoughts of you came back so silently as a snake slithering on the floor
i hadn't realized that you were back until i felt your fingers squeeze me tight enough that the ounces left in me that loved you fell to the floor. believe me i wanted to take hold of your head and hit you to let me go. but you held on tighter and marked your fingertips on my flesh that when you left i could still feel them pressing hard onto my skin. the last memory i had of you were of guilt and pain, of sickness and bitterness that i had forgotten who you were to me. you'd ****** out all the love i had for you and became this person who now tormented me with bitterness and pain. i had no clue to who you were and i wished i did. because then i would have stopped you from breaking my will.


- a.l.